Mom to Mom

[sparklestar]

On 7/20/2014 Colonel Meow said:

On 7/20/2014 dayari said:

Luvmycats as I said I am sorry I ever posted and will call QVC tomorrow to delete the post and I will NEVER post anything again this was more an eye opener about people in this world than even about my original post. Again if anyone knows how to delete my post I welcome it. I cannot figure it out. I truly was asking more the questions of a mothers gut feeling about things and that was the intent of my original post.

dayari - each of "the nasties" are repeat offenders, so to speak. I would really encourage you not to get too worked up over anything these posters have to say.

She (Col. Meow) speaks the truth. Before asking for advice here, you have to be prepared for both sides. There are the resident nasties that hang out for no other reason than to spread their bitterness around, as it must be too much for them to deal with. Just try to ignore them.

As for your situation, I don't think there is anything you can do. If you say something, you may alienate your daughter and I don't think you want that. I kind of went through something similar with my daughter. I knew her and her boyfriend were not meant for each other. Most of the time she was not happy and they were always fighting. Nothing against him because I didn't really know him well, but I knew my daughter. A few times she would talk to me about what was making her unhappy and I held my tongue and just said "you can't change him and if this is making you unhappy, then you will always be unhappy." They decided to move in together (which I was not happy about), but in the end living with him she realized she was not happy. She had to make the move to leave and she did. Afterwards I made the remark "I kind had a feeling you would not be happy." She was upset with me, but I explained that it's not that I didn't want her to be happy but just that I knew her better than she knew herself and I couldn't see her being miserable most of the time.

Now she's much happier, on her own and doing her own thing. She's a teacher and she's a strong, independent woman who knows what she wants.

I hope it works out for you. But as many of the others have said, she has to make the decision. Good luck.

[ROMARY]

Sometimes 'opposites attract'......... I'd most likely let her get to know him better, let her make her own decision/choice. Sometimes if we try to push a couple apart, (and not hinting that you are), it will result in more attraction to each other. A 'united front', so to speak. 'Que sera, sera, .... whatever will be will be.....the future is not ours to see, que sera, sera.' Lovely song, and it sometimes makes a lot of sense. Wishing you and your dear daughter well.

[jackthebear]

Sorry the OP is upset at the answers but sometimes when you ask questions, you have to be prepared for answers you might not like especially in a medium like this.

I think we who have children an all understand.

[VaBelle35]

Depending on your daughter's age, this man may be "good enough" for having children and raising them. Some women get to a point where they want to have children and pick the best option available at the time to achieve the end result.

People marry for a lot of reasons these days and they are sometimes more practical and "time sensitive" than anything else.

Perhaps instead of just suggesting your daughter attend some sort of religious or non-religious pre-marital session, you can also talk to someone in your church for prayer and guidance for you, too.

[CookyJ]

My parents felt my first husband was all wrong for me, but on the advice of other family members kept their feelings to themselves and worked at finding the good in my husband. I was headstrong and nothing they could have said would have stopped me from loving and marrying the guy. My mom says she knew that God would not allow me to continue in a mistake and prayed for strength. When we divorced in under two years Mom used her strength and wisdom to help me move on and find peace. I know this is a difficult situation and I hope it turns out well for all of you.

[terrier3]

The important thing is to love and support your daughter, IMO.

You have obviously raised a great daughter - someone with a good education and desire to succeed in life.

She is an adult - you raised her to be able to make her own decisions, which is at it should be. If you share your feelings with her, it will just push her away.

Just be happy because SHE is happy. You will be there for her no matter what.

Your "worst nightmare"? Sounds to me that you raised an educated, responsible woman who wants to marry BEFORE she has children. No drugs, no drama...just read some other threads and realize how blessed you really are!

[dayari]

Thank you all and Cooky J that's it exactly I pray for GOD to help on her making the right decision. There is so much more to the story but I did want to keep some of it private so perhaps not fair to all of you to give opinions without knowing it all. Again really the purpose of my OP was to ask if Mothers gut feelings are usually right - more a general question related to many things. I will share one more bit of information my daughter does have her doubts but she thinks he loves her and that is what is driving her now. She is beautiful and has a great career but never thought highly of herself when it came to men. She has a disabled brother altho I don't know if that has any bearing on it all. Anyway as Romary said so beautifully in her song What will be will be. I just am not a phony and it is hard to plan the wedding with a heavy heart. I trust in GOD and will continue with acceptance of her decision if that is HIS plan.

[Tootie15]

dayari ... AMEN! All you can do, is be there for her .. and it sounds like you are! Best of luck to you!!

[LilacTree]

I have four daughters, all of whom were married in their twenties . . . two to young men I clearly liked/loved, one to a man I was skeptical of, and one to a really bad choice; I was devastated when she married him. He proved to be almost impossible to live with.

Of the two I liked/loved, one has turned out to be a real psycho, narcissistic B, who has never stopped trying to destroy my daughter. The other couldn't handle my very troublesome daughter and found someone else to whom he is still happily married. The other two, the one I was skeptical of, they lived together for six years, finally were married, and a year later he told her he didn't want to be married anymore and took off with someone else. The last one, was an alcoholic, but has been sober for seven years now, and even though they are divorced, he has stuck around to be a father for his children, although he has no ability to support them. So all four of my daughters are divorced and in different situations.

My point is that you, as a mom, have absolutely no idea how this marriage will turn out. You will have to let your daughter's own intelligence guide her and simply keep your fingers crossed that it will be a successful marriage. There is nothing you can do.

[Tzu4u]

An engagement can be forever. NEVER say or insinuate that you dislike her fiance.

Your daughter is an adult, and an intelligent woman. she will figure it out.

Again, NEVER EVER say or even whisper a negative word. She must come to the realization of his qualities without anyone pointing it out to her. Your negativity about him will only force her to stand strong with him, and push her closer to him.