Wellness

[ANewHue]

On 9/29/2014 gazelle77 said: I was reading your post again Beaches21... You husband sounds line 99% of men out there! Problem you are going to have is.....IF you decide divorce is your ticket to a better life, Finding a better man is not going to be a piece of cake. You might find a man who fits the criteria you want....but he can not hold a job, or he drinks too much, or bla bla bla. Most men will not go to the doctor....most men are not good at helping around the house... Does your hubby come home to YoU every night? Would he be there for you if you had to have surgery, nurse you, help you? You said he works, that is a plus. Have you ever asked him if he was happy with you? Is he happy? If you do not know those questions, the both of you need to TALK. Either alone, or together with a councilor. Sounds like you maybe do not communicate your needs and wants very well. It can be hard to open up after years of not talking feelings. But it can make a huge difference. Hope this helps

I wouldn't go the divorce route to be in another relationship. For over a decade now my husband has made bad life choices, doesn't listen and when things blow up he walks away and expects me to fix them which I have pretty much always done because. I had no choice. This recent thing is all his fault, it's after the fact and here I am trying to put things right. He admits it was his fault but that's it. I'm the one paying the price. I don't need to be spending time cleaning up a mess that should have never occurred. I had this when his mother died. I know life isn't perfect and neither am I, I'm just sick of having stress I shouldn't because he wants to be an idiot. I know where. I want to be and go in the next five years he could care less. He has a very bad outlook on life.

[gazelle77]

On 9/29/2014 beaches21 said:

On 9/29/2014 gazelle77 said: I was reading your post again Beaches21... You husband sounds line 99% of men out there! Problem you are going to have is.....IF you decide divorce is your ticket to a better life, Finding a better man is not going to be a piece of cake. You might find a man who fits the criteria you want....but he can not hold a job, or he drinks too much, or bla bla bla. Most men will not go to the doctor....most men are not good at helping around the house... Does your hubby come home to YoU every night? Would he be there for you if you had to have surgery, nurse you, help you? You said he works, that is a plus. Have you ever asked him if he was happy with you? Is he happy? If you do not know those questions, the both of you need to TALK. Either alone, or together with a councilor. Sounds like you maybe do not communicate your needs and wants very well. It can be hard to open up after years of not talking feelings. But it can make a huge difference. Hope this helps

I wouldn't go the divorce route to be in another relationship. For over a decade now my husband has made bad life choices, doesn't listen and when things blow up he walks away and expects me to fix them which I have pretty much always done because. I had no choice. This recent thing is all his fault, it's after the fact and here I am trying to put things right. He admits it was his fault but that's it. I'm the one paying the price. I don't need to be spending time cleaning up a mess that should have never occurred. I had this when his mother died. I know life isn't perfect and neither am I, I'm just sick of having stress I shouldn't because he wants to be an idiot. I know where. I want to be and go in the next five years he could care less. He has a very bad outlook on life.

Can I ask this? Do you two ever just talk? About your relationship? Just curious. I see where you are unhappy....but, I sense that he is also unhappy as well.

[terrier3]

I am a p/t family counselor. Most of the clients I see are actually mediating their divorce - the stresses that come with reduced income, relocation, being on your own are considerable.

I strongly suggest you see a counselor by yourself. You sound frustrated...but believe me, you will add considerable stress to your life if you divorce and become financially unstable after age 50 (on top of being in poor health). It won't be a bed of roses.

The only happiness you'll find is happiness within yourself. Maybe talking things out with an objective person will help you put everything into perspective and give you a guideline for how to proceed...

Good luck!

[Ms X]

So much wisdom for you on this thread, Beaches! You are lucky!

