I love my sister but she is smothering me... - Page 5

spud188 · ‎09-23-2010

I am so sorry to hear about your husband.

CrazyKittyLvr2 · ‎05-11-2013

Well, after my sister's 2nd phone call in 5 hours, the 1st at 9:30 this morning, I said that I appreciated her worrying about me but she didn't to do multiple check-ins a day. I told her if I needed anything she is the one I would call and I asked her and my BIL if they wanted to come up next Saturday and visit. She didn't seem hurt thankfully so I'll seeif that does the trick.

I did nap for 2 hrs. but had a terrrible dream and I feel like I'm catching a cold.

My son was over and he is going to re-do the small ramp to the porch so I can park next to it and get myself in and out of the house on my own. I want to get to the post office at least twice a week (DD can go Saturdays). If I start getting mail at the house I would have to change addresses and I don't want the hassle. DD would have to change all ofher stuff too.

Greeneyedlady21 · ‎01-06-2015

@CrazyKittyLvr2 Unfortunately all these issues that arise with people just add to the incredible difficulty dealing with loss and grief, it's another layer. I think you're doing well to be able to be so straightforward with your sister.

My Mom died last June. I started a grief support group in the Among Friends forum last year. No one has posted in it in a while so I haven't either. But it's there if you ever want to, and people will be there for you. It's called Among Friends grief support group.

"If you really want to shock the world unleash your kindness"

Drythe · ‎07-09-2011

@stevieb wrote:
@CrazyKittyLvr2 Consider using your sister's desire to help and support you to your advantage. Ask her to return calls to those friends, neighbors and family who are less close. That way, you don't have to do it, she feels like she's helping you, and you're not in the position of having to shut her down.

@CrazyKittyLvr2 @stevieb

Thinking of you and holding you in the Light.

Firstly, I know you are grateful for your siblings. I wish so very much that I had some.

Please do consider Stevie’s suggestion, I think it’s very sound as usual for her. You could set a specific time to call your Sis every AM and let her return calls for you. Others would surely appreciate hearing from a family member. Could relieve the burden of some calls for you, and allow your Sis to be of real help.

Peace to you.

"Animals are not my whole world, but they have made my world whole" ~ Roger Caras

Venezia · ‎03-09-2010

@CrazyKittyLvr2- When my father-in-law's wife passed away, her remaining two sisters were constantly phoning and stopping in to "take care" of him. They were trying to be kind and he knew that, but he needed it to stop.

I asked him how he was doing and he said that they were "trying to mother" him, but that they were "smothering" him. He said he needed time to come to grips with it on his own.

I told him I'd talk to them (sometimes easier, when you're not a close, immediate relative) and I did. They backed off and he was able to grieve in his own way, at his own pace. He (and they) knew he could call them any time he needed help.

You don't sound unkind or ungrateful at all. You need room to breathe and time to heal.

september · ‎03-09-2010

It’s probably too late for me to comment on this, but maybe my comment could help someone else.

I was fortunate to have my daughter here, in the days following my husbands death. Yes, there were lots of calls, texts, emails. At first, I tried to answer them all, but just became overwhelmed. My daughter took over and answered many of them for me. I just handed her my phone, and she even texted back to people! There were a few times when she said “I think you should take this one” and I did.

Anyway, I was thinking the sister could actually be of great value if she could do what my daughter did for me.

JaneMarple · ‎05-23-2011

@september wrote:
It’s probably too late for me to comment on this, but maybe my comment could help someone else.

I was fortunate to have my daughter here, in the days following my husbands death. Yes, there were lots of calls, texts, emails. At first, I tried to answer them all, but just became overwhelmed. My daughter took over and answered many of them for me. I just handed her my phone, and she even texted back to people! There were a few times when she said “I think you should take this one” and I did.

Anyway, I was thinking the sister could actually be of great value if she could do what my daughter did for me.

@september , I was thinking the same exact thing.

You Don't Own Me- Leslie Gore
(You don't Know) How Glad I Am- Nancy Wilson

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@CrazyKittyLvr2 wrote:
@newname0 I know some people would give anything to have a sister like mine and I am very lucky, I feel like such a jerk even talking about her concern. But between her callls I am also getting multiple calls from my numerous in-laws, my friends and neighbors. I am going to have to put out the word to give me a couple of days and hope I don't sound like an ungrateful witch.

I am so sorry for your loss, @CrazyKittyLvr2. I hope you and your family can find comfort in each other, and I hope happy memories will soon overtake the sadness.

IMO you shouldn't be worried at all right now about what people think of you. You're clearly not an ungrateful witch. You're a grieving widow, and everyone grieves differently. Some people need to be alone, others want to be surrounded by lots of family and friends constantly, especially at first. You're entitled to grieve YOUR way in your own time. No one should be judging you, and if they are, shame on them! Don't even think about that. You need to take care of yourself and try to heal as best you can.

Your sister obviously cares about you, and wants to be supportive even though she's far away. My advice is to tell her that you know her intentions are good and you love her for caring, but you really need to have some space, at least for awhile. Tell her that you'll check in from time to time so she'll know you're okay, and tell her that you'll let her know if you want her to come back. She wants to be helpful, and maybe she can be helpful by spreading the word that you feel the need for alone time. That would be a lovely thing for her to do for you - It would make her feel useful and also give you the space you need.

You're blessed to have such a loving sister. Again, I'm sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself. Anyone who truly cares about you will understand your need to pull away for a little while.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@Greeneyedlady21 wrote:
@CrazyKittyLvr2 Unfortunately all these issues that arise with people just add to the incredible difficulty dealing with loss and grief, it's another layer. I think you're doing well to be able to be so straightforward with your sister.

My Mom died last June. I started a grief support group in the Among Friends forum last year. No one has posted in it in a while so I haven't either. But it's there if you ever want to, and people will be there for you. It's called Among Friends grief support group.

Thank you for mentioning this, @Greeneyedlady21 I wasn't aware there was a support group. I may post there soon. I hope others do as well.

roeroe1005 · ‎03-13-2010

@CrazyKittyLvr2,

You handled the issue very well by inviting your sister & BIL over for a visit. This way she will see you in person and hopefully agree that, right now, you are doing as best you can under this sad circumstance.

My sister and I were getting the same "how are you doing" calls/texts in the days after his death. We had dad cremated with no wake/funeral, as per his wishes. But we realized that our family, who do not live near us, needed closure as dad's death came so quickly. So we will be having a memorial mass next month, more for family/friends, than for us. This seems to have help.

You and your family continue to be in my prayers.