Wellness

[151949]

Perhaps a hospitalization and some therapy would be a good idea.While you are there they could tweek your meds to get you on the best possible combination of drugs.

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 4/8/2014 Deb1010again said:

Hey Mistri - I followed you here from the other thread as you mentioned. Oh my dear, I am so so sorry for all you are going thru and that you never had the appropriate attention paid to you by your parents. I understand more than you know... but I don't want to go into it here. Suffice it to say your childhood sounds similar in many ways. My parents have TOTALLY changed as they've aged -- thank G-d. They care more for each other and express much more to me and my siblings.

Your reaction to everything you are facing is totally normal. The one suggestion I have is to take it one day at a time. You seem to worry very much about what might happen and take it all the way to its most alarming and bad outcome. Maybe you can try a different approach and give your mom encouragement rather than bringing up the worst case scenario and how she'll act uncaringly. Regarding your situation, it is what it is. In the end you can't fight city hall. Do what you can and try to be as positive as you can. Internalize the Serenity Prayer.

I hope maybe something I've typed has helped you out in some way. At least know that I am reading your posts and I'll be here for you unless something catastrophic happens to me.

Sorry, deb.

I hear what you're saying...I just got a chuckle from your post.

I do worry about what will happen in advance, because I know that things can happen very quickly. My brother and I were trying to get my mother to clean out the den a month or two ago, because we knew dad would get sicker, and it should not be left to the last minute. Then he had strokes and went into the hospital, and it wasn't done. If he'd been discharged Monday, like they originally thought he would be, there wouldn't have been a room ready on the first floor for him.

In other words, I am just trying to prepare for what is likely to happen. At this point, I don't know if he'll get worse and die in the hospital or he'll come home. Either scenario could happen, but I'd like to have things in place if they say he could be discharged within the next few days. If his lung fluid results come back bad, and his lungs continue to fill with fluid, he may not make it out of there. Either of those scenarios could happen, but I have to pre-plan for his arrival home in case he can come home. I also have to be able to handle it if he doesn't make it out of there.

As far as my mom goes, she is already acting uncaringly...it's not an "if." I realized today that I can't rely on what she says she will do, because I will constantly be disappointed and angry if I allow myself to rely on someone who is unreliable. It's a sad situation, but she has problems I can't do anything about.

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 4/8/2014 pistolino said:

Oh Mistri--some thoughts here.

Your mom, as you can see, has no ability to empathize with your father. He can't help what he does.

Because of this, taking care of him at home is going to be challenging for the rest of you and possibly detrimental to your dad.

She thinks he has a purpose to everything he does, he is frail and to have your mother "in charge" of his welfare is concerning. Although he can have hospice at home, the hospice people will not be there all the time. The only 24/7 coverage you get is when he is in the actively dying phase. This means family is in charge of looking for changes, medicating for pain or agitation, and caring for all the needs he has.

Please keep an open mind as to inpatient hospice or even a skilled nursing facility, and please visit them yourself. A good facility can actually be a buffer between your mother and your dad. She will have to be on her best behavior (they won't allow her to speak to him harshly or leave him to his own devices if he falls). His needs will be cared for 24/7 by professionals who really do care. My mother spent the last 3 years of her life in a nursing home with dementia. The night before she died, 3 shifts of aides and nurses came to tell her goodbye and tell her how much they were going to miss her (she was unconscious). Most wanted to be called at home when she passed. They really cared for her in their hearts, and it's one of the things that gives me peace about her illness and death, that I put her in capable and caring hands.

I'm going to advocate for what my dad wants, unless it's not possible to keep him at home.

He retired last July. In August, he found out he has esophageal cancer. In September, the doctors found evidence of malignancy in his femur. In December, the PET scan showed beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is terminally ill...and that the chemo hadn't worked. In March, a CT scan showed the second course of chemo didn't work either.

He doesn't have much time left, and he had less than 2 months of enjoyable retirement time. All he wants to do is come home and watch t.v. with a dog on his lap.

This situation is temporary. I don't believe he will be alive in 6 months. His cancer is aggressive, and it isn't responding to treatment.

My dad is only 67 years old. He worked extra years--at my mother's urging--because she wanted them to have a high standard of living during their retirement years, and she wanted the money to build a log cabin on a big plot of land...a log cabin my dad never cared about, but he knew it would make her happy. (Mind you, she hasn't worked in years.) This man deserves to spend the remaining days, weeks or months of his life in the home he worked for. He isn't asking for much.

