Community Chat

[stazgirl]

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@KingstonsMom wrote:

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@chickenbutt wrote:

Hey again, Stazgirl!  Oh, trust me, I know every word of which you speak. 

Well, except for losing a child as I never had kids, I understand it all in spades.     I'm the one who was suicidal since I was a small child.  I suffered every kind of abuse that comes to mind by the time I hit kindergarten.  I remember once trying to hang myself as a very small child.

My first serious attempt was as a teenager.  Remember those huge bottles of aspirin?  They were Norwich brand (I'll never forget that bottle) and they came in bottles of 250.  I slammed down almost the whole thing.

I'll tell you what - I'm really hard to kill.   That was not my last attempt but I think it was a catalyst and probably also the thing that ended up becoming this heinous tinnitis problem that has become almost unbearable at times.

Anyway, I took them and even wrote a note (only time I did a note).  I thought there was no doubt that I would die.   Imagine my shock and disdain when I woke up.  Oh man - I was vomiting and in pure h-e-double-L.  I remember crying at my mother's (like she would care - stupid me) bedroom door that night.  I felt so awful.  Of course, all she did was scream at me to shut up and go back to bed or I'd be beat if I uttered another peep.  Anyway, got through that miserable night and all I felt was that  - yup, she must be right.  I'm so worthless and stupid that I can't even kill myself right.

Anyway, blah blah blah - more life experiences, more abuses, more despondency and there were more attempts.  After that it was always prescription meds.  I never had a drug problem or any of that stuff that some attribute to suicides.  I had PTSD and severe clinical depression that stemmed from the many years of sexual, verbal, physical, and psychological abuses and humiliations.  Oh, she loved to humiliate me.  

I was to learn that it was her own self-loathing that she manifested onto me.  I cannot speak to why I received the sexual abuses from some of her husbands and others, including a couple of preachers.   What that was about, I cannot say.   But, clearly, it, along with the other abuses, became a fairly large part of who I grew up to be.

After my last attempt I ended up learning two things - 1)  Never tell a friend; and 2) never get caught.  I went through some stuff that found me being taken by the police and my choices were either I go to the PD or I go to the hospital.  I went to the hospital and had to drink all this charcoal stuff and had a wretched time, then I had to spend 3 terrifying days at the psych hospital.  

But the good that came out of that is that I went to a psychiatrist and she counseled me and prescribed meds, then I had to follow that up with psychologist sessions.  I got a lot of great tools from my wonderful psychologist.  She also specialized in PTSD, so that was beyond helpful.

Had that for several years, then a time came when I was no longer able to continue so I've been on my own since.  Haven't done anything but I still struggle and wish for death frequently.  I don't have medical care anymore so the only time I manage to get my hands on meds, for pain and sometimes for my severe sleep problem, is from people who help me.  So, being the ultra-mega-responsible person that I am, I could NEVER use those to 'off' myself.  So, I carry on and have been here for 60 years now.

Sorry this is so long and I probably shouldn't share so much but sometimes I'm compelled to do so.  If ONE person hears me and doesn't feel so alone, that is just awesome.  I mean that to my core.  If my horrible life can help somebody feel like maybe they can make it, or not be so alone, or feel like maybe they have more choices, that's the best.

I'm damaged to the hilt.  But I know I'm not alone in that.  I always felt so alone growing up and never felt safe.  I have to admit I still often feel alone.   Others don't understand, and I understand that so it's ok.   I do make sure I feel safe, though, and most of the time I am not terrified.  The nightmares have finally become less and I'm grateful for that.   I have my husband, my puppy boy, my birdie boy, and the little birdies outside all of whom I love to the ends of the earth.  I guess that's a lot and it needs to be.

(Yikes, again - sorry so long!)  

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@chickenbutt

We must be sisters, because I had the same mother (if you want to call her that) that you had.

Now I don't feel so alone.

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IMHO, (sorry if I am over the line) THAT IS NOT A MOTHER!!! THAT IS A WICKED WICKED PIECE OF SH--!!! (and I do not ever cuse, so you know I feel strong about it.)

[KingstonsMom]

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@catwhisperer wrote:

@chickenbutt...OMG, no child should have to endure that kind of abuse!!! Without going into details, my mother was very abusive and would beat me just because she felt like it. I was verbally, physically, and psychlogically abused. She should have been arrested and thrown in jail, but back in those days, everyone kept it to themselves, even the neighbors. They all knew what was going on, but did nothing. You are one brave, strong lady!!!

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@catwhisperer

I share your pain too, Cat. You're also a brave, strong lady.......you survived in spite of her. 

[chickenbutt]

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IG wrote:

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Catwhisperer wrote:

@chickenbutt...OMG, no child should have to endure that kind of abuse!!! Without going into details, my mother was very abusive and would beat me just because she felt like it. I was verbally, physically, and psychlogically abused. She should have been arrested and thrown in jail, but back in those days, everyone kept it to themselves, even the neighbors. They all knew what was going on, but did nothing. You are one brave, strong lady!!!

