Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,019
Registered: ‎08-08-2010

Re: Changing your life /after 50

Having been divorced, but much younger, the only advice I would have to offer you is that both parties have to be willing to work on changing the dynamic and that usually means each has to change the way they approach the relationship. If both parties aren't committed to doing the work, and trying to change, then it is futile. If only one person really cares about saving the relationship, it is already a done deal, and over. I personally find it a waste of time if someone has to be dragged into therapy, or begged or pushed into dealing with/confronting the issues. Living with a constant stream of negativity, and someone who will not get help (for addictions, mental health help, physical health help etc.) can put stress on your own health as well.

I hope you find what you need as you go through this journey. As with any choice in life, there are things that will be better, and things that will be harder in each choice.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,570
Registered: ‎09-13-2012

Re: Changing your life /after 50

Beaches: Can you tell us what is good about your husband, what he does do for you, and what you will miss if he is gone?

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,749
Registered: ‎11-21-2011

Re: Changing your life /after 50

My DH was a sweet caring man up until now, as he has aged he has become very negative about everything. I am not sure if he has an illness because he refuses to go to a doctor. He constantly complains about everything. This has been going on for quite awhile now, doesn't want to vacation or anything although he talks a good story excuses start. I on the other hand want to travel and enjoy life. We did get away a few months ago but it was upon my insistence, instead of it being relaxing and fun, it was very stressful. He doesn't want to enjoy the good things in life he would rather complain. Yet, he spends money on foolish things. He always changes the subject to me when I say something. I don't go out much and when I do it's for a few hours. I've been home for a few years now and had to adjust to that but I feel like. I'm being taken advantage of now. The harder I work the more work I have. Somedays I work like a dog and then pay the price for it as my body breaks down. If I clean one area they are messing up another area of the house. We are all grown ups here and no one but me cleans up after themselves. It's ridiculous.
Regular Contributor
Posts: 215
Registered: ‎10-18-2010

Re: Changing your life /after 50

All I can say is life is very, very short-concentrate on making yourself happy!

Honored Contributor
Posts: 25,929
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Changing your life /after 50

It sounds like there are more than just you and your husband living there.

I also wonder if menopause isn't making you feel as you do.or at least partially - exaggerating the bad. Menopause has a way of doing that.

I would recommend a counselor - if he won't go with you - go alone.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,676
Registered: ‎03-14-2010

Re: Changing your life /after 50

You talk about "they". It sounds like you have more problems than just your husband. What will you do if you file for divorce. Will you move and let "them" have the house. If not, you will still have more people to deal with and it sounds like "they" are not cooperating either.

I don't have any solutions for you, but I wish you the best.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 28,666
Registered: ‎05-10-2010

Re: Changing your life /after 50

Poverty sounds good until you are actually living it. Trust me, if you dump your husband and have to live like a pauper for the next 35 years, you will not be happy and you will not be at peace. It sounds like you should first a few sessions with a therapis to sort things through and focus on your real concerns and then you should go into couples counselling with your husband. You don't just walk away from a marriage, especially when you are financially dependant on your husband. I understand that you are unhappy and it is possible that you have grown apart and don't want the same things anymore. You just aren't in sync anymore. Divorce my be the final solution. But not now. You are unhappy but so is he. You have your complaints, I'm sure he has his complaints too. No marriage is perfect. Take it one step at a time.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,050
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Changing your life /after 50

Normally, I would agree with the therapy route, and I still do.

Normally, I would be anti-divorce, but I'm hearing a distinct unhappiness, distance and depressing outlook from your opening post.

First, if you are having health issues and no one in the house seems to care about that alone, I'd want to get out.

If you are having health issues and no one in the house seems to care and just go about their messy ways, I'd want to leave.

If I was having health issues and trying to tell the man I married that I'm struggling day to day and he ignored me, I'd want to leave him.

My husband could be the sweetest man, bring me flowers, gifts, tell me I deserve nice vacations or getaways, tend to my needs when I'm sick.

But if he isn't taking his own health seriously and trying to live and lead a healthy lifestyle, then it takes away all the other good things he does.

That to me speaks volumes about how happy he is with our life together, how much he loves and enjoys our children and grandchildren. How happy he is with his life.....

Immediately, I mean as soon as you can.....Talk to your husband first, don't blindside him in front of anyone else. Tell him exactly what you've said here. How unhappy you are, tired of cleaning up after everyone, his bad attitude towards you and his own outlook on life with the negativity.

Then I'd sit everyone down tell them exactly what you have said here. Let them ALL know how unhappy you are and that it's gonna change, whether they do or not. Tell each and every one what it is that is bothering you. Get it out in the open.

Either they are willing to work with you or continue on as they are. But they should continue on with out you. I'd leave. There's a whole life ahead of you, live it!

Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,570
Registered: ‎06-13-2012

Re: Changing your life /after 50

Beaches, I just noticed you said "they" as well- are there other people living with you? Is it only your husband that isn't cleaning up after himself or are there others living there not helping out?

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,357
Registered: ‎03-23-2010

Re: Changing your life /after 50

You will know when it's time and when you will at first feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders.

Just be smart and get your ducks in a row by seeking legal counsel.

I did it after only 9 1/2 years of marriage and when I told him, he swore he NEVER saw it coming. What a crock. The man was a pathological liar who nearly put us in bankruptcy. It was the best move I ever made and that was 21 years ago. I am blissfully re-married without a financial care in the world.

Good luck to you.