I realize I will have to put my life on hold, but that is a sacrifice I am more than willing to make. I told my mom that if she can't handle dealing with him, she can move into my house and live by herself, and the nurse(es) and I will care for him. He has the money to pay for nurses, and because he worked those extra years, my mom should still have plenty of money to live on when he is gone.

So he will only be put in a home if he wants to, or if he cannot return to his home. There is no way in h*** I will allow her to bully him into a facility if he wants to come home and is medically able to.

(No offense to you...I'm just very passionate about advocating for what he wants.)

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 4/8/2014 mrs baggins said:

I, too, have struggled with depression, at times actually sitting down and writing my own obituary. The one thing I can suggest is a pet. My cats kept me going during the worst of times. I had to take care of them. And they, in turn, I think, took care of me. And like you, I, too, don't believe in religion. Good luck, and please reach out when you feel the need.

Thanks for your reply, mrs baggins.

I have a guinea pig, and my parents have a dog. I am moving into my parents' house if/when my dad is able to come home from the hospital, so I won't be getting any new pets anytime soon. Also, I plan to move from the area after my father dies, to pursue a second bachelor's degree that will result in a decent career. I doubt I will have time to care for a dog (I'm allergic to cats), and having a dog would really limit the number of places where I could rent.

I agree with you though. Pets can be very helpful psychologically. That is part of the reason I'm so determined to get my dad back home with his dog. He loves her and misses her, and he won't be able to keep her with him if he is put into a facility.

I hope you are doing better with your depression these days; it's an ongoing battle, I know.

I wish you the best!!

[Deb1010again]

On 4/8/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

He doesn't have much time left, and he had less than 2 months of enjoyable retirement time. All he wants to do is come home and watch t.v. with a dog on his lap.

I've got to give you credit for knowing the nuts and bolts of the simple things that will make your dad happy. It's not too much to ask and I hope he's able to have at least some time to watch tv with the dog on his lap in his own home. It's good he has the resources to augment your TLC with a nurse or home health aide(s).

I read your response to my post and I don't know what to tell you about your mom. You've definitely got your hands full there. What kind of relationship, if any, do you want with her after your dad passes?

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 4/8/2014 happy housewife said: Perhaps a hospitalization and some therapy would be a good idea.While you are there they could tweek your meds to get you on the best possible combination of drugs.

Honestly, there are about 3 drugs left to try that I haven't been on, either because they were contraindicated, or because the potential side effects didn't seem reasonable.

I have a therapist now, but I cannot do a hospitalization now because my father is terminally ill with a fairly aggressive form of cancer (esophageal cancer, stage IV), and he's had multiple strokes. He's in the hospital now. They pulled about 2 quarts of fluid from his lungs today, and the results of the tests on that fluid should give us a better indication of how things are going to go. If/when he gets out, I will be caring for him...along with nurses we will pay to come into his home. Once one of his doctors gives him a referral for hospice, we will go through hospice for in-home care (if possible).

I know I am still depressed, but I have had years of therapy, a couple of hospitalizations, spent lots of time reading self-help books and journaling, spent a lot of time figuring things out...and I have a B.A. in psych. In other words, I have learned a lot over the years, and I'm aware of what I'm dealing with.

The situation with my father has taught me a lot of things...things I never learned from therapy. I'm learning more each day. Sometimes I feel like I'm at my wits' end, but I am better at picking myself up than I used to be...and the medication is a big part of that too. Without the SSNRI I'm on, I know that I would not be able to function, let alone deal with what is going on with my family right now. That and the psychological work I've done over the years is keeping me afloat right now. I will continue to see my therapist though, and hospice offers grief support groups...so that will be good for me as well.

Depression is something that I know will be a lifelong battle for me...but I'm better at battling it than I used to be, and that is a step in the right direction.

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 4/8/2014 Deb1010again said:

On 4/8/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

He doesn't have much time left, and he had less than 2 months of enjoyable retirement time. All he wants to do is come home and watch t.v. with a dog on his lap.

I've got to give you credit for knowing the nuts and bolts of the simple things that will make your dad happy. It's not too much to ask and I hope he's able to have at least some time to watch tv with the dog on his lap in his own home. It's good he has the resources to augment your TLC with a nurse or home health aide(s).

I read your response to my post and I don't know what to tell you about your mom. You've definitely got your hands full there. What kind of relationship, if any, do you want with her after your dad passes?

I hope I didn't offend you with my chuckles, deb.

