Re: Caring for disabled siblings

Trinity11 · ‎11-16-2014

@LuvSoCal wrote:
@Trinity11 wrote:
@chrystaltree wrote:
Spent most of the yesterday visiting my sister. She's disabled but she does amazingly well. Totally independent. She's in housing for elderly/disabled. It's subsidized. She has a homemaker and PCA that the state pays for. She has transportation for the elderly and mobility challenged. She does not go out much now but we all make sure that one of us visits her every week. I started thinking when she got a phone call from her friend who was very upset and distressed. After the call, she explained that her friend is in her mid 50s and has multiple medical conditions and physical challenges and mild depression. They have known each other for many years. She has spoken about this women often over the years. They met in rehab and stayed close. She lives with her parents who are 90ish. They have always done everything for her but time is running out for them. They won't be around much longer. Whatever money they had is gone. They all live on their combined SSA benefits and some rental income. The parents held a family meeting and basically told this woman's two siblings that upon their passing, they would be responsible for their sister. She had to move in with one of them. They would leave their house to the siblings but the proceeds after the sale should be used just for their sister. The siblings are around 60. Middle class, both still working, adult children, grandkids. Apparently this family had never had this type of conversation. Ever. They were civil, nice but declined to take on the responsibility. A life changing responsibility. The word burden was used. They didn't want to think it through. Both said "no". They suggested that the parents contact a social worker or state agency to get some help or guidance. They suggested that the sister speak with her doctors and her psychiatrist. Siblings are not legally required to care for their disabled or special needs siblings in this state. Same with parents and grandparents. My sister and I wondered why they hadn't had the conversation 30 years ago. They do spend holidays as a family. They've always been on good terms. Surely the parents knew that as they aged, as their savings dwindled; they needed a plan for the daughter who was dependent on them. Ostriches. That's the word my sister used. They put their heads in the sand didn't see what they chose not to see.
I get it. As the sole caretaker of my adoptive brother's care for twenty years, it has taken an enormous toll on my health. Heart attacks, strokes and dealing with beauracrcy to get the best care. He will probably long outlive me.
However, I would not be able to live with myself if I hadn't gotten him a place to live and get the best care. He would be homeless from a long history of alcohol and drug abuse. But that was from parents who were abusive and not his fault

@Trinity11 I can totally relate to your post and situation. My only sibling, a younger sister, has suffered from mental illness since her teens. Prior to that we were close and had many good times together. Her condition was so bad that it caused my parents to divorce. My mother was dedicated to her until she was diagnosed with cancer at 80 (cared for my sister at home) at which point we had to put her in a group home so I could focus on helping my mom until her passing.

That was 2011 and for the next 10 yrs. I tried my best to be there for her. I spent a lot of my time, energy and $ to assist her with her daily/weekly/monthly needs. Even on medication she is extremely manipulative, mean and abusive. My health was being negatively affected and I finally made the decision in 2021 to step away. It makes me so sad because before she got sick she had it all. She was physically beautiful, smart and had a great sense of humor. Now, she's just a shell of her former self.

She has been under conservatorship for years and I don't see that ever changing. It keeps me awake some nights. I would give just about anything for things to be different.

I apologize for making this such a long post. I'm so sorry that your adoptive parents weren't more nurturing and that your brother's life turned out as it did. I sincerely hope your health issues are under control.

Thank you @LuvSoCal . Just wanted to send my best wishes in regard to your sister. I understand about dealing with a sibling with mental illness. Even though my brother is taking a high dosage of haldol, he put a chair through a window in the tv room arguing with another patient. For a few years there he was very volatile and abusive to the nursing home staff. He is 73 now and thankfully less argumentative but he is always on my mind. I miss the brother he once was.

I am recovering from a stroke and carotid endarterectomy. But nothing can compare with the pain and loss of a sibling you continue to care about.

Please take care of yourself. I understand...

Cakers3 · ‎06-17-2015

@RedTop wrote:
@Cakers3
OP's post is not about her sister, or family.

@RedTop. Oops. I just caught my error. I lost track of the post. My post could help @chrystaltree friend maybe. Thank you for the correction.

🥴

"" Compassion is a verb."-Thich Nhat Hanh

RedTop · ‎09-01-2010

I absolutely cannot understand the control measures some people write into their will, and the ugly situations they create for their "loved" ones!

tiny 2 · ‎03-10-2010

@NicksmomESQ wrote:
I have a friend with 2 adult children. She's divorced from their father & is remarried to my husband's friend for about 15 years.Her son has all sorts of physical & mental problems. He's autistic.His father isn't in the picture. He left when the children were little because he didn't want to deal with the son's issues.

This son is now 40 years old & lives with his mom & stepdad,who care for him. It's been a challenge because he can't work & has gotten into trouble over the years, hacking into personal things he shouldn't be getting into into. Attorney fees have been constant, to keep him out of jail. They had to take away his laptop & have theirs under lock & key.

