Re: "How do I handle being alone since passing of ... - Page 3

geezerette · ‎03-16-2010

@Miss Pepsi wrote:
First and foremost I am sorry for your loss.

I asked a friend of mine that very question this morning. I lost my husband quiete suddenly last September after 40 years of marriage. We were 16 days shy of retirement.

I am not handling being alone very well, I will tell you that. I do have good friends that call, email, and or text every day. Facebook has been my salvation. I know some would doubt that but I have select groups I belong too and I don't get involved in politics or anything.

I cry every day, sometimes ALL day. People tell me I am strong. I am not, I don't honestly know how people get through this.

I do go for a walk every day. Not far and not fast but I do get outside and walk.

My eyes hurt, my nose hurts and my face hurts from crying and I often wonder if it will ever end.

I find it bizarre what triggers me into being a mess. I hate going to bed alone, I hate waking up alone.

a coworker of my daughters in lieu of flowers paid for the adoption of a kitty. She knew I wanted one. She was good with that as long as I got one from a rescue. I picked what I think is perfect kitty and I love her and at least there is life in the house. She is a snuggler which is nice. I talk to her all the time about my husband.

I have some people that say I should be "Over it" by now. I don't contact them much any more because as you know, unless you have lived this nightmare you don;t totally understand.

I wish I had answers for you, I wish you peace, and I just wanted you to know, you are not alone.

@Miss Pepsi

I can relate. My life and emotions sound much like yours.

My motto has been Fake It Until You Make It. I figure if I put on a happy facade maybe some of it will sink into my soul. So far it hasn't worked. But I know that after three years my friends and family don't want to see a depressed whiney woman all the time. Since I have so few of both, I need to keep the ones that are still around.

Funny you mention getting a cat. About three months after my husband passed, a scrawny pest-ridden kitten showed up one day. He was starved, very friendly and my friend told me I needed to keep him. She thought my deceased husband had sent him to keep me company. I told her she was nuts--that was the last thing my husband would have sent me. Besides, I already had a big dog and another cat that didn't like cats.

But I did end up keeping him. And I'm so glad now. My other cat unexpectedly had to be euthanized about six months ago and this little guy is so much company. It can sometimes be challenging to manage him and the dog, and he is a lot of work, but he's such a little cuddler.

I wish you peace. Someday, I'm hopeful it will come. 💔🙏❤️🕊

jlrbr · ‎11-18-2012

My deepest sympathy to all of you. I lost my husband in 2009, he was 51, my best friend, for 18 years. That being said, it does get easier. The pain has a way of finding its own little place, it will never be completely gone, but it won't consume you, in time. We each grieve differently. Never let anyone tell you there's a time to be better. It's an individual process. I went to grief counseling, too soon however, I didn't know there was a "too soon", apparently there is. I gave it a few months and went back. It helped immensely. I realized I wasn't the only one in that situation. And developed some great friendships. My husband died in the fall, so I then had the holidays to contend with. The first of everything is admittedly, the worse.
Get out of the house. Make yourself. Walk the mall. Volunteer. Take a class in painting, or pottery, something you like. Take a shower, I seemed to have neglected that until my good neighbor said she would throw me in the shower if I didn't voluntarily take one. Just don't neglect yourself. Get a pet, so many need you, as much as you need them. Make certain you have a small file box, or specific drawer. There's paperwork, that for awhile seemed overwhelming, but keeping it organized will help. I had a few great neighbors that were my support. There were times I didn't want to get out of bed, but thankfully they didn't give up on me.
Seriously, it will get better. Please volunteer, ask the hospital if they need help. But take care of you, eat healthy, get checkups.

LindaSal · ‎05-15-2014

I am so sad reading this thread. I am so very sorry for all of your losses. Such kind people on here , they have so many helpful ideas and they all have their own story. I have not experienced this overwhelming loss (thankfully) but I do remember well when my mom suddenly became a widow at age 47. I remember her sadness and how difficult it was for her. Of course because she was young and still working she was able to keep herself quite busy. I'm amazed at how she carried on for us, her children. I cannot even imagine the heartbreak.

gabstoomuch · ‎03-16-2010

I want to acknowledge all the posts here from people who are in different stages of grief, and send my condolences to you all. I am so very sorry for you all.

