Mom to Mom

[beach ladydrb]

My daughter and her boyfriend told us last week that they are engaged and want to be married this fall. They have already started planning, booked the venue, DJ, and are handling it themselves. As we did for our oldest, we would like to pay for most of the costs. They want asmall wedding, only 40 people at most. My husbands niece asked if she couldbring her two sons ages 2 and 4. They really do not want children at the wedding and feel very strongly about it. Well, my husband's brother called up my mother in law and complained, basically asking if she could convince them to change their minds. She was upset, why don't they let them come? She asked me to talk to them. I did but they are firm about it. I respect their decision but now it has caused problems. My husband can't understand why they don't let them come in the interest of family harmony and now my daughter feels he is chosing them over her. I feel like I am stuck in the middle. Any advics? Has anyone else had this issue come up?

[chessylady]

Since they are having a small wedding, I believe that your husband's niece is wrong to want to include small children who won't even remember the wedding. She can get a sitter for the night and enjoy the wedding.

[debcakes]

My daughter had no children at her wedding either, with the exception being the groom's cousin's little daughters. They were also the little flower girls. They were at the dinner and danced the first dance or so in their father's arms. They were very well behaved and after their dance were taken to the hotel room where the mom had brought a babysitter. My daughter also adores these little girls and wanted them there.

Maybe you could say that they could come to the ceremony and not the dinner or reception.

[Ceci]

Ring bearer, flower girl? If you are paying, you make the decision. JMO

[PurpleBunny]

I think the people pushing for the children are being rude and if I were you, someone going to MIL would really p me off. If they say "yes" to these children, others will be offended that THEIR children weren't included. If they don't want children at the wedding, make that decree and stick to it.

[Madame Lorrraine]

The best advice I can give you is to STAY OUT OF IT. It's too bad your relatives are trying to involve you in this and you probably should have refused to get involved. But it's done, they said no, and you should refuse to get involved in this any more.

Weddings; they can make people crazy...My son got married last year; they decided to make their own plans and paid for most of it themselves. And I was delighted not to have been enmeshed in the preparations.

[autumnnj]

We didn't invite children to our wedding, one of my cousins didn't come because of it. The couple shouldn't be forced to change their plans.

[Ceci]

On 5/21/2014 PurpleBunny said: I think the people pushing for the children are being rude and if I were you, someone going to MIL would really p me off. If they say "yes" to thise children, others will be offended that THEIR children weren't included. If they don't want children at the wedding, make that decree and stick to it.

Not if they were in the wedding party. They wouldn't be guests, they would be participants. There's a difference.

[shoekitty]

I am so sorry you have to go through this. This subject comes up about twice a year on these boards. It is a really debated subject. My feeling is, unless they are close blood relatives I wouldn't even concider it. Myself, I would not bring them. A few reasons. First, they have asked this be the case, and it is the bride and grooms day. Next, IMO kids that small have no place at wedding unless they are IN the wedding. Kids are miserable at a wedding, and many times spoil the time for others. The parents never watch them, and the kids go wild. They cry and scream in church. Even if kids are perfect (like my grandkids, lol) I can guarantee, throw them in a wedding environment and they will act up. Next kids cost as much as adults at a wedding. My one daughter allowed the kids of her bridesmaid, and a few other family members to come to her wedding. Boy, were we all sorry. To this day people talk about this one 5 year old that ran amok, under tables and such and even ripped the dress of a guest (accident of course), but no one watched her all the time.The parents were socializing, and drinking. Of course the parents thought she was soooooooo cute. People were really angry. It was awful. She peeked under dresses, clawed with food at peoples ankles under the table. She scared one lady so bad, I thought she would have a heart attack. 14 years later we still talk about her!

The best way sometimes is to divide the cost up, pay as you usually would, but put your money into the clothes, church part. If they are taking care of their share make sure it is the reception part, then you can blame them.

Last, I know people will get mad. If they are really mad about it, so be it. Your daughter should really call the Uncle herself and explain. JMHO

It is very common these days to not allow children. It opens the door to so many other problems. But every person thinks that just their kids should be allowed as an exception. I guess sticking by their guns, is the best way to resolve it. But someone is always offended.

[PurpleBunny]

On 5/21/2014 Ceci said:

On 5/21/2014 PurpleBunny said: I think the people pushing for the children are being rude and if I were you, someone going to MIL would really p me off. If they say "yes" to thise children, others will be offended that THEIR children weren't included. If they don't want children at the wedding, make that decree and stick to it.

Not if they were in the wedding party. They wouldn't be guests, they would be participants. There's a difference.

But they should not feel forced to put them in the wedding party. If it's a tiny wedding, they probably don't want a lot of attendants. If they don't want kids there, period - that probably includes IN the wedding.