Mom to Mom

[blondetlw]

With Mother’s Day fast approaching I find myself yearning for that little boy that loved his mommy more than anything.........................the little boy that was the center of my world, whom I have loved more than life itself from the day he was born.  

His father and I separated when our son was only 4 yrs. old and he decided not to participate in our son's life from then on.  As a single mother for a long time, my son and I were inseparable.  Once teenage years came upon us, he started to withdraw a bit, as teenagers do.  He always did well in school, was popular and well liked, however mom was no longer his number one.  He's now in his third year of college, always makes the Dean’s list, semester after semester and has never ever gotten into any of the typical teenage/young adult troubles. He's not the partying type, doesn't drink and thank God, doesn't do drugs.  He has a part-time job and an excellent work ethic, never has missed a day and his employers know that they can always count on him.

I remarried 4 yrs. ago to a wonderful, kind and loving man, who was also a single father to a now grown son.  My husband has been so good to my son, the two of them have never had any differences, however my son is so distant with both of us.  He doesn’t participate in conversation with either of us and frankly acts as though he doesn't want to give us the time of day.  My husband says it's typical and experienced similar behavior with his son when he was younger, but I'm not sure.  I know of many parents who couldn't wait to be empty nesters..............but not me.  I know my son is a grown adult and will soon be embarking on new life adventures and perhaps I'm just overthinking the attitude change.  

Any opinions out there???????

[Puppy Lips]

We have raised three boys, the youngest is a freshman in college.  I know what you mean when you yearn for yester-year.  Whenever I see little boys, I wish mine were young again.  You did very well for your son and he has turned into a fine and honorable young man.  You should be proud of him and yourself as well.  

As far has his behavior, he may feel a bit of a disconnect with you due to your marriage.  Or maybe, since he is close to graduating, he is worried about what comes next in his life.  Or it could just be a phase.  Our older two also went through something like that, where they acted like they did not need us.  They both came around in time.  So I would not worry about it.  Just keep loving him however you can and let him know you are there for him.  He will never be that little boy again, which is sad for us mothers, but a good thing for him.

[Carmie]

I have found that as a parent, the most difficult think I had to do was let my children go.

I have three, so I have had to do it three times.  The fist time was the hardest.

my youngest was my shadow and always beside me.  He also grew up to be the most distant to my affections starting when he was a teen.  I think he didn't want to be known as a mama"s boy.

Now that he is in his 30's and is own his own doing very well, he is once again close to me... a big turn around.

My daughter has always been close and my middle child, a son, is not as affectionate as he used to be now that he has his own family, but he is still very much involved with my DH and I.

It sounds like you did a great job raising your son.  He is just spreading his wings and learning to fly alone.  Just stand back and watch.  He will not fly out of your sight for long.

Your son sounds normal and you shouldn't worry or mention his distance to him.  He is just finding  his way in life.

Happy Mother's Day!

[blondetlw]

@puppylips, thank you for your positive response.  I'm told this can be typical behavior for a boy and some day things will turn around and he'll actually act like he loves his dear mother again.

[toria]

I think you are right.  My son is no longer the happy cute little boy that he was as a child.  He has changed so so much.  He is now an adult, very handsome and well adusted, finished college with a degree and working.  He is just very different.  Way more serious and into work, his friends etc.  He of course talks to us but is no longer like he was as a child and you really miss that.  When he was in college we had a hard time getting him to return calls.  Now he does and he likes to be with us.  Its all good its just that you miss that little boy!!!

[Azcowgirl]

I know what you mean. Being the mom of two sons I have longed for at times, the closeness that we had when they were young. I rarely see them these days, they are busy men with careers, families, active in church and community. Funny how when our families are young and hectic and going non stop, we long for when our lives will be less so, yet when we get there, we sometimes long for the way it used to be. In hind sight , maybe those years were the very best times of our lives. (:

[dex]

@blondetlw I know what you mean...when did that sweet little voice disappear and where did my magic powers go.i used to be able to fix all of the troubles that came his way with a hug and kisses and even at times a special treat.I feel that I am still in his life but not the center sort of off in the back row.I miss all of the fun times we had while he was growing up but I am pleased that I raised a kind young man who is able to stand tall and take full responsibility for his life.This full manhood thing could be what your son is working to achieve at this point.

[beach-mom]

How I miss the random hugs and hanging around me all of the time! And I miss his wanting to "help" cook dinner - and stir whatever I was making. 

Mine is taking his last final as I type this. He is finishing his 3rd year too. He attends college on the other side of the country, and is staying for part of the summer to work, as he did last summer. But last summer he was home in time for our annual weeklong vacation. This time he won't be. That will be hard for me to adjust to. Also, he will be coming home without the welcome of "his" kitty, who died last week. He knows. I didn't want to tell him until finals were over, but DH and others convinced me to. Friends on DD's Facebook would be posting comments. So they were right, but the house still feels empty, even with our other kitties. His aunts, uncles, and cousins haven't seen him for about 2 years. Since he goes so far away, he can never be home for any major holidays. He did make it for his two older cousins' weddings 2 and 3 years ago. 

All of the little things and problems that crop up he has to handle on his own. I know he should be able to do this, but the "mom" in me can't help worrying. I pray a lot!

I think young men around this age do want to prove to themselves they are their own people, and sometimes will distance themselves a little to do this. It's hard for us as moms, especially when they are the only son or the youngest son!

@blondetlw - so I think he'll come around in time. I remember a similar thing happened with my little brother. He just had to prove he didn't need help from us, and he ended up doing that just fine. Congratulations on your wonderful marriage! 

[software]

Yes I miss my little ones.

My son is 36 on Saturday, he has 2 little toddlers, they are fun.

My DD is 25, still single.

We have a lot of pictures when they were young.   We did spend a lot of time together as a family.   Took family vacations together, got together with extended family regularly.  I love looking at the pictures.

[Sunnyfield]

I can relate!  I have one biological son who was my "little buddy" when he was growing up - distanced himself starting in high school and afterwards...in fact, he almost never initiated contact unless he had a problem...

Fast forward - he is now almost 30 - in a committed relationship for almost three years - and I have seen a great change in him over the past few years - much more caring, much more communicative, and much more mature...I give alot of the credit to his fiancee, who is a wonderful girl, but also to the "growing up" he has done over the past 5-6 years of being on his own in the world.

My husband (his father) passed away almost two years ago, and I'm sure that has also had a great impact on his maturity.

His fiancee recently told me that my son is "the kindest, most honest, most supportive and ethical person" she has ever known...meant the world to me and wish his dad had been here to hear it...

do I miss those "little buddy" days - of course, but we do raise them to be independent, don't we??

We worried about his future for years but I think he's going to be OK - as long as he is happy and alive....everything else is gravy!!!