Re: WHAT IF A MOTHERS HEART IS RIGHT??

BigOrangeKitty · ‎04-24-2012

Well,, if you want to hear a "life experience" I can give you one, and only because of the additional information you provided .... one of my best girlfriends married a very nice guy when she was in her late 20's. I thought he was great, kind, polite. They went together a long time. She was so sure he loved her. I remember she always said that. Perhaps she didn't love him as much, but they started planning the wedding and I remember she began to have second thoughts, but pushed them aside thinking everyone must have second thoughts right before the wedding, so she married the guy. Things were good for some years, then he became very possessive, watched her constantly, didn't like her having friends or even visiting her mother. She couldn't do anything right. Eventually they divorced. He dated a few women then decided he wanted her back. She didn't go back to him. After they divorced her Mom told her she didn't think he was right for her from the beginning. Guess Mom was right. Don't know if she would have listened had she said something, but I think expressing your feelings in a kind, loving way wouldn't hurt. Why should you stop doing that just because your children are adults - you're not making decisions for them and you're not telling them what to do -- you're just telling them how you feel. Good luck, Dayari.

jubilant · ‎06-10-2010

You raise your children and you do the best you can. You never stop being concerned for them. It is normal to be concerned, especially when you expect there could be trouble ahead for them. If the opportunity arises again or you should hear her fiancé make another crack about her education....you could just smile and say ...I'm very proud of her....she has worked hard to get where she is. We all would love to spare our children any pain but life doesn't work that way. It is very hard for parents to step back but we need to. If she expresses a concern or asks your opinion.... that is different. You have to deal with her now as you would any other adult and if she does seek your advice try to give her the advice as you would give to one of her friends or another adult in your life.....not as her mother. That is hard to do when you think someone is about to fall off a cliff....but you must realize that life is the best teacher, now. It's so hard to do when you have been the teacher most of their lives. I truly empathize. Keep praying and just realize that God doesn't force his thoughts on people....they have to want them. Same goes for your daughter....she is a free person....free to make her own choices. Whatever happens you love her and she loves you. She is a lucky girl....no matter what...she has your love. My best to you both. Smile

deb5555 · ‎03-21-2010

A son is a son til he takes a wife, a daughter is yours for the rest of your life ${#emotions_dlg.wub}$

What a interesting subject! Everything always has a way of working out.

Jubilant is right on with "Life is the best teacher" spot on!

geezerette · ‎03-16-2010

As to dayari’s original intent about whether a mother’s intuition can be right: sure it can. And sometimes it can be wrong. From my own experience, my husband never fit in with my family, nor I with his. I know that neither family wanted us to marry, but we did. I know that my parents wanted someone that would have fit their image of a suitable son-in-law (someone like my sisters married) who would give me a life like they imagined for me. But that’s not the life I wanted. I was a grown woman when I married and had lived with my future husband for years before so I knew what I was getting into. We’ve been happily married for 35 years. And I dearly hope we make it another 35. (BTW, my husband was the only one of the family who aided me in taking care of my mother in her last years so that she didn't go into a nursing home.)

My sister absolutely loved the woman her son married. They divorced after ten years.

My other sister had doubts about the man her daughter married. They too divorced after about ten years. Both my husband and I didn’t care for any of the men our daughters married, and they all divorced—two of them multiple times.

So, back to my original statement: sometimes a mother’s intuition can be right, and sometimes it can be wrong. But it’s your daughter’s life and her decision. You can talk to her about your doubts if you like, but it will still be her decision to make (and she’ll make it one way or another), and yours to live with the best you can.

Best of luck to you, dayari, and your family. Lean on your faith.

Mom2Dogs · ‎03-09-2010

OP, I see nothing wrong with posting and asking for advice...no one knows you or where you live. There are a lot of different type of people on these boards from many different backgrounds and my eyes have been opened up a time or two with remarks, good and bad. I see no harm in your post.

edited to add: my step daughter married a 'man' (used loosely) that we did not think would make a good husband/father and we were not surprised when the marriage did not last. It was her decision to marry him there was nothing we could do about it but watch it all unfold.

mousiegirl · ‎03-09-2010

Is he controlling of your DD? It is a tough situation to be in. Scott Peterson's in-laws thought he wasn't capable of what he actually did and supported him for a while, until they realized he did what he did, the point being, not always do people know another person, but I do believe in gut feelings. Your daughter is very educated, and he laughs at education? He's a loser in my book, but if your DD doesn't see it, therein lies the problem. He is obviously meeting your DD's emotional needs on a level high enough for her not to see that the match isn't good, in your eyes. I would have to voice my opinion, deep discussion with DD, and then, she would have to decide, but I would encourage a long engagement, long enough for there to be a chance of her opening her eyes to the reality of the situation.

