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[Pook]

The only thing I noticed at the more formal family events was frustration, the host not enjoying things and often resentment at having to do all that, comments about being careful not to ruin good china and no real fun because the one hosting was tired and cranky from having to do all that fancy stuff and having to do all those dishes since she prized the fancy dinnerware so much she was protective of it!!  Once everyone switched to informal and quit trying to recreate the old days of more formal dinners, the fun started and everyone enjoyed themselves more!!!  Old time tradition is not always better!!  

I also think the younger generations are much smarter and enjoy life more by eliminating the old ways which were way more work!!!!  

[Sooner]

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@Kachina624 wrote:

Totally agree @Sooner, I think laziness has a lot to do with it.  They dont want to risk missing a few minutes on their cell phones.  It makes me very sad.

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I know all of my mother's generation worked really hard and sacraficed a LOT of work and bother because it made their families happy and brought them together.  They worked HARD at it for other people making a fabulous meal and a beautiful setting so that others would feel SPECIAL.  They thought there was greater good in the sacrifice of what they might have rather done.

I think that sort of selflessness should be remembered and uplifted.  Easy is not always the best path.  

[JB116]

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@Pook wrote:

I'm 65 and have never wanted nor did I feel the need to have fine china and flatware!  When we have family gatherings, we are informal (no matter whose house we go to) and have so much fun.  No need to worry about anything breaking and the atmosphere is just way too stuffy anyway.  Who cares if we use melamine, mismatched cheap plates or even paper plates and the flatware doesn't match?  No one is trying to impress and seeing people who don't often have a chance to see each other is the important part anyway!  I think so many are realizing that now and can't see anyone changing their minds about it.  Fancy things are just unnecessary stuff to store or carry around when moving.

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Absolutely how I feel too.

Long time ago I was given for my wedding some old dishes that belonged to someone in my father's family. I was NEVER close to anyone in my father's family. All of them were already dead before I was born.

I felt absolutely no connection to these dishes at all but I kept them in a box for many years, mostly forgetting about them.

Well this past summer when we moved I decided to get rid of them. I gave them away via Freecycle so hopefully someone is liking them.

I just don't care about the formality of such stuff. I know how to set a beautiful table if I wanted but I just don't want to. I don't even have a table to eat at anymore except for my patio table. It's just not important anymore.

[NorthernLights]

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@Sooner wrote:

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@Kachina624 wrote:

Totally agree @Sooner, I think laziness has a lot to do with it.  They dont want to risk missing a few minutes on their cell phones.  It makes me very sad.

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I know all of my mother's generation worked really hard and sacraficed a LOT of work and bother because it made their families happy and brought them together.  They worked HARD at it for other people making a fabulous meal and a beautiful setting so that others would feel SPECIAL.  They thought there was greater good in the sacrifice of what they might have rather done.

I think that sort of selflessness should be remembered and uplifted.  Easy is not always the best path.  

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I wish I could upvote this a thousand times. They will never get that.

[Mominohio]

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@Sooner wrote:

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@homedecor1 wrote:

@Kachina624

I don't know how to copy but your statement about your nieces made me chuckle.  My niece is the same - I called her (shall I say my son text her with a message he would be doing TG but if she preferred to do it at their new home he would understand)

So I casually ask her if she got the text  -- her answer: I'm not doing any TG that's a full- day of cooking & a sit down style dinner!  I (we) have no desire to start doing that - we like casual, easy entertaining, i.e., paper plates!!!  She was too funny: I said I will help you -- she said "thanks but no thanks I don't want to be stuck the next 20 years I'll keep Easter brunch, Christmas Eve & calling the caterer!!!! (Guess the Holly Lenox will remain in the boxes!! Lol)

I just chuckled because she said I loved the many wonderful holidays and sit down dinners at your house -- those are my memories & I will cherish them forever!!!

Oh these kids smarter than us at times!  

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I'd simply say lazy rather than smart.  You were good for the wonderful memories, but she won't take her turn?  Sad statement I think. . . Sorry, but I find it disappointing that today's kids aren't eager to give back to the next generations of the things they loved. 

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@Sooner

@homedecor1

@Kachina624

No disrespect to your niece @homedecor1, and I'm not sure I'd use the term 'lazy' (although for many, that is exactly the right term), but there is this thing called obligation. 

It is often seen as a 'dirty' word. That we are now modern, honest and unencumbered, and we really owe no one anything we don't really want to do.