[terrier3]

On 9/28/2014 beaches21 said: Colonel meow and. Happydaze- thanks girls. I just feel like I'm Constantly being pulled down by the immediate family. I have issues with my elderly mother causing trouble and my DH. He's a great guy but he has this real negative view on life. Like a depression sort of . With my own health challenges it just pulls me down. I fight everyday to make my quality of life better and his,outlook really annoys me. He has been very healthy and he takes advantage of it. He's a bad patient. He talks about this or that but never does any of it just talks about it. I actually been snapping at him all week because frankly I'm sick of hearing it. He is great at making excuses, instead of just doing it and getting it done he'll sit and take the time to make excuses. He had something to do in the yard and he went on for months with excuses, finally I snapped, well he did the job within a half hour, so what's the problem? I'm really on the brink, it's like me or him and of course I'm choosing me.

Do you REALLY want to impoverish yourself at a time your health is poor and you are feeling vulnerable - over some yard work that wasn't done on your timetable?

You are stressed, he is stressed... but - you also said "he's a great guy."

That is why I suggest SOLO counseling sessions for you...you already have a lot on your plate - a divorce might just ADD to the stress.

[goodstuff]

On 9/29/2014 terrier3 said:

I am a p/t family counselor. Most of the clients I see are actually mediating their divorce - the stresses that come with reduced income, relocation, being on your own are considerable.

I strongly suggest you see a counselor by yourself. You sound frustrated...but believe me, you will add considerable stress to your life if you divorce and become financially unstable after age 50 (on top of being in poor health). It won't be a bed of roses.

The only happiness you'll find is happiness within yourself. Maybe talking things out with an objective person will help you put everything into perspective and give you a guideline for how to proceed...

Good luck!

This is beautiful advice, and I couldn't have said it better. I'm sure there are stresses, challenges, and imperfections in your current situation, but there are probably things you can do on your own to improve your lot! Trying to start over on your own late in life while dealing with health problems and disabilities would be a huge challenge. Working with a counselor may help you focus on some positive things you can do to change your own attitude and solve some of your own problems........and your husband and family may respond better if you approach them as a person with self-respect and positive expectations rather as a helpless doormat and a resentful victim. Frankly, the frustrated, defeated, blaming attitude I read in your post probably hasn't made you a delight to live with, either! Essentially, it sounds like you're frustrated because you can't do everything yourself -- and demanding that your husband and family do things your way and in your time frame. That would get old in a hurry, don't you think? Get some help and see what you and your husband can do to turn this around!

[bluejeansluvr]

On 9/29/2014 terrier3 said:

On 9/28/2014 beaches21 said: Colonel meow and. Happydaze- thanks girls. I just feel like I'm Constantly being pulled down by the immediate family. I have issues with my elderly mother causing trouble and my DH. He's a great guy but he has this real negative view on life. Like a depression sort of . With my own health challenges it just pulls me down. I fight everyday to make my quality of life better and his,outlook really annoys me. He has been very healthy and he takes advantage of it. He's a bad patient. He talks about this or that but never does any of it just talks about it. I actually been snapping at him all week because frankly I'm sick of hearing it. He is great at making excuses, instead of just doing it and getting it done he'll sit and take the time to make excuses. He had something to do in the yard and he went on for months with excuses, finally I snapped, well he did the job within a half hour, so what's the problem? I'm really on the brink, it's like me or him and of course I'm choosing me.

Do you REALLY want to impoverish yourself at a time your health is poor and you are feeling vulnerable - over some yard work that wasn't done on your timetable?

You are stressed, he is stressed... but - you also said "he's a great guy."

That is why I suggest SOLO counseling sessions for you...you already have a lot on your plate - a divorce might just ADD to the stress.

Really good advice.

Everyone has to make their own decisions however it's good to remember the grass isn't always greener.

IMO unless he's abusive, has substance abuse problems, is a philanderer.....pretty much everything can be worked out especially if he's a decent man.

It sounds as if HE is depressed and going through man-o-pause and needs solo counseling for himself.

Good luck Beaches21, you have a lot of ladies here giving great advice and concerned about you. Please come back and let us know how you're doing.