Tinkrbl44 · ‎08-23-2010

Dayari, my mother was adamant that I shouldn't marry the man I was engaged to. She was quite insistent that she was "right" and I was just being obstinate. It was horrible because she seemed to need to have her way.

Honestly, I wish she had kept her feelings to herself. I later ended the engagement, but her needing to be right interfered with my thinking this through on my own.

My point is that you might be right, but it's not your decision to make. If you've raised a young woman with a good head on her shoulders, she will make the right decision. Just support her.

Kcubed · ‎03-09-2010

On 7/21/2014 jubilant said:
You raise your children and you do the best you can. You never stop being concerned for them. It is normal to be concerned, especially when you expect there could be trouble ahead for them. If the opportunity arises again or you should hear her fiancé make another crack about her education....you could just smile and say ...I'm very proud of her....she has worked hard to get where she is. We all would love to spare our children any pain but life doesn't work that way. It is very hard for parents to step back but we need to. If she expresses a concern or asks your opinion.... that is different. You have to deal with her now as you would any other adult and if she does seek your advice try to give her the advice as you would give to one of her friends or another adult in your life.....not as her mother. That is hard to do when you think someone is about to fall off a cliff....but you must realize that life is the best teacher, now. It's so hard to do when you have been the teacher most of their lives. I truly empathize. Keep praying and just realize that God doesn't force his thoughts on people....they have to want them. Same goes for your daughter....she is a free person....free to make her own choices. Whatever happens you love her and she loves you. She is a lucky girl....no matter what...she has your love. My best to you both.

This is a wonderful answer! Dayari, I totally understand why you posted on this board. It is so much easier to discuss this with caring strangers anonymously instead of talking to friends. Your daughter would probably consider your talking to people that she knows as a betrayal, but the board is a place to go to get some advice without running the risk of her finding out and being hurt.

All mothers on this board understand how you are feeling right now. It is hard to imagine the love a mother feels for a child. When our gut tells us something is wrong, it is so hard to push that feeling away and act happy and supportive, but that is probably what you will need to do.

A similar thing happened to my daughter's best friend. These two girls are so close that they are like sisters. Her friend married a man that my daughter knew in her heart was very wrong for her. She saw so many red flags related to the way that he treated her. She did have a loving, calm discussion with her friend, but she saw right away that her mind was made up. She valued the friendship so much, so she made peace with the situation. She prayed for her and asked God to watch over her friend and to help her feel happy and loved. She vowed to God and to herself that if things didn't work out, she would be by her friend's side every step of the way.

The husband did indeed hurt my daughter's friend in a terrible way, but my daughter loved and supported her through the divorce. Her friend is now in a wonderful, loving relationship, and my daughter is so happy for her. Perhaps you will feel peace if you love and support your daughter throughout this time and have a personal vow that you will love and support her through troubled times if necessary. Hopefully she will be happy forever.

Alsee · ‎03-15-2010

What if you're wrong and interfere with her happiness? Trust that you raised her to make decisions that are right for her. Just love and be there IF she asks for advice or your opinion.

dayari · ‎08-23-2011

Well this MOTHERS HEART WAS RIGHT when she posted on QVC forum and my heart was right when I didn't delete it. You Mom's and sister's and grandmother's and women have written so many amazing posts! if we were in a sociology class you would all get A's in my book. Everyone has something I can take with me on this road. Thank you! just a funny story to add because I do believe in Angels and fate...today I went into the neighborhood meat store to speak to them about her engagement party...feeling confident that I would move forward and support them in their decision. While I was waiting for the caterer manager to come off the phone a woman was standing in front of me..suddenly one of the gentlemen that works there took her hands and asked her what had happened to the husband of a woman I guess she was friends with. He saw her alone now when she came in and thought he must have passed. "No" the woman replied they got divorced. She said everyone knew he wasn't right for her but she didn't listen and after 3 years they divorced. She said the woman was happier, the man not. At the end of the story the catering manager came out and I almost ran but asked my questions about the food and left. Coincidence maybe...but I always believe in signs....anyway taking posters advise and going through the motions of going to see venues, etc.....only time will tell....hey we can always do a movie or lifetime and Romany (I hope that is your name I was too lazy to scroll back) we can call it what will be will be ....