But obligation doesn't have to be a bad word, or one of sacrifice and toil. There is honor in fulfilling obligations, and pride to be taken in doing so.

Every generation indeed does have some obligation to the generations that came before and those that will come after. One of those obligations is to carry traditions (make new ones too!) and history and education. 

By the 'next' generation continuing even just some of the traditions from the past (like big holiday dinners)  they are not only showing honor to those before, they are creating memories for themselves, and may have no idea how treasured they will someday be. They will also be creating/carrying memories and a foundation of tradition  for others in future generations. 

Our mothers and grandmothers were working and busy and most had much less to work with than we do or our younger generation does, yet they put in the time and work to make great traditions, be they big holiday meals, nice Christmas experiences, contributions to the family reunions etc. Many of us enjoyed and grew to appreciate those things, and all the work that went with them. We then took our turns (or still do), and realized the rewards were/are much more than the work involved.

But like we have done with so many other things, we give a pass to our adult children with the excuses that they are simply 'different' in the things that they think, believe, want etc.  And of course we can't make people do or feel or believe what they don't or don't want to. And no body wants a big fancy holiday meal with a host/hostess that doesn't want to be there or be doing it. 

But the answer is to somehow make these otherwise intelligent, sensitive and wonderful people want to and enjoy giving back some of what they received in life. How to make them understand what an opportunity they have to carry on tradition, make happy and proud those that came before them and still treasure those things.

There are some things you can always do later. Then there are some things, that once time has passed, can never be gone back to or recreated. If too much time passes, and those older loved ones are gone, we can't bring them back. If we let our little children grow up without the connections and traditions, they will know nothing else, and perhaps not wish to learn them or have nowhere to learn them when we are gone.

So it really isn't about lazy, or them being smarter. It is about we have somehow not taught selflessness. Something about doing for and giving to others, in ways that they ask us for (even indirectly like offering to help with a big holiday dinner, says one wants the experience and is willing to help get it) or in ways that they never express, but we know would make them happy. 

Selflessness sometimes requires hard work, sacrifice, and doing something that in the beginning we would rather not, but from which we should reap great rewards when done with a cheerful heart. There are just certain perspectives we don't do a very good job of instilling in our children and the times to do so really don't end when they grow up. Even the adult children in our family sometimes need to be reminded of things like selflessness, and it isn't always about giving to strangers, but giving of oneself to those closest to you, in ways that at first, might not be something we want to do, but what we know they may need or want.

[RedTop]

I grew up in a family where flatware, silver, and china were unimportant; neither side of my family ever did anything “formal”.   I’m 62 years old and have never eaten a fancy meal at a formal table, and have no interest to do so.   

As the only granddaughter, I inherited a lot of stuff that meant very little to me.  A large portion of that stuff has gone out the door with my decluttering efforts.   

My husband purchased a large silver serving set for his mother while stationed in Vietnam in the early 1970’s.   

After her death, those pieces came here and we divided them between our daughters.   The girls have no interest in the pieces, and will likely sell them.   

I do not want to follow in my grandmother’s footsteps by hanging onto loved ones thru things they once owned.   

[Zag]

Thank you for those thoughts.  I too agree with you.  I don't consider myself to be "old" by any means, but REAL close to 50!  When I married, I was given my grandmother's china.  I so adore it.  One of the things that make it special to me is because I know how hard the family worked to buy the china for her.  It is not something she could afford to buy for herself.  My mother used the china prior to me, and we enjoyed many meals on it, but mostly she kept it displayed and safe for passing on.  I was honored when my grandmother said that I should have it when I married, as she certainly had many other granddaughters she could  have passed it to.   I love the color combination of her china, pink and silver, although the name of the pattern has escaped me at present.  It is very elegant.

Not only did I receive my grandmother's china,  my husband inherited his grandmother's china as well as her "Blue Willow" dishes and a her "Jewell Tea Autumn" dishes.  Her china was pink which coordinates well with my grandmother's china.   He was so proud to get the Jewell Tea dishes, as we heard many stories about the "traveling sales man" who used to come by her house in the 1940's selling the dishes.  I believe she bought each piece as she could afford to.  The blue willow dishes are fun to display in the summer time when I love to use blue gingham, lemons, and blueberries as accents to display with it.

There is something really sweet about the passing of these treasured pieces through the generations.  We live among a spoiled society.  Too many of us just go buy what we need whenever we need it and do not appreciate that so many generations before us, and many people still around us, truly have to budget for every thing that is not a  necessity.  Sadly, many have to budget for the necessities as well.

