Wellness

[Ringer2]

You need to have a heart to heart and tell him you have boundaries and drinking is one he can no longer cross. If he is unhappy, well that is something going to an AA meeting might help!

[ritasNo1Fan]

AL Anon. For you. And THEN maybe you can get him into AA.

[adoreqvc]

Many people are not alcoholics if they consume a few glasses of wine daily.

Many Europeans and others globally do, and it has been proven to actually be very heart healthy.

If you were aware that he does have these issues perhaps you should have informed him before you decided to try and help him, and offer him a place in your home to get his life in order.

Surely you must know that if by chance he is really an alcoholic he is under the influence and addicted and going cold turkey can produce the most God awful painful dangerous to one's health withdrawals ever to be seen, unless it is a choice made by the person with the issues, and the detox is performed in a medical rehab center, under strict supervised medical monitoring.

To cause him additional stress now only defeats the purpose, but of course if there are small children in the home, or if you are are really uncomfortable, then perhaps it would be best since you offered for him to come to your home, to now offer him an alternative option acceptable to you, and pick up that cost too.

No one will stop drinking unless it is their choice and I have heard in AA meetings a person must really have an inner need to stop consuming alcohol, and seek pro help in order for it to be totally successful......and even afterwards they must attend AA meetings because that desire usually always remains in their mind, and needs constant positive reinforcement from others, not to become a problem again.

Whatever the outcome......I wish everyone only the best.

[fingerlakesny]

It's your house-your space. I do not drink either and no one can drink at my house. No one gets mad or upset over it. If I go to someone's house where they drink, that's fine. It is their house. That is just the way I am. I have children and now grandchildren. That is the way they were brought up and none of them drink. I don't like to see that when there are kids around, especially when someone gets drunk and is acting crazy. Not for kids to see. Explain to him how you feel and probably in the long run you will be helping him. Drinking is not the way to get your life together.

[drizzellla]

Having 2 brothers who briefly lived with me off and on and both have had serious money troubles - I can understand. I don't think that telling him he can't drink is going to help - he will just hide his drinking from you. It doesn't sound like he has many choices in his life right now. And you are his one means of support in so many ways. Thanks for trying to help him.

Maybe early in the day before he starts drinking - you can sit and talk to him. Express your expectations as him being your house guest. Do it while you are both calm and don't start with a negative tone. He will just get defensive.

Please try and work out a working understanding. I know with my brothers - it has gone on for many years and I suspect I will have to supplement one brothers lifestyle until I die. Who knows how long your brother will be living with you. So please work something out that both of you are comfortable with, so you can enjoy each others company in the years to come.

[YorkieonmyPillow]

Is he a "guest" in your home who needs to obey your rules of living --- or is he your brother, whom you love and whom you will be emotionally supportive of during this stressful time?

The bigger picture here is that your brother is in crisis. Asking him to follow rules at this time isn't logical and I don't think it's a loving thing to do.

He needs help, sounds like.

[MizKringle]

There is a difference between problem drinking and alcoholism. Problem drinking can sometimes turn into alcoholism, but not necessarily. It can just be one way that people use to cope with a difficult life situation temporarily and this has traditionally been a more common approach used by men. Some people I've been very close to have been alcoholics. True alcoholics tend to prioritize alcohol over everyone and everything in their lives.

I'm sure the situation is even more complex than you've been able to share with us. Your brother could probably benefit from a veteran support group. You might also consider getting support for yourself as you try to help your brother.

If your brother poses a danger to someone in your home, then you need to protect yourself/others in your home and ask him to leave. Other than that, you need to decide for yourself how much you feel you are able to help him.

As for some of the other responses, I am a little surprised that some people could so readily kick someone when they were down. If a family member going through a crisis can't get help from family - then what hope is there for us as a society to care for those less fortunate? Are human beings really that disposable? I've met people (upstanding citizens) who truly believe that some lives are disposable - but they felt that way about strangers. I am puzzled that such attitudes would be expressed toward family. None of the major world religions support this perspective. Christianity, Judaism, Islam and Buddhism clearly indicate that we should help others, whether we are related to them or not.

[Anniecamp]

OP, I suspect you already know what the answer is to your question. There are so many red flags in your posts, that I don't even know where to start. One of the first things that a problem drinker/alcoholic, or those who love them, needs to ask is, "Has the alcohol caused problems in your life?" In this case, absolutely. Please ignore those who say you should coddle him or drown him with excuses and sympathy. For one thing, it is extremely rare for someone to lose their driving license from only 1 DUI, unless someone was killed from an accident. My guess is that your bother has had several of them.

Although I am so sorry to hear that his son died, it happens to many people who do not drink daily because of it, especially after such a long period of time.

It's also very common for a problem drinker to have their marriage end in divorce, and end up unemployed. Just the fact that he gets upset when you express concern about his drinking is also a red flag. People who don't have a problem with alcohol wouldn't care if they were asked to not drink in someone else's home. It wouldn't be a big deal to them, especially since they couldn't afford their own place. It's also questionable why he seems to think spending so much money on alcohol is ok since he can't even afford his own place.

Even the fact that you don't want him cooking anymore shows that his drinking is affecting your own life. There are probably other problems that his drinking has caused that have affected you, as well, but you may not have thought about it.

As some have suggested, get to Al-anon. The stories of others will sound very familiar you you. Please don't allow this situation to continue or you will have a real mess on your hands. I wish you the best.

[SydneyH]

I wouldn't allow him to live in my home, this sounds like a disaster in the making......

[60sgirl]

I wouldn't bring a delicate problem like this with your brother to a chat forum and make up my mind on how to handle it based on advice from anonymous posters.

I just don't understand how people can divulge such personal detailed stories of their lives to people online and look for advice. Talk to a professional counselor, or go with your brother to one so that this can be worked out.