Wellness

[Susan in California]

I had lunch two days ago with a dear friend.  I have known her for almost 40 years.  She had a long career as an elementary-school principal.  She is divorced with four grown sons.  Our sons were friends when they were children.

Over the past few years, I have noticed she doesn't remember shared experiences we have had. 

At first, I took it personally, and felt these events might have just meant more to me than to her.

Then at this most-recent lunch, her memory seemed really poor.

She didn't even remember my older son's wedding party which was a fairly large affair which she attended with one of her sons and his wife.  (FYI--her sister actually officiated at this wedding.It was only family in attendance at the wedding itself, but this friend suggested her sister officiate.)

She couldn't remember the names of people we both knew, and acted surprised when I spoke of another friend's sister.

("I didn't know her sister"., when in fact she did.) There are many more examples like this....

It was so nice to see her, we have so much history together. But it also felt odd.  At times she is very lucid, and then she seems very befuddled.

I do know her mother had Alzheimer's disease.  I just hope this isn't the case with my friend.

It is just sad, and I can't stop thinking about her.

[Snowpuppy]

If something is a memorable event for you it may not have been for others. Especially 30-40 years ago.

Some folks have a clear memory of their kindergarten teacher or the names of all their HS classmates. For me, neither was important enough to etch in my mind.

Some of us truly leave the past behind without suffering from memory loss. 

[Imaoldhippie]

My opinion is you should tell her your concern and suggest she see her doctor.

[hckynut]

@Susan in California

I have a good friend that I grew up with in Public Housing  Projects back in the 1940's-50's. He is 82, which is 3 years older than myself. Have been connected back with him since the late 1960's, when we met during a Health Spa visit.

He then joined the Adult Hockey League that I started in 1963 and ran for 52 years. There I saw him several times a week during our hockey season, and we stayed in touch regularly during the hockey off season. He played until he was 77.

At no point did he remember even close to the things that I do when growing up in those Projects. I remember neighbors/which apartment they lived in, and on and on. He remembers very little of much of those years. When I re-met him, he would have been in his early 30's, and his memory then is no different now than it was back those many decades ago.

Why do I remember and he does not? Beats me, but it is what it is, and that is where I left and leave it. I still see him at least 1 time every week, because at 82, he is still in excellent physical condition, and I see him skating at the ice rink. He is always the only skater there older than me.

I don't know what to say about your 40 year friend but this. If you know her family talk with them and tell them what you have said here. If they are close to her, I would think they would be aware of this memory issue, enough so they would talk with her about it. Other than that?

hckynut(john)

[Lilysmom]

@Susan in California, that’s a tough one.  My older sister died at the age of 59 from early onset Alzheimer’s.  My family doctor told me that immediate family is 50% more likely to get Alzheimer’s if this is the case.  If you feel comfortable, talk to her.  If not, perhaps you could have a word with one of her sons.  Best to you.  LM

[NickNack]

I'm sorry this is happening to your friend.  Yes, it is sad.  If she truly has memory issues I'm sure she realizes it and is frustrated by it.  My father's memory keeps getting worse and worse, and he realized it from the beginning.  I would not mention it to her or her family.

I know you weren't really asking for advice, but since other people were suggesting you talk with her or her family I just wanted to put my two cents in for the other side.

[jlkz]

@Susan in California

If your friend drove to your lunch meeting, I would waste no time in talking to her sons ( plural )....not everyone really listens and gets involved.  My concern ( having dealt with each of my parents as they went through different dementia paths ) is for the safety of those around her as she drives as well as for herself.

My mom actually got out of her car on the road and left it there...she forgot how to drive to my sister, her hairdressing appointment.  Thank goodness no one hit her and that she was close to her house.  Keys were handed over, no questions asked.

Good Luck....it is a very tricky situation.  You want to be able to live with yourself for the rest of your life.

One additional thought ( may not be applicable here though ): a close friend almost died from meningitis a few years ago.  The only after effect:  her long term memory is compromised.  She worked for me over 40 years ago and doesn’t remember a lot of the stuff that happened.  She loves it when I repeat the stories, thinking she is hearing it for the first time.

[phoenixbrd]

@hckynut  I enjoyed reading your post and have respect for you still visiting with your friend from the projects that doesn't remember past events.  Some people work on not being effected by past events.  There are tools and strategies to be at peace and accept all that has occurred.  So in some aspects, it might be a blessing to not remember.  This might be more of a tragedy for those that witness this occurrence that for those that are experiencing it.

You are a true friend to your life long buddy....that speaks volumes about who you are.

[RedTop]

I am a very focused, and detailed person, and have strong memories starting at the age of 3.   I easily remember lots of family related things as well as school memories.  In a recent conversation with my mom, I described the dresses and shoes I wore to my paternal grandparents funerals in 1969 and 1971.    I could walk into my old high school right now and go straight to every locker I had from grade 7-12.   My brain doesn’t let go of memories, or numbers easily.  

My mother has been diagnosed with early stage dementia, and is experiencing the same things you have written about your friend.   I think my mom is much farther along in the dementia process, and already she’s not the mom I grew up with, she’s the shrinking little woman who lives in my parents house.    Sometimes I am absolutely dumbfounded at what she no longer remembers, like her own health issues.   

I see memory changes in a friend who just retired; actually I suspect she retired because she could see a change in her memory skills.   I would certainly mention your concerns to one of the sons.   

[cherry]

@Susan in California  I went through something similar with a friend. I noticed she seemed aloof, not at all like the person I once knew. I just felt she had moved on, until a mutual friend called me, and remarked she wasn't the same at all any longer

Alzheimer's diseases ran in her family. We are both sure she had it. Her daughter brought her mother to my beauty shop, and asked how she should care for her mothers hair. SHe wanted to know about cuts and perms...my hairdresser felt the same as my friend and I did

It was just so sad for all of us. She has passed now, but we lost her long before that happened...about all you can do is pray, if you are so inclined, and wish her well