[ANewHue]

On 9/29/2014 terrier3 said:

On 9/28/2014 beaches21 said: Colonel meow and. Happydaze- thanks girls. I just feel like I'm Constantly being pulled down by the immediate family. I have issues with my elderly mother causing trouble and my DH. He's a great guy but he has this real negative view on life. Like a depression sort of . With my own health challenges it just pulls me down. I fight everyday to make my quality of life better and his,outlook really annoys me. He has been very healthy and he takes advantage of it. He's a bad patient. He talks about this or that but never does any of it just talks about it. I actually been snapping at him all week because frankly I'm sick of hearing it. He is great at making excuses, instead of just doing it and getting it done he'll sit and take the time to make excuses. He had something to do in the yard and he went on for months with excuses, finally I snapped, well he did the job within a half hour, so what's the problem? I'm really on the brink, it's like me or him and of course I'm choosing me.

Do you REALLY want to impoverish yourself at a time your health is poor and you are feeling vulnerable - over some yard work that wasn't done on your timetable?

You are stressed, he is stressed... but - you also said "he's a great guy."

That is why I suggest SOLO counseling sessions for you...you already have a lot on your plate - a divorce might just ADD to the stress.

This is NOT about yard work being done on my timetable. This is about him maybe suffering from an illness and not going to a doctor. He is having another major midlife crisis and he's too old to be having another one. I lived through many. He's not happy with decisions he has made and says all the time he wished he listened long ago because our lives would be so different now. But get over it and move on. Terrier3- thanks for your professional advice. I am very drained and I feel like I'm having the life sucked out of me. Gazelle, we always talk and that's all we do. He says he's going to make things better but it never materializes and it's been a longtime. He spends all his time making excuses why he (we) shouldn't do something and it's nonsense. It's pathetic. When I clean up one issue he starts another. Thanks for everyone's advice, I feel beat up and asking myself what the heck I'm doing here,

[ANewHue]

On 9/29/2014 imaclotheshog said:

On 9/29/2014 terrier3 said:

On 9/28/2014 beaches21 said: Colonel meow and. Happydaze- thanks girls. I just feel like I'm Constantly being pulled down by the immediate family. I have issues with my elderly mother causing trouble and my DH. He's a great guy but he has this real negative view on life. Like a depression sort of . With my own health challenges it just pulls me down. I fight everyday to make my quality of life better and his,outlook really annoys me. He has been very healthy and he takes advantage of it. He's a bad patient. He talks about this or that but never does any of it just talks about it. I actually been snapping at him all week because frankly I'm sick of hearing it. He is great at making excuses, instead of just doing it and getting it done he'll sit and take the time to make excuses. He had something to do in the yard and he went on for months with excuses, finally I snapped, well he did the job within a half hour, so what's the problem? I'm really on the brink, it's like me or him and of course I'm choosing me.

Do you REALLY want to impoverish yourself at a time your health is poor and you are feeling vulnerable - over some yard work that wasn't done on your timetable?

You are stressed, he is stressed... but - you also said "he's a great guy."

That is why I suggest SOLO counseling sessions for you...you already have a lot on your plate - a divorce might just ADD to the stress.

Really good advice.

Everyone has to make their own decisions however it's good to remember the grass isn't always greener.

IMO unless he's abusive, has substance abuse problems, is a philanderer.....pretty much everything can be worked out especially if he's a decent man.

It sounds as if HE is depressed and going through man-o-pause and needs solo counseling for himself.

Good luck Beaches21, you have a lot of ladies here giving great advice and concerned about you. Please come back and let us know how you're doing.

You hit the nail on the head, he is going through me no pause....again. I break my butt to make a nice home and he doesn't care about anything. I don't go out, drink, do drugs or run up bills and everything I do I do for the family. Lately, he is getting very picky with everything I do, anything, if I ask him if he likes a color so I can paint he bites my head off (just had a big fight about this). It's okay when he spends $$$ on useless stuff, I have never made a major purchase without his knowledge. He's getting SO picky , cranky and crochety, like an old man, he's not 80 and he ain't making me feel old.

[pistolino]

Before taking action on a divorce, please see an attorney to understand what you are and are not entitled to legally and then you'll know better where you stand better financially - with or without him.

Just look at it from every possible angle before pulling the trigger because you don't want to be in a position that's worse off later.