Grief is something that is different for every person. Yet grief is something to work through and not get stuck there. People do different things to get through it, but I do think grief support groups are very helpful. You are with people who truly "get it", they understand the devastation, and you get to speak out loud all the sadness and lonliness you are holding inside.

Grief support groups can also be helpful to find new friends. Friends who are as alone as you are. Finding new friends that were not part of you as a "couple" is so important. You still have a life to live and enjoy. Maybe not yet, but you will find yourself in time. Having new friends is part of creating a new life.

If there is a hospice near you, they run grief groups all the time. Also, hospitals have grief support groups.

Sharing your pain with others that are grieving is comforting because they can truly relate, vs trying to talk to someone not grieving who nods their head but cannot really relate.

Grief groups also get you out of the house, they break the isolation, and slowly helps you heal. Covid has made it very hard to get to support groups but now that things are opening up I expect many more groups to form because the loss from Covid is staggering in this country. Every one of those losses left behind loved ones who need to find a place to be angry, to cry, or even be of comfort to someone else who is grieving.

You won't move on and find a new life until you get through the grief, and the time it takes is dfferent for everyone. Grieving with others takes some of the isolation away, and that is very helpful.

Junebug54 · ‎03-09-2010

So very, very sorry for your loss. Everyone gave you wonderful advice. I too lost my husband many years ago from leukemia. I was in my early 50's with 3 teens in college. My advice to others has always been take time to grieve and in any way it helps you. I use to listen to music that made me cry but crying is good. I tried to keep a daily routine. Forced myself to get out of bed everyday, shower and try to look my best. In my case the first year I was numb but kept busy with all the paperwork involved in a death etc. The second year for me was the hardest because now you realize this is your new "normal". I don't think I read how long it's been for you. Wishing you the very best and hugs to you. It may not seem like it now but I promise you it will get better.

IamMrsG · ‎08-29-2010

@Junebug54 said, in part, " The second year for me was the hardest..."

A grief counselor told me the second or even third years can be the hardest. This is usually due to others believing (and advising) you "should be over it," when clearly you are not.

Strive for respect instead of attention. It lasts longer.

lynnie61 · ‎04-28-2010

My heart is breaking reading your stories. My heartfelt condolences to each of you. Grief IS different for everyone, and everyone’s time can be different. There is not a time you should be “over it”.

This thread just reminds me of how many wonderful ladies are here and are supportive. Many great suggestions here. Try to get up, and out a bit. I’m so sorry for each of your losses. Hugs!

No one can take away your years of wonderful memories. Try to think of one good memory a day. It may make you smile, even if it is for a few short moments.

gidgetgh · ‎03-09-2010

@IamMrsG wrote:
@Junebug54 said, in part, " The second year for me was the hardest..."

A grief counselor told me the second or even third years can be the hardest. This is usually due to others believing (and advising) you "should be over it," when clearly you are not.

@IamMrsG -I'm 9 months in so I haven't even hit the 1 year mark yet. If years 2 and 3 are harder than this, well, I literally can't imagine worse than this. It's brutal. Every. Single. Day.

Why is it, when I have a 50/50 guess at something, I'm always 100% wrong?

lynnie61 · ‎04-28-2010

@Miss Pepsi I’m so sorry. I remember you lost your husband last year, but I didn’t realize you were 16 days till retirement. Oh my. I’m glad you are enjoying your new kitty.

I have a few years to retirement, and my sister says quit wishing your life away, trying to get there. I know it’s hard but the crying can make us so exhausted sometimes. But we all need to cry and grieve, so I understand, even though I have not lost a spouse. Please take care. I’ll be thinking of you. Hugs.

Snoopp · ‎02-02-2015

You are not alone. There are many others who know your suffering. I think grief is forever but the pain fades they say. There is no timeline for mourning. Some people journal and when they take a look back, they can see how much progress they really have made. It’s ok to cry, even all day. There are hormones in grief tears that aren’t in other types of tears. They are healing. This was actually studied. Support groups- zoom groups are out there and I think these groups are really helpful. It helps to know you are not alone. Read, listen to music when you are ready, dance and laugh even if you still cry all day. Try to break out of isolation, especially with Covid. Mourning is hard and exhausting work. Take care of yourself. Don’t expect too much from yourself, do things in your own time. Be gentle with yourself. I hope you will find peace.