Mom to Mom

[PickyPicky3]

@panda1234     I assume when your daughter was in school she was in special ed. She was eligible for special ed services until age 21. After that it's up to the state where you live and private programs.

You are describing significant impairment. When was the last time she was evaluated? A current evaluation is critical to finding housing and employment opportunities. Social workers will know what's available in your area that match her needs. You can't take that on yourself.

And at her age, sometimes being in the right program is more important than being close to your town. I know that's hard to think about, but it will help in her continued development. In the long run it will keep you closer.

She's lucky to have you watching over her.

[BoopOMatic]

If she is cognitively at the level of an 11 year old child I don't see any way she could move out on her own.

ETA:  We saw a situation akin to this in a relative's extended family; a grown man who was much older than your daughter, degreed, but still lived at home with his parents. They passed away and the house continued falling down around him until a cousin stepped in and somehow got him a low-income apartment. He lives alone and is able to take care of himself.

P.S. You said you are just tired, maybe you're worrying too much and/or trying to do too much? Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with living with your parents. Of course you want to see her happy and have a life of her own but that may not be possible. Things have a way of working out.

[panda1234]

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@HonestLife wrote:

@panda1234  My brother is Cognitively Impaired  (sometimes labeled on The Spectrum). His efforts for independence have been a struggle for him and adds to his inner frustration with himself. It has little to do with tough-love or pushing. It can have the opposite effect as he will retreat from fear/anxiety and high expectations he has never been able to achieve. Love, compassion, a good listening ear and yes, a good Career Counselor can be helpful. Although only if they understand  the small steps necessary. I'm sending you a huge basket of blessings for strength and happiness. Don't harness yourself with guilt. It's a difficult path for you both. 

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@HonestLife   Your brother sounds very much like my daughter. May I ask how old he is and how is he doing? More important how are your parents doing? Thank you for your response, you are one of the few who get it.

[Growing]

Panda, it might be helpful to get coins for yourself. For support and coping skills. You are tired and that’s understandable. She’s a child cognitively but in an adult body with no social outlets. The problem is, who is like her to socialize with? And add in a mental illness. It’s not really failure to launch as she likely can’t hold a job or live on her own. Sometimes we want so much for our special kids to live normal lives. Acceptance of the situation can be helpful to us because it allows us to see reality and plan accordingly. You may be suffering some depression or despair and getting help for that would do you good. No shame feeling how you feel. There are very likely parent support groups and online forums for her developmental delay. I also encourage you to look into group homes or facilities. She may be upset at the thought but you have worries about her future. Another thought is would she qualify for a caregiver aid or day program so you get a break. We have a local non-profit that helps and trains special needs people to work a job, they get a mentor to train them on the job. You are overwhelmed sounding and I think this is pretty natural to feel at times. There are usually books about these issues and coping, etc. All of my kids have some kind of brain health disorder and I practice acceptance every day. They are all fairly functional adults although one has a neuro issue besides that makes him kinda weird. No one lives with me, it’s not the same as your situation. Yours is a challenging situation so please do something nice for yourself, to yourself, each day. Make time for your own needs to get met. You can see by my words I’ve been in parent support groups and therapy myself. Coping is my goal in life so it’s a priority- I no longer put everyone else first and me last. I send you hugs and hope for the future. You are obviously a loving parent.

[Growing]

I meant seeking counseling for yourself. Spell checker got me. Sorry!

[panda1234]

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@Growing wrote:
I meant seeking counseling for yourself. Spell checker got me. Sorry!

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@Growing   I have and I am going to counseling.

[panda1234]

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@Growing wrote:
Panda, it might be helpful to get coins for yourself. For support and coping skills. You are tired and that’s understandable. She’s a child cognitively but in an adult body with no social outlets. The problem is, who is like her to socialize with? And add in a mental illness. It’s not really failure to launch as she likely can’t hold a job or live on her own. Sometimes we want so much for our special kids to live normal lives. Acceptance of the situation can be helpful to us because it allows us to see reality and plan accordingly. You may be suffering some depression or despair and getting help for that would do you good. No shame feeling how you feel. There are very likely parent support groups and online forums for her developmental delay. I also encourage you to look into group homes or facilities. She may be upset at the thought but you have worries about her future. Another thought is would she qualify for a caregiver aid or day program so you get a break. We have a local non-profit that helps and trains special needs people to work a job, they get a mentor to train them on the job. You are overwhelmed sounding and I think this is pretty natural to feel at times. There are usually books about these issues and coping, etc. All of my kids have some kind of brain health disorder and I practice acceptance every day. They are all fairly functional adults although one has a neuro issue besides that makes him kinda weird. No one lives with me, it’s not the same as your situation. Yours is a challenging situation so please do something nice for yourself, to yourself, each day. Make time for your own needs to get met. You can see by my words I’ve been in parent support groups and therapy myself. Coping is my goal in life so it’s a priority- I no longer put everyone else first and me last. I send you hugs and hope for the future. You are obviously a loving parent.

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@Growing Such a beautiful post, thank you. You sound like a counselor with some great advice. Unfortunately she feels she does not have a disability. She presents herself well until you get deep in a conversation and she tells you she wants to become an ER doctor. She needs to be with her peers and not me all of the time. You are right this is not failure to launch when mental illness is a factor. Acceptance of your situation is key, without that you will never move forward. 

[panda1234]

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@BoopOMatic wrote:

If she is cognitively at the level of an 11 year old child I don't see any way she could move out on her own.

ETA:  We saw a situation akin to this in a relative's extended family; a grown man who was much older than your daughter, degreed, but still lived at home with his parents. They passed away and the house continued falling down around him until a cousin stepped in and somehow got him a low-income apartment. He lives alone and is able to take care of himself.

P.S. You said you are just tired, maybe you're worrying too much and/or trying to do too much? Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with living with your parents. Of course you want to see her happy and have a life of her own but that may not be possible. Things have a way of working out.

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@BoopOMatic  This is exactly what I fear and she can't see. Both my husband and I dying and her sitting in the family room saying now what do I do? The low income apartments are not as nice as home and I have explained that to her......you just have to make it work. I see having an adult child living at home as a parent not doing their job. 

[panda1234]

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@PickyPicky3 wrote:

@panda1234     I assume when your daughter was in school she was in special ed. She was eligible for special ed services until age 21. After that it's up to the state where you live and private programs.

You are describing significant impairment. When was the last time she was evaluated? A current evaluation is critical to finding housing and employment opportunities. Social workers will know what's available in your area that match her needs. You can't take that on yourself.

And at her age, sometimes being in the right program is more important than being close to your town. I know that's hard to think about, but it will help in her continued development. In the long run it will keep you closer.

She's lucky to have you watching over her.

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@PickyPicky3  You are so sweet, thank you for the words of encouragement. It seems most things offered are for substance abuse. We will keep looking.

[panda1234]

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@Drythe wrote:

@panda1234 

We have very close friends whose child has Downs Syndrome with significant impairment.  Now in late 30s, lives in a group home, has a job, speaks of apartment, friends, social doings, etc.  Tells parents too busy to spend much time with them. 😊

You have likely already done this, but a call to Social Services may likely provide information relevant to your family.

I have never posted in Mom 2 Mom, as I am childfree by choice.

However, I have known this person since birth, and am very familiar with steps, progress, and situation.

Good Wishes to your family.

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@Drythe  Thank you for suggesting social services. In this mess I never thought of using them but I will.