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@Catwhisperer

I share your pain too, Cat. You're also a brave, strong lady.......you survived in spite of her. 

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Wow, I guess we're all in that club that nobody should have to be in.  

One of the remarkable things that I recall from my childhood was when somebody at school (a teacher or some employee) noticed that some things were wrong and asked me.  I made the mistake only once of telling of just SOME of the abuses. 

Guess what they did back then?  They went to your abuser to discuss it!  So then you go home and get the qrap beat out of you for saying something.  I learned fast to just keep my trap shut.

I also feel like others had to know.  The beatings were pretty awful and you know people heard the screaming.  I was afraid of her so I tried to always be 'good'.  Needless to say that didn't stop the beatings and the screaming.    

But I remember episodes in public places where it was clear what was going on.  I remember one of the brothers acting up in church and her taking him out to the foyer to give him a beating.  Uh, everybody inside heard every bit of that.  It wasn't that big of a church.  Do you think anything came of that?  Nope.  Nobody ever said a word.  I was pretty embarrassed, though!

On another note, I always thought it must be so cool to have a mother who loved you.  I had had friends, over the years of my childhood, who had loving, nurturing mothers and I longed for that off and on during my life.  At some point you have to just realize that you would never have that, but one can dream!  

[Anita Bourbon]

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@stazgirl wrote:

When it comes down to it...I am willing to bet that there are far more people reading this thread that are affectted by some sort of mental illmess then will admit to it., whether they themselves or someone in their family.   Odds favor it.  Most people still do not want to admit that they themselves (heavens no!) or someone they know (shameful) is dealing with the disease.  THAT IS FACT.  It is out there and shows no sign of going away, and blaming and shaming the people who do come out does not help.  We need to drop the I AM PERFECT ACT< DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT act and start showing some empathy for human beings.    Having a mental illness DOES NOT make someone a horrible in itsself  (although unchecked it can cause you to do horrible things)  and there is NOTHING shameful about admiting that you or someone you know has a mental issues.   

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I am all for de-stigmatization!  I personally spent years of my life with a diagnosis of bi-polar depression.  Throughout throse years I was on a revolving door of medications and I received some of the "finest" psychiatric treatment money could buy due to my affiliation with a particular university's training hospital.  Problem is nothing seemed to work.  After nearly losing my mind and my life to the "treatment" that was supposed to be helping, I got myself off all the meds (after being told by my psychiatrists that they would no longer help me if I stopped taking the drugs).  Now I work with a holisitic doctor who has discovered that I have two legitimate, verifiable hormonal imbalances which I take medication for and I feel human again.  That is not to say that I'm perma-happy, but I deal with my emotions differently these days.  

I value my time inside the mental health system as a learning experience, even though I no longer identify with the dubious labels it slapped on me over the years.  People's suffering is real and there is no shame in asking for help to cope with emotional pain.  I confess that due to experiences like my own I no longer want anything to do with the mental health profession; I worry that the bipolar label makes it too easy to become a dejected pill-popper rather than making painful and difficult life changes.  Even though I no longer identify as "mentally ill" and I reject my diagnosis of bipolar,  I still feel a profound sense of solidarity with those who are still undergoing treatment.  Not all of us find our way out of the darkness, and I will always feel some responsibility to try and advocate for those who are often denied a meaningful voice in their own care.  By bringing the subject into the light we can begin to address the very serious issues in the mental health industry, and perhaps more importantly, we can begin to critically examine what we think we know about mental illness in the first place.  

Thanks for reading.

[fourpaws56]

(((((((hugs))))))) makes me sad to read this..I was also an abused child and it affected my adult life....every day is a struggle....

[stazgirl]

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@chickenbutt wrote:

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@KingstonsMom wrote:

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@catwhisperer wrote:

@chickenbutt...OMG, no child should have to endure that kind of abuse!!! Without going into details, my mother was very abusive and would beat me just because she felt like it. I was verbally, physically, and psychlogically abused. She should have been arrested and thrown in jail, but back in those days, everyone kept it to themselves, even the neighbors. They all knew what was going on, but did nothing. You are one brave, strong lady!!!

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@catwhisperer

I share your pain too, Cat. You're also a brave, strong lady.......you survived in spite of her. 

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Wow, I guess we're all in that club that nobody should have to be in.  

One of the remarkable things that I recall from my childhood was when somebody at school (a teacher or some employee) noticed that some things were wrong and asked me.  I made the mistake only once of telling of just SOME of the abuses. 

Guess what they did back then?  They went to your abuser to discuss it!  So then you go home and get the qrap beat out of you for saying something.  I learned fast to just keep my trap shut.