As far as my relationship with my mom, and what I want down the road...that depends on her behavior. If she keeps acting as she is now, I guess we may be able to repair things after he is gone...but if she sticks around and screams at him all the time, abuses him in some way or drains their bank accounts in an attempt to block his care...I don't see my mother and I having a relationship after that. It really does depend on her. If she does anything despicable, I can't see wanting her in my life; it would also prove that she shouldn't be in my life.

[hullie]

I have been fighting depression as well. Is it so bad to just stay in bed where you feel safe from all the pain of the world? I don't know, just asking because I have found myself seeking comfort in bed with the door closed and my books and tv. When I feel better I get up and bathe and eat and occasionally leave the house. It is not the life I imagined myself to have but when the hurt gets too much it is really a comfort to just shut the world out. I am lucky to have a nice home and I am retired so I try and count my blessings and handle what the world throws at me by curling up in bed. My heart goes out to you as well, try and figure out what puts a smile on your face and go for it each day.

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 4/8/2014 hullie said:

I have been fighting depression as well. Is it so bad to just stay in bed where you feel safe from all the pain of the world? I don't know, just asking because I have found myself seeking comfort in bed with the door closed and my books and tv. When I feel better I get up and bathe and eat and occasionally leave the house. It is not the life I imagined myself to have but when the hurt gets too much it is really a comfort to just shut the world out. I am lucky to have a nice home and I am retired so I try and count my blessings and handle what the world throws at me by curling up in bed. My heart goes out to you as well, try and figure out what puts a smile on your face and go for it each day.

hullie,

It's not that there is anything ethically wrong with wanting to stay in bed...especially if you are retired and have no one else to care for...but you may be risking blood clots if you are staying in bed for long periods of time.

I would suggest that you look for something else to soothe you. A little bit of exercise can be helpful to boost the mood. You may also want to read through the suggestions given by other posters in previous posts on this thread.

I totally understand the desire to stay in bed...my bed is almost too comfortable...and I feel safe there. On the other hand, I know if I spend too much time there, I will never improve my situation or my depression. Lying in bed does nothing to help you learn coping skills...it only distracts you from your problems and allows you to shut out the things/people that you have trouble dealing with.

[pistolino]

On 4/8/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

On 4/8/2014 Deb1010again said:

On 4/8/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

He doesn't have much time left, and he had less than 2 months of enjoyable retirement time. All he wants to do is come home and watch t.v. with a dog on his lap.

I've got to give you credit for knowing the nuts and bolts of the simple things that will make your dad happy. It's not too much to ask and I hope he's able to have at least some time to watch tv with the dog on his lap in his own home. It's good he has the resources to augment your TLC with a nurse or home health aide(s).

I read your response to my post and I don't know what to tell you about your mom. You've definitely got your hands full there. What kind of relationship, if any, do you want with her after your dad passes?

I hope I didn't offend you with my chuckles, deb.

As far as my relationship with my mom, and what I want down the road...that depends on her behavior. If she keeps acting as she is now, I guess we may be able to repair things after he is gone...but if she sticks around and screams at him all the time, abuses him in some way or drains their bank accounts in an attempt to block his care...I don't see my mother and I having a relationship after that. It really does depend on her. If she does anything despicable, I can't see wanting her in my life; it would also prove that she shouldn't be in my life.

Are you your father's power-of-attorney for health care AND for financial?

I ask because unless you or someone other than her is, she is free to drain him financially. If you haven't been made his POA, please contact a lawyer to get this done ASAP. This is the proactive way to handle it, versus waiting for her to start financial mismanagement.

A good attorney will come to the hospital or to your home to help you with this, it's too much for your dad to have to go anywhere.

Your mother concerns me a lot - has she always been like this or is this something that's occurred within the last few years? If this is a more recent personality change, consider early dementia---often when one spouse starts failing the other's functioning gets lost in the shuffle.

Also, make the home as dementia-friendly as possible. I say this because the many little strokes he's had essentially has put him in that state. That's why he gets up when he's not supposed to and has falls. If he is able to walk once he gets home, make sure things like OTC meds, things that are kept on the bathroom counters, laundry detergent (especially those pod-type detergents that look like candy) are put out of sight--he may try to eat or drink things that **look** good but are poisonous.

As an example, when my mom was mid-stage in her dementia, I brought her some flowers for Mother's Day--she looked at them and then tried to eat them. No more flowers after that and I realized that's why they only had fabric flowers at the nursing home.

He will need grab rails if he is going to be toileting himself so he has something to hold on to, a shower chair for the bathtub or shower is essential so he can be seated. You will probably end up having to toilet him and bathe him unless you hire someone. Hospice will only do so once or twice a week at most.