Wellness

[ROMARY]

Always remember that we love you. Try to have a daily routine. Perhaps your local malls have a morning mall walkers' group. You can call the mall offices and find out. Community centers and recreation centers offer all types of classes and meet-up groups. Make it a point to do a little something every single day. Sometimes centers have a daily lunch menu where you will meet many friends. Volunteer on the weekends. So many options available now-a-days that weren't available many years ago. We're here with you always.

[kcladyz]

running away and starting over will not change anything, sometimes it makes it worse.

SAM-e supplements helped a little but they were expensive. I ended up going to the doctor. You can not "will" away depression. I was put on Busar and Amitriptyline and it changed my life. I am sleeping foe the first time in decades and i have not had an episode of depression since I started the meds in january. There is no shame in going to the doctor for help

[Lucky Charm]

Hey, it's good to see your name around again. I've been thinking about you. It is wonderful that you know you did what you could for your father while he was ill. You cared for him and he knows that. It's very strange, I'm sure to have that permanence of loss.

I still have my parents, but lost two great aunts when I was in my thirties. They were truly GREAT aunts. I wished they were my parents if that makes sense. I feel that loss more now than I did when they passed. They were in their 60's when I was born. So they were elderly to me my whole life. But they were so good to me. They filled voids that my parents didn't seem to think were glaringly there.

It's almost a daily ritual that I speak of them lovingly, longingly. And this post is my daily homage to them. They were that great. I hope and pray that I will see them again. And if they see me right now this minute as I type, then they know how much I still hurt when I think of them. But it's a good hurt.

I *think* some day your pain will lessen, it will still hurt, but it will be a good hurt.

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 8/12/2014 lolakimono said:

Mistri,

I know what you mean. My dad was diagnosed with Stage IV on my first day of school. He was gone by March. Back to school time is always depressing, because it always brings back how quickly things can change in a short time.

I would advise you to put your grief into an outlet for change, either by supporting a cause he would have liked or one that you would like. I hope that you're able to spend time with his doggie too. Animals can be great healers.

I wonder if you were able to join a grief group through hospice, or if your mom has been attending. I know you've been keeping your distance.

Are you still thinking about school? A new goal might be something to look forward to, that would keep your interest and focus in a time that seems like nothing positive will happen. I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

Post when you can.

Thanks, lolakimono!

It is so very hard to put the past year into some sort of perspective that doesn't make me cry.

I want to do some work with an EC non-profit, but I still feel like my grief is thick enough that I just can't do it right now on a consistent basis. I do warn people about heartburn when opportunities present themselves and I don't feel like I'll cry if I talk to them about Dad dying. (eg--I was at the health food store today and overheard a woman asking someone who worked there what could be done about her husband's GERD...and it's the second time I've been in that store and overheard someone asking about GERD. I asked another CSR who worked there if they frequently get questions about GERD; she said yes. I told her what had happened to my father, and that heartburn can be serious business, and asked that she please let people know not to think that it is merely a nuisance problem.) People often say, "oh, I'm so sorry for your loss," which is very kind of them...but I tell them, "thank you, but it's okay...I just want you to know so that you can tell other people."

I have been spending time with my "sister" doggy. She has been acting differently since my dad passed. She has separation anxiety. She whimpers whenever you return. I think she is afraid that when my mom and I leave her presence, we may not come back...like her daddy. I feel so sorry for her. He also spoiled her with fancy food, several backrubs a day, playing her favorite game with her, and just generally being around all day for her to hang out with. She does seem to be getting a little better though...I hope she will continue to adjust to her new "normal." I've watched her quite a bit lately. My maternal grandmother suffered a bad fall and broke her femur, so my mom was out of town for that. Then my brother and niece and nephew came to visit, and they spent a lot of time out and about with my mom, so my "sister" came to stay with me for awhile. Unfortunately, she keeps different hours than me...so I did not get much sleep while she was here.

The hospice grief group is on hold right now; I'm trying desperately to catch up financially because of the time I took off to care for Dad and mourn his loss. I pretty much have to pick up whatever shifts I can so that I don't get my gas, electric, etc. shut off. It didn't help that I missed shifts when there was a water ban here and the restaurant was closed...and it could happen again, so I really have to be careful about spending money and working as much as possible.

School is something I'd like to do, but the financial thing is hanging over my head, and so is this house. There are several things that remain unfinished that I'd like to get done before it goes on the market, and I don't have my dad to help me anymore. I know this house will sell for less than its purchase price, but I'd like to minimize the "damage" that the failing economy here has done to the value of my home.

In other words...I'm trying to keep up. I hope I can make progress at some point, but it seems like a slow process...

Anyway, I hope you are doing well, my friend.

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 8/12/2014 lovestoteach said:

mistriTsquirrel... (((hugs))) that is so sad! Of course, you continue to grieve and perhaps it comes on slowly or just whacks you upside of the head! I don't think we ever get totally over a loss like that. The only method of coping for me, it seems, is to be so totally wrapped up in my daily career "to-dos" that I push all other thoughts away... that may not be the healthiest way, but it is a way for me. Depression is like an i t c h that you can't scratch. My wish for you is for you to have some peace.

Thanks, lovestoteach.

I have been keeping busy, but I also allow myself to cry, to remember, etc. I fear that if I just keep busy and I never let myself feel the grief, it will eventually catch up with me, and I will wind up hospitalized or something.

I do feel like, I can be doing something, and wham! grief smacks me in the face with no warning. Something triggers a memory or a thought, and I'm in the bathroom at work crying.

