Mom to Mom

[Classique]

On 5/23/2014 mineralgirl1 said:

VaBelle, I don't get it either, why my husband feels strongly abut this. I think you are right, men simply don't get weddings like woman do. He needs to back up his daughter here.

Classique, niece absolutely is using this as an excuse to visit granny.As I pointed out to granny, she doesn't need my daughters wedding as a reason to visit, she can plan another visit if seeing her grandmother is so important to her. IMO it is all about her showing off her precious kids. The wedding will be a long event. At this resort, they let you have the room all day, so the event will go into the evening from 2 pm. What in the world are those two kids going to be like through all that time? Why would anyone subject their kids and everyone else to that?

Yes, she just wants to show off those kids. She would not be able to do very much bonding or visiting with grannie with the wedding excitement as she would at another time.

Has grannie ever seen those kids? When was the last time she saw the granddaughter? I'll bet there is a good chance they're not even that close. OTOH, maybe the niece and her grandmother are particularly close and that is why her grmo is taking her side.

I agree with the others who ask why your husband is letting this happen and can understand why your daughter feels he is favoring the niece over her.

Again, keep all discussion of the wedding close to the vest and between your husband, daughter, son-in-law and only those who need to know and tell them to keep quiet as well.

I hate to say this niece sounds like she was horribly spoiled by her parents and your mil and is a selfish woman who feels everything will be her way and that she will badger and manipulate, throw tantrems, make threats and cause endless trouble if she doesn't get her way. She is the one in the wrong so you need to stand your ground. This is still shocking to me that she presumed she'd be invited.

When she heard about the engagement, she should have simply extended her congratulations and then kept quiet and waited to see if she would get an invitation and who it included, ie. her husband (if she has one). Everyone else should have done the same. It sounds like someone got carried away with discussing the wedding plans prematurely with the wrong people. Or, when your daughter was announcing her engagement, these rude people ASKED rude questions, assuming they would be invited and then asking about children.

[bklynite]

i did not want kids at our wedding last year other than our two nieces & two nephews who were the ring bearers and flower girls, but my husband felt there were just certain close family members that he could not invite "and family." my husband insisted that he would invite them but there was no way they would actually bring their kids. well guess what, they did! that was our fault because we invited them. but there were others whose children were not invited who responded they were bringing their children. how do you tell them not to bring their kids? so we had loads of kids at our saturday evening hotel ballroom wedding because we bit our tongues. it was the happiest day of my life, but nonetheless there was definitely that feeling of being irked at the intrusion by the kids all over the dance floor. we had 200 people and we noticed the kids but your daughter with so many fewer guests will notice the kids way more and i think it will change the dynamics of the intimate wedding she desires.

[stevieb]

On 5/22/2014 NYC Susan said:

On 5/22/2014 mineralgirl1 said: I don't think the cost of thr trip has anything to do with it. Niece and her husband have excellent jobs and dad and mom are retired with excellent pensions. My daughter reminded me that the two boys are actually 1 and 2 but will be 2 and 3 when the wedding happens in october.

Well, the ages make it even more ridiculous for them to be there. This sounds like someone pouting and throwing her weight around more than anything else.

And, IMO, there's absolutely no reason for you to pay the costs of another trip for them, whether or not they can afford it. This is about an invitation to a wedding, and it's up to them if they want to accept or not. Exactly the same as any invitation, whether or not the people invited agree with the kind of celebration that's planned. It's not up to them. It's not their event. They can do whatever they want when they plan something, and then everyone will have to go along with that! A good guest politely accepts or politely declines. Making a fuss like this is childish and selfish.

I see no reason at all to enable rude behavior, and it's not your responsibility to spend money to appease her so that she & whoever else can see each other. They are being invited to a wedding, period. They can accept or not. Throwing her angst and demands on anyone else is completely out of line. Your attention should be on the bride & groom and the joyous occasion. Don't let her derail that just because she wants what she wants!

(Just wanted to add that I don't think the nice gesture re paying for another visit would satisfy this woman anyway unless she also can bring her kids to the wedding. That's what she wants, and she seems determined to get it.)

I agree. There is absolutely no reason to compromise on this and certainly no reason to foot the bill for a special trip! This is a power struggle pure and simple and the notion of family harmony is not the issue for a variety of reasons. First, all families have squabbles from time to time. They're unavoidable, given the mix of personalities. I'd also add that preservation of family harmony might have also been a consideration for those seeking to have the daughter and her fiancee change THEIR plans for THEIR wedding... Utterly ridiculous. Finally, giving in to those seeking a change in plans will NOT ensure family harmony, because once they've got their way on this, then there will be something else about which they potentially get their collective noses out of joint. Unless a perpetual state of permitting them to call all the shots is what is desired, giving in now would be a huge mistake... Not nice of me to say, I know, but the bride's father needs to find his backbone and stand up for his daughter's right to determine the kind of wedding SHE and her fiancee want!

[Karie2022]

Wow , niece is incredibly rude! No kids means no kids, I have two children and would never dream of taking them to a wedding even if they were invited! They wouldn't want to go anyway...I say let the niece be mad two less people they have to feed...