They have developed some serious health problems. They're in their mid 70's. When she mentioned her son recently,I asked her if she made arrangements for his care, if anything should happen to her or her husband. She said she expects her married daughter to care for him. To insure that, she worded her will in a way where she only gets her inheritance ,if she takes her brother in.The daughter knows nothing about this. She has 2 little kids & a job!!

I tried to tell her that was unfair & she needed to make arrangements for her son now. Maybe ease him into a group home while she can help him adjust.She told me that's what her husband wants too, but she refuses to do it.I tried to tell her that she's going to ruin her daughter's life.She refused to hear it.

All I can do is mind my own business.I know that this isn't going to end well.

@NicksmomESQ

I would not be able to continue a friendship with this woman. This is wicked. Hopefully the daughter already realizes that her mother thinks very little of her and maybe she will not be blindsided. A truly treacherous human being !!!!

Mom2Dogs · ‎03-09-2010

@RedTop wrote:
I absolutely cannot understand the control measures some people write into their will, and the ugly situations they create for their "loved" ones!

@RedTop I wonder if the lawyer that wrote up the will discussed how wrong/unfair the terms of the inheritance are?

FiddleDeeDee · ‎03-06-2020

@Mom2Dogs wrote:
@RedTop wrote:
I absolutely cannot understand the control measures some people write into their will, and the ugly situations they create for their "loved" ones!
@RedTop I wonder if the lawyer that wrote up the will discussed how wrong/unfair the terms of the inheritance are?

@Mom2Dogs I will answer that question based on how the wills in my family and a few friends were written. Understand that we are a HUGE family (6-12 siblings per each family so it adds up quickly). As I stated, having a sibling with a severe disability is expected. Also, alcoholism and drug addiction is a risk we all have due to our family tree (many of my family members are). So with that said: siblings are written out of the will all the time in order to cause conflict between them; siblings are promised XYZ in they do ABC and then find out via the will that they will receive nothing; I have had cousins sacrifice their career, their change to marry, their relationship with their spouse and children in order to inherit $$$$ and property. I've seen IT ALL. YES, absolutely YES the lawyers are aware of what will happen BUT....they are being paid to do a service and if they don't do it, some other attorney will. Sometimes the lawyer is in on it because THEY will receive a hefty portion of the estate. Like I said, I've seen it all; I've even been through it myself regarding my own Mother. From beyond the grave, they still control and cause pain....all planned.

*Four Seasons once again*

CalminHeart · ‎03-09-2010

@Desert Lily wrote:
@Sooner I bet you've had or have a village without realizing it.

I was a single mom, but I didn't bring up my child completely alone: teachers influenced & taught academics to my child, pediatricians kept my child healthy, when I needed a babysitter my parents were there, etc.

When my parents died my friends & extended family were there, when I'm ill doctors are there, nurses & hospice caretakers were there for my husband/parents/BFF, various agencies are there to help people.

When I was growing up, I spent a lot time with my grandparents - they were part of my early village.

Baloney. Just because you had a village doesn't mean everyone else does. There are countless people who do it alone. You were lucky and some empathy for others would be nice.

Mom2Dogs · ‎03-09-2010

@FiddleDeeDee I don't understand why people talk with their children about their wills (unless there is a need to do so).

I don't have kids but husband has two. He knows not to discuss our finances or our will with his kids. It is not their concern at this time...some day it might be a must but not now.

The kids mother's husband recently passed and she discussed her new will (money, who was in charge etc.) with the girls - big mistake, it caused a riff with the girls.

FiddleDeeDee · ‎03-06-2020

@Mom2Dogs wrote:
@FiddleDeeDee I don't understand why people talk with their children about their wills (unless there is a need to do so).

I don't have kids but husband has two. He knows not to discuss our finances or our will with his kids. It is not their concern at this time...some day it might be a must but not now.

The kids mother's husband recently passed and she discussed her new will (money, who was in charge etc.) with the girls - big mistake, it caused a riff with the girls.

@Mom2Dogs Depending on the estate, it may be necessary especially when the managaed care of a disabled family member is envolved. Trusts, POA, guardanship, these are things you need to discuss unless you want to surprise them at the reading of the will which, IMHO, is pretty #%^#. If you think there's a riff before the person dies, you can't imagine what it's like to find out that you cared for someone for 30 years ONLY to find you everything goes to the sibling who did NOTHING that entire time.

*Four Seasons once again*

Mom2Dogs · ‎03-09-2010

@FiddleDeeDee Yes, I agree in some families there is a need to know, others - it's on a needs to know basis.

For my husband and me, we do not discuss with his children....our wills are simple and we have all our ducks in a row in case there is a death or if we would die together.