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 8/12/2014 ROMARY said:

Always remember that we love you. Try to have a daily routine. Perhaps your local malls have a morning mall walkers' group. You can call the mall offices and find out. Community centers and recreation centers offer all types of classes and meet-up groups. Make it a point to do a little something every single day. Sometimes centers have a daily lunch menu where you will meet many friends. Volunteer on the weekends. So many options available now-a-days that weren't available many years ago. We're here with you always.

Thank you, Romary.

I hadn't thought much about how "off" my routine can be at times, and the need to do a little something for myself each day. I guess I'm caught up in the stress of my financial situation right now. They give you FMLA leave to care for a dying parent, but they don't pay you during that time.

Anyway, I hope to catch up by the end of the year...and then I can set my sights more to the future, hopefully.

I hope you are able to get out and enjoy the sunshine!!

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 8/12/2014 kcladyz said:

running away and starting over will not change anything, sometimes it makes it worse.

SAM-e supplements helped a little but they were expensive. I ended up going to the doctor. You can not "will" away depression. I was put on Busar and Amitriptyline and it changed my life. I am sleeping foe the first time in decades and i have not had an episode of depression since I started the meds in january. There is no shame in going to the doctor for help

Thanks for replying, kcladyz.

Right now I'm using the resources I have. I've been traveling this road of depression for many years, and now I'm dealing with grief as well. My dad died a few months ago, and--needless to say--it has only compounded my depression.

I am 36, and I've been dealing with this since I was 7. My thoughts when starting this thread were that I had tried all of the meds that weren't contraindicated for me, had been through therapy, hospitalization, etc. and was still struggling.

At this point, I am kind of stumped about what will bring me relief. I will look into the SAM-e, and I think I should probably read over the replies in this thread again if I can't find the notebook I took notes in while reading replies. (My house is a big mess right now. )

Anyway, thank you again for responding; I always like to hear what's working for others so that I can look into things I haven't tried.

--mistri

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 8/12/2014 Lucky Charm said:

Hey, it's good to see your name around again. I've been thinking about you. It is wonderful that you know you did what you could for your father while he was ill. You cared for him and he knows that. It's very strange, I'm sure to have that permanence of loss.

I still have my parents, but lost two great aunts when I was in my thirties. They were truly GREAT aunts. I wished they were my parents if that makes sense. I feel that loss more now than I did when they passed. They were in their 60's when I was born. So they were elderly to me my whole life. But they were so good to me. They filled voids that my parents didn't seem to think were glaringly there.

It's almost a daily ritual that I speak of them lovingly, longingly. And this post is my daily homage to them. They were that great. I hope and pray that I will see them again. And if they see me right now this minute as I type, then they know how much I still hurt when I think of them. But it's a good hurt.

I *think* some day your pain will lessen, it will still hurt, but it will be a good hurt.

Thanks, Lucky Charm.

If you felt a special bond with your great aunts, you may be experiencing more grief than you will when your parents pass. I think people have a preconceived notion, like, "well, it's just your great aunt; it's not like it was your mom." (I think we're all guilty of such preconceived notions, so I try to forgive people when they say wrong things...even though I want to scream at them sometimes. ) But many people don't have a great relationship with their moms, and a bond they share with someone else may be harder to mourn than whatever bond they have with their mother.

I think I said this before on this board, but I'm sure I agonized more over the death of a few of my beloved pets than I did when each of my grandfathers died. It's not that I didn't care about them, it's just that I felt a bond with these animals who were here every day and loved me unconditionally. My grandfathers were not that accepting, that outwardly loving, nor were they present in my life that much.

Of course, not having a good relationship with someone, and then dealing with their death presents its own set of problems. You wind up wondering if they ever truly loved you, why they did some of the cruel things they did, why they were neglectful, if you could've ever made them proud had they lived longer (and then they would've cared about you more). Grief can be such a complicated thing.

My thought to you is that you should be patient with yourself, and if others act like there is something wrong with your feelings, you should try to remind yourself that they probably don't know what the h*** they are talking about. People do "get tired of hearing about your dead [relative]," but they don't know anything about the loss you suffered. I try not to talk about my dad excessively, because I know it annoys people or makes them uncomfortable. I often keep things to myself unless I'm writing or I'm at a therapist appointment or something. People just don't understand grieving, which makes them uncomfortable, and then they get irritated because they are uncomfortable. That's why I avoid them when I'm feeling down about my dad...they don't "get it."

[Qshopper1991]

Exercise. Period. Plain and simple. Prescription drugs are just a band-aid; and you have to get weaned off of them or else they will cause more issues. I didn't feel like going down that road. I did try a product I purchased online called Amoryn. Worked fantastic; it just took some time to work (about 2 months full effect). It isn't a drug; it's a natural product.

For me, exercise was and still is my Prozac. I suffered from severe depression over 10 years (after I quit smoking). And yes, I wanted to end things. And not get up. And not shower. And not live. It was a huge black hole that I couldn't climb out of. So I sympathize completely.

Oh, and God does help, too, whether you want to hear it or not. And He's not a religion, He's a relationship

[MOONRISER]

Dear Mistri So terribly sorry to read that your dad has passed. I was gone from the boards for quite awhile. I feel your sorrow through your words and wish for your healing to begin soon. You did everything you could for your dad and he was blessed to have you there. Life is such a winding road and so filled with many paths. Time does help, but the memories stay. Though my dad died fourteen years ago, I still remember those last moments like it was just today. I'm sure I time you will think of him with smiles and joy. Our parents have such an impact on our lives, don't they. I will send you my thoughts for comfort and ease of your soul. I a so very sorry. Sending much love, Moon