[KathyPet]

It sounds like thgis is going to be a small wedding if your daughter is saying 40 people so the problem can be solved by limiting the guest list. Your husband's brothers and sister's and their spouses and your brother and sister's and their spouses's . None of your or your husband's nieces or nephews. Problem solved. Niece is told the wedding is going to be kept very small and no first cousins of the bride and groom are being invitied.

[NYC Susan]

On 5/23/2014 stevieb said:

On 5/22/2014 NYC Susan said:

On 5/22/2014 mineralgirl1 said: I don't think the cost of thr trip has anything to do with it. Niece and her husband have excellent jobs and dad and mom are retired with excellent pensions. My daughter reminded me that the two boys are actually 1 and 2 but will be 2 and 3 when the wedding happens in october.

Well, the ages make it even more ridiculous for them to be there. This sounds like someone pouting and throwing her weight around more than anything else.

And, IMO, there's absolutely no reason for you to pay the costs of another trip for them, whether or not they can afford it. This is about an invitation to a wedding, and it's up to them if they want to accept or not. Exactly the same as any invitation, whether or not the people invited agree with the kind of celebration that's planned. It's not up to them. It's not their event. They can do whatever they want when they plan something, and then everyone will have to go along with that! A good guest politely accepts or politely declines. Making a fuss like this is childish and selfish.

I see no reason at all to enable rude behavior, and it's not your responsibility to spend money to appease her so that she & whoever else can see each other. They are being invited to a wedding, period. They can accept or not. Throwing her angst and demands on anyone else is completely out of line. Your attention should be on the bride & groom and the joyous occasion. Don't let her derail that just because she wants what she wants!

(Just wanted to add that I don't think the nice gesture re paying for another visit would satisfy this woman anyway unless she also can bring her kids to the wedding. That's what she wants, and she seems determined to get it.)

I agree. There is absolutely no reason to compromise on this and certainly no reason to foot the bill for a special trip! This is a power struggle pure and simple and the notion of family harmony is not the issue for a variety of reasons. First, all families have squabbles from time to time. They're unavoidable, given the mix of personalities. I'd also add that preservation of family harmony might have also been a consideration for those seeking to have the daughter and her fiancee change THEIR plans for THEIR wedding... Utterly ridiculous. Finally, giving in to those seeking a change in plans will NOT ensure family harmony, because once they've got their way on this, then there will be something else about which they potentially get their collective noses out of joint. Unless a perpetual state of permitting them to call all the shots is what is desired, giving in now would be a huge mistake... Not nice of me to say, I know, but the bride's father needs to find his backbone and stand up for his daughter's right to determine the kind of wedding SHE and her fiancee want!

You agreed with me, and now I'm agreeing with you! You made some really good additional points.

Yes, it is a power struggle. And yes, I agree that attempts at family harmony should be made by everyone, including the ones being invited to the wedding. I've been to plenty of weddings that were not done exactly the way I would have liked and caused some inconvenience for me, but never in my wildest dreams would I have caused the bride & groom any additional stress at what's almost always a stressful time. Apparently she's only concerned about family harmony if it means getting what she wants, and isn't at all interested in harmony if she's the one who has to make the sacrifice.

This definitely seems like a case of "give them an inch, they'll take a mile". It sets a really bad precedent to put her wishes above those of the couple getting married. What's next? She'll want her children to be ring-bearers or whatever? There's no reason to give in, and plenty of reasons to set some boundaries and stick to them. Otherwise, the rest of you are doomed to be pushovers from now on.

It shouldn't be open for discussion. It's an invitation that can be accepted or declined. It's up to her whether she wants to come without the kids or stay home with them. Really not a big deal, and a decision that people make every single day without all this drama.

[NYC Susan]

On 5/23/2014 KathyPet said: It sounds like thgis is going to be a small wedding if your daughter is saying 40 people so the problem can be solved by limiting the guest list. Your husband's brothers and sister's and their spouses and your brother and sister's and their spouses's . None of your or your husband's nieces or nephews. Problem solved. Niece is told the wedding is going to be kept very small and no first cousins of the bride and groom are being invitied.

Why should they leave out other people they may want to include? They've already said it's going to be a small wedding. They can invite whoever they want. And they can include or exclude children - That's completely their choice.

I don't think every niece and nephew have to be excluded just because one person is being pushy.

[NanaS]

Leave the children at home with a good sitter. They will be more comfortable and so will the wedding guests.

There is nothing worse than trying to dance out on the dance floor and having to be careful not to step on kids acting up and laying all over the floor. Yes, I did experience this at a nephews wedding at which about 6 little ones were on the dance floor constantly. Not a place for little ones. I LOVE kids, don't get me wrong....but not at a wedding.

[Puppy Lips]

This is a timely topic for me. Our son is getting married at the end of June. They stated ""no children"" on the invitation (not sure what the exact wording was.) I have a niece (his cousin) who has 5 bratty children. Betting dollars to donuts she will bring them anyway. My husband has already stated that he will ask them to leave. Hope she does not show up at all. She is the worst kind of mother ~ takes her kids everywhere and expects everyone else to watch them and pick up after them.

[beach ladydrb]

When my other daughter got married, a few children wre invited, they didn't feel strongly about it and my SIL has a big family. A couple of other people showed up with kids also. So there is always a chance that someone will just do whatever they want anyway.