I also feel like others had to know.  The beatings were pretty awful and you know people heard the screaming.  I was afraid of her so I tried to always be 'good'.  Needless to say that didn't stop the beatings and the screaming.    

But I remember episodes in public places where it was clear what was going on.  I remember one of the brothers acting up in church and her taking him out to the foyer to give him a beating.  Uh, everybody inside heard every bit of that.  It wasn't that big of a church.  Do you think anything came of that?  Nope.  Nobody ever said a word.  I was pretty embarrassed, though!

On another note, I always thought it must be so cool to have a mother who loved you.  I had had friends, over the years of my childhood, who had loving, nurturing mothers and I longed for that off and on during my life.  At some point you have to just realize that you would never have that, but one can dream!  

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that is how it was back when my ex was abusing me,  They DID NOT remove him from the house or arrest him, they TALKED to him, then his fists TALKED to me...What did they think was going to happen?

[stazgirl]

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@Anita Bourbon wrote:

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@stazgirl wrote:

When it comes down to it...I am willing to bet that there are far more people reading this thread that are affectted by some sort of mental illmess then will admit to it., whether they themselves or someone in their family.   Odds favor it.  Most people still do not want to admit that they themselves (heavens no!) or someone they know (shameful) is dealing with the disease.  THAT IS FACT.  It is out there and shows no sign of going away, and blaming and shaming the people who do come out does not help.  We need to drop the I AM PERFECT ACT< DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT act and start showing some empathy for human beings.    Having a mental illness DOES NOT make someone a horrible in itsself  (although unchecked it can cause you to do horrible things)  and there is NOTHING shameful about admiting that you or someone you know has a mental issues.   

---

I am all for de-stigmatization!  I personally spent years of my life with a diagnosis of bi-polar depression.  Throughout throse years I was on a revolving door of medications and I received some of the "finest" psychiatric treatment money could buy due to my affiliation with a particular university's training hospital.  Problem is nothing seemed to work.  After nearly losing my mind and my life to the "treatment" that was supposed to be helping, I got myself off all the meds (after being told by my psychiatrists that they would no longer help me if I stopped taking the drugs).  Now I work with a holisitic doctor who has discovered that I have two legitimate, verifiable hormonal imbalances which I take medication for and I feel human again.  That is not to say that I'm perma-happy, but I deal with my emotions differently these days.  

I value my time inside the mental health system as a learning experience, even though I no longer identify with the dubious labels it slapped on me over the years.  People's suffering is real and there is no shame in asking for help to cope with emotional pain.  I confess that due to experiences like my own I no longer want anything to do with the mental health profession; I worry that the bipolar label makes it too easy to become a dejected pill-popper rather than making painful and difficult life changes.  Even though I no longer identify as "mentally ill" and I reject my diagnosis of bipolar,  I still feel a profound sense of solidarity with those who are still undergoing treatment.  Not all of us find our way out of the darkness, and I will always feel some responsibility to try and advocate for those who are often denied a meaningful voice in their own care.  By bringing the subject into the light we can begin to address the very serious issues in the mental health industry, and perhaps more importantly, we can begin to critically examine what we think we know about mental illness in the first place.  

Thanks for reading.

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That is a good things for you, I am glad it turned out to be something else, however, it is not always the case, my daughter has gone to naturapathethic and holistic drs and been tested for all kinds of things...She HATES taking the pills (they all have side effects and NONE are a miracle)  and has gone off of them many times hoping to conquer the illness, she does go to counseling too,  It is a complex issue and although I think that there are those out there who are happy to "POP A PILL" and be done, I can assure you, that MOST people living with this illness would be all to happy to ditch the meds for good if they could find some sort of relief.   The mental health community at best has a "pop a pill" mentality and with all this talk of FIXING the mental issue NEEDS to start with making avail top notch treatment to all.  If you are on state insurance of some of the lowerer tiered insurance carriers, your mental health care is limited to "pill popping" and nothing else, and only a very limited number of choices of those,  Only the top tier insurance plans cover the new and promising drugs and treatments.   There needs to be change.

[KingstonsMom]

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@fourpaws56 wrote:

(((((((hugs))))))) makes me sad to read this..I was also an abused child and it affected my adult life....every day is a struggle....

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@fourpaws56

(((((hugs)))) right back atcha fourpaws!

[chickenbutt]

Stazgirl - Yeah, I never could understand, even as a child I got it, why they felt it was appropriate to go to your abuser to report what you reported about them.

What did they think was going to happen?  Oh yeah, they didn't think!  That's the only conclusion that came to mind for me.   But the worst thing is you learn quickly that you couldn't talk to anybody about it because your life would just get that much worse.

In your case, where it was a spouse abusing you that had to be way beyond scary!  You knew you were going to get knocked around for telling.     It just boggles the mind that they could figure anything good could come out of doing that.