So, mominohio, I am glad you can enjoy these things and I hope you have an opportunity soon to eat a lovely meal and savor precious memories as you use the pretty dishes and serving pieces you must have. 

[Pook]

I would not participate in any family dinner because someone felt "obligated" to carry on a tradition!!  Those formal things did not serve to bring the family together in most cases - just build resentment due to "obligation"!!   Many years ago at a family dinner, the teens pointed out that the adults were so busy putting together the "perfect traditional" dinner that no one really socialized that much and since they rarely see everyone they really would like to spend time with them and have fun.  We started to use the "good china" (what we referred to as paper plates) and actually had a pizza Thanksgiving one year and for Christmas we had a lunchmeat platter...  BUT... we had so much fun without all the stupid hassle!  Wouldn't want to miss out on getting to know and catch up with everyone and glad things are more informal now!

[Mominohio]

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@Pook wrote:

I would not participate in any family dinner because someone felt "obligated" to carry on a tradition!!  Those formal things did not serve to bring the family together in most cases - just build resentment due to "obligation"!!   Many years ago at a family dinner, the teens pointed out that the adults were so busy putting together the "perfect traditional" dinner that no one really socialized that much and since they rarely see everyone they really would like to spend time with them and have fun.  We started to use the "good china" (what we referred to as paper plates) and actually had a pizza Thanksgiving one year and for Christmas we had a lunchmeat platter...  BUT... we had so much fun without all the stupid hassle!  Wouldn't want to miss out on getting to know and catch up with everyone and glad things are more informal now!

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Hmm...

Don't see how people can't work and socialize at the same time. Seen it done and participated in it all my life. Plenty of visiting, laughing, talking etc.

I think everyone agrees the getting together and enjoying each other's company is the most important thing regardless of the event, the kind of food or the setting. 

But....as traditions erode, so often go the events themselves. 

We've all seen it. When great grandma passes, the big family gathering with all the aunts, uncles and cousins starts to break down in to smaller units, and in some cases it gets smaller until there is no gathering together except immediate family. 

Many families never own or use crystal, china, silver, but they did/do set a table with whatever they liked or had. People sat down to eat, when the crowd wasn't so big as to not fit around the table. Manners were used, taught, and learned, and people behaved like they had some sense.

I had a great aunt and uncle that hosted many holiday gatherings. Their house was tiny and nowhere to sit people at the table. It was where ever you could find a seat, inside or out, and in the basement in the winter. A grand time was had by all and often there would be 30 or more people packed into the place.

One of my cousins, who was raised with this as the only way they gathered and shared meals, had young adult sons who would eat their food from their plates without silverware, like pigs (no, I mean literally like a pig), in the company of others, at these events. They thought they were funny, kind of a fraternity like atmosphere with them.

Now, you can plain and simple call it poor parenting, and it was. But....my cousin wasn't raised with table manners and formal meals occasionally, and her children saw none of it. Manners learned and practiced at such events escaped her and her children because of it.

You can say such things aren't important, but if children don't practice certain things, if they don't experience them, they don't know them or exhibit proper behavior in certain situations. 

Yes, I know that plenty of people who eat off paper plates every day have children that know better and are taught better and behave better. All I'm saying is that oftentimes the situations we either experience or deny ourselves or our children, even just a couple of times a year, can have a great impact on their lives, and in more ways than just learning manners, but in rich memories as well. 

[Snowpuppy]

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@NorthernLights wrote:

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@Sooner wrote:

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@Kachina624 wrote:

Totally agree @Sooner, I think laziness has a lot to do with it.  They dont want to risk missing a few minutes on their cell phones.  It makes me very sad.

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I know all of my mother's generation worked really hard and sacraficed a LOT of work and bother because it made their families happy and brought them together.  They worked HARD at it for other people making a fabulous meal and a beautiful setting so that others would feel SPECIAL.  They thought there was greater good in the sacrifice of what they might have rather done.

I think that sort of selflessness should be remembered and uplifted.  Easy is not always the best path.  

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I wish I could upvote this a thousand times. They will never get that.

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This was my grandmother. She suffered from RA but yet cooked, cleaned and baked not only for holidays but for Sunday dinners as well.  She inherited her MIL's china and cherished it.

My grandmother had such gratitude for everything that cooking a meal and serving it to family was her labor of love.  She had no dishwasher, microwave, no grocery carryout either. She didn't complain.

I now revere her traditions and how tirelessly she gave of herself.