Mom to Mom

[Macallanmom]

On 3/19/2014 ury said:

I'm sorry you are going through that mess. I think anyone who has spent time in the workforce has experienced a version of this annoyance.

What's your reality? You must need the job or you'd be actively looking for another job. You are outnumbered, 3 to 1. Your office is a political place. You don't want to draw negative attention to yourself or become the office snitch. If you draw negative attention to yourself, you may find yourself in a hostile work environment. Some managers respond correctly to this office mess while others may think you are high maintenance and resent being informed of personal problems in the office.

How should you react? When you feel like complaining or having an attitude at work -- Be Silent. Be Safe. Practice putting an oblivious smile on your face. Be consistent on doing a good job each day. Hold back on verbal and non-verbal criticisms in the office. Be kind. This too, shall pass. And if it doesn't pass -- look for a different job.

I'm a trained mediator - master's in conflict management. This is the advice we'd give a client. My non-professional advice? Pray about the situation. Find strength in taking the high road. Know when it's time to change your environment.

Thank you so much for your very helpful words and advise. Yes, I do pray about this situation as well as for the three women. I really appreciate you taking the time to to respond - very nice !

[pistolino]

On 3/19/2014 Nikalette said:A neurosurgeon who cuts through fat? Strange.k I've been a nurse for 20 years and I've rarely heard doctors talk about patients. More often the nurses. But the worst people were the office staff. Anyway the question was about cattiness among co-workers...Yes, I've experienced it. Especially in the medical profession. It is nearly always based on jealousy.

On 3/19/2014 pistolino said:

Pickles, the DOCTORS talk about the patients, that's where the office staff learns it from. I worked for a neurosurgeon who, if a patient was fat and needed surgery, would go on and on about how fat they were because he hated cutting through tons of fat.<br /> <br /> That's just one doctor--every one I've ever worked for discussed the patients in a not-flattering way, even the pediatrician I worked for (he didn't talk about the kids, just their parents).

Of course a neurosurgeon cuts through fat - spine surgery ? Coming through the front-fat necks, fat abdomens.

And you may not have heard much talk if you were working in a patient area, I worked as an administrative assistant and was not in the clinic area at all--I was a floor above where the doctors' offices were. And they talk about the nurses also.

[karil]

I agree with Ury... keep on the high road. I am a big fan of teaching people how to treat me. I try to be friendly and engage a LITTLE in office chat -- but I am an ""outsider"" to their ""exclusive"" groups.

Some people do like to define their value by leaving others out. Be glad to be left out. And it's funny how often that these little cliques implode.

[JamaicaJammer2]

Start looking for another job.

I stayed 24 yrs in a department precisely like you're in -- I didn't sleep with my boss, I didn't get trashed at lunch every Friday, and my dh and I didn't do "wife swapping" or "swinging" once/month with them.

Was treated like dirt, denied promotions, etc., b/c I didn't join in.

[Campion]

On 3/19/2014 ury said:

I'm going to be hit with some criticism because of my statement, but here goes --- it's times like these when 'thinking like a man, but acting like a lady' works.

Ury, that is MY MANTRA. You'll stay above the fray of a clique (where the new gal can NEVER win) and you'll be more valuable to the male co-workers (because you're doing your work and not messing around and can be trusted.)

[ROMARY]

Don't 'hang around' those 'teenagers'. Keep yourself above them, do your job the very best you can, and find your own more mature friends to socialize with after hours.

[oceanbreezy]

That's right, stay above the fray. Document, document, document. Build up your ammunition. Don't worry about what your co-workers doing. You do the right thing. I was an outsider, too. People would pin things on me, or try to sabotage my work, or set me up for failure. But I was always able to rebutt or refute those claims. I did not go along to get along. People will respect you for it. I got my promotion eventually.

[MSA2004]

The office isn't as bad as the commute. Several of these women sit right next to me day after day and just plain ignore me. It's rude. I don't want to party or bar hopping, but it hurts a big to be ignored when I'm sitting right there! Thank goodness for my Kindle and the ability to sit someplace else sometimes!

[sfnative]

My hope for you is this situation will at least mellow down a bit. I agree with Ury, though. Makes lots of sense.

Working in Clinical Research for 10 years, I was in a rather small office of 4. Two of the women chatted so much, I know for a fact that they didn't get half the work done they were supposed to. And one of them went AWOL for 2.5 weeks and was simply written up (did not get fired). Takes all kinds.

My best to you and God Bless - R

Edited to add that in my situation I felt I had to bring expressions of myself and family to work to "soften" the situation around me, so brought a few photos and appropriate momentos, that actually ended up being conversation started, because one of them was a blue ribbon I had won. Later on in my tenure in this position, I was offered a huge promotion, partly due to all of the work accomplished that should have been completed the two who had better things to do.

[ROMARY]

I'd be very happy to be ignored by 'teenage' co-workers! Just pay attention to your own work. Forget about what 'they' are doing and/or not doing. I've always done 'my own thing' and kept business separate from my private life. The very best thing you can do, IMO, is to be and definitely act happy! Come into work very happy, and, for sure, leave very cheerful and happy. Give the impression that you have a happy after-hours life. That's my advice for today!