Re: My Old Mom and Me

timeless · ‎02-18-2022

Oooh, I'm sending you extra energy to help with your husband!!!

I'm grateful mom is functioning mentally.

My grandmother had dementia (Unbeknownst to them) while living hundreds of miles away from my mom and dad.

One day mom got a phone call from a neighbor that grandmother was going house-to-house saying she was hungry.

They flew down to find that she was completely needing to be moved to their home and taken care of.

(Grandmother was not the nicest person, and dad had a weird relationship with her, so be understanding he didn't keep in contact...mom was abused by her mentally also, so them taking her in was something very hard.)

Anyway, grandmother died in their home after mom took care of her during the day (dad still worked).

So, I do understand how it could be worse. I'm just trying to handle where she is now and do appreciate her abilities.

Growing · ‎07-12-2020

@timeless

You are a good daughter and show much love to your mom on here.

I used to work with older adults so I try to use age friendly phrasing. Older adults are marginalized in our culture but you show such love to your mom that she is truly lucky.

I do not have daughters who are in contact and I think your mom is very lucky to have you take her somewhere twice a week. I have a son who suffers from depression and is an introvert like me so he doesn't think about calling me much. And I look younger than my age but I struggle with health issues.

I do wash my own hair every night in the shower but my deceased MIL did the weekly hair stylist thing for all her life. She liked to have it styled kind of in an updo with lots of hairspray and so does one of my older friends. That is changing with the younger generations of older adults I have noticed.

I think your saying she is an introvert is probably very close to what is going on. Some of her friends may have died already. She doesn't hve the energy to force herself out for activities or maybe there are no senior activities or centers where you live. I am an introvert and last year had so many acquaintances pass away that now I am forcing myself to try new things, new activities. I will say I do feel lonely many times when I am in my house all alone too much.

All my friends are going through a sick patch or are in their 80's and no longer able to socialize. I am glad you wrote this and people responded. People my own age are all working. I have more insight, positive insight, into my own situation now. God bless you for being such a loving daughter.

Detachment isn't the absence of love but the ability to take care of yourself in the midst of someone else's choices.

sheetsheba · ‎10-31-2022

There's an old saying, "a son is a son til he takes him a wife, but a daughter's a daughter the rest of her life'. I'm 83 and live alone about 50 miles from my son. I drive to his home for special occasions but he doesn't ever come to my home. He calls and checks on me and I try and always be upbeat but in truth I am very lonely and am dealing with health issues. Those who have a daughter are very fortunate (most of the time).

ValuSkr · ‎03-15-2014

I think your mother is normal. My mother is 90 and uses a walker. She prefers to grocery shop alone; she doesn't appreciate a "helper" at her elbow all the time. Alone, she can take her time and browse the store's offerings and visit with people at her own pace. I'm sure the same would apply when she's shopping at a department store.

Flatbush · ‎07-18-2015

@Jo1313

I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you.

Has DH been diagnosed yet?

Even so, I do not know if there are any meds that can help him. Perhaps there are some that can slow the problem down.

I do hope you have some family or friends near by that can give you a hand and some time away.

I think this is the most difficult situation that care takers have to endure.

Thinking of you and hoping that you can get some help and the strength to carry you through.

You and DH will remain in my thoughts.

Jo1313 · ‎02-02-2021

@Flatbush wrote:
@Jo1313
I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you.
Has DH been diagnosed yet?
Even so, I do not know if there are any meds that can help him. Perhaps there are some that can slow the problem down.

I do hope you have some family or friends near by that can give you a hand and some time away.
I think this is the most difficult situation that care takers have to endure.
Thinking of you and hoping that you can get some help and the strength to carry you through.
You and DH will remain in my thoughts.
@Flatbush
Thank you for you kind words..Even if there was a medication DH is probably has had it too long to do any good..

I blame it partially on heart meds.. DH's Dad had it and was on heart meds for years..So was my Dad..
We went to get our taxes done not long ago..same woman has been doing them for yrs...She couldn't get over how far down DH has gone in the last year.It's just me my kids live over 200 miles away...If I call them they drop everything to drive the 2 and a half hours to get here..
This county has few resourses fot this things..I was told by a woman from the Dept. of Aging.."did you ever think about moving?"..I told her come here with a bag of cash and I'll be out in 30 days!
This place was DH's dream to live in the country..it's been my nightmare for the last 22 yrs.
I just do my best everyday...I don't want anyone to pity my situation..Now he has started to wander..I have all the keys to the house and car just in case.
I was in a nursing home/rehab for almost 3 months a few years ago( after being in the hospital 4 months) my kids took turns..
my kids took being here.
I have all my mental functions( I'm an Italian screamer!) and there is no way on earth that I would put DH in a nursing home and not be able to know what was going on.
Again thank you for your kind thoughts.

timeless · ‎02-18-2022

@sheetsheba

Those who have a daughter are very fortunate (most of the time).

((hug)) for you, sweetie.

As a mom of only one child, a son, I'm in your shoes.

Flatbush · ‎07-18-2015

@Jo1313

I do not pity you but I certainly empathize.

I often think about how unpredictable life is.

It seems as if no matter how and what we do to avoid the unexpected, it is never enough or helpful.

22 years in a place you never wanted to be in was a terrible sacrifice, but did it to make dh happy. You deseve a better outcome than this.

But then there is the old adage: "Life is not fair"'

I hate hearing that but it is all too true. What I find most aggravating from time to time, is someone telling or suggesting to me the obvious. In my case it has to do with my illnesses, in your case, the woman telling you to move. I loved your response and had a chuckle. Italians got spunk.

I will just keep hoping something turns up that will lessen your burden and I do not care how or where it comes, but it just does come.

My thought will be with you.