Community Chat

[RedTop]

@raspberrygal 

I lost my husband of 50 years nearly 9 months ago.  I took early retirement 13 years ago to be a caregiver due to his declining health and my mother in mid stages of dementia.  I lost both within 11 months.  

What I have appreciated most from my family and friends is space and time alone.  I do not find comfort in a group of people even if they are close to me.  My husband died here at home under Hospice care; 7 weeks of going 24/7, with a revolving front door, so my daughters and I were exhausted.  We needed rest.  I was totally worn out.

I appreciated the many beautiful cards and notes, the regular texts, and quick calls to check on us, letting us know we were in their thoughts and prayers, and ask if we needed anything.  It has been a great comfort to me to hear my loved ones comment on my strong faith, my overall strength and determination, my independence, along with their confidence I will move forward just fine based on how I've handled these last 13 years.  

The last thing I ever want to hear from my loved ones is any mention of me marrying again.  My husband crossed my path when I was 8 and he was 12, and again when I was 19.  His last words to the Hospice chaplain give me great comfort and fill my heart with peace.  I am good and like the other women in my family, have every  intention to live, and enjoy, the rest of my life alone.  

Just be supportive.

[DSD2]

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@Milo on qvc wrote:

My husband of 51 years passed away just over one year ago. I've gone through many stages of grieving. Am still grieving. If you want to show your friend compassion call her, 

meet with her for lunch, include her in activities with common friends. Don't leave her out of things you used to do with her, even though her husband has passed away. Do not bring subjects up  that are so personal about her future. She isn't even there. She's trying to move ahead and sometimes just getting out of bed is a challenge. 

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@Milo on qvc, my heartfelt condolences on the loss of your husband. Your loss is still raw I'm sure. Your advice was excellent...

[DSD2]

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@RedTop wrote:

@raspberrygal 

I lost my husband of 50 years nearly 9 months ago.  I took early retirement 13 years ago to be a caregiver due to his declining health and my mother in mid stages of dementia.  I lost both within 11 months.  

What I have appreciated most from my family and friends is space and time alone.  I do not find comfort in a group of people even if they are close to me.  My husband died here at home under Hospice care; 7 weeks of going 24/7, with a revolving front door, so my daughters and I were exhausted.  We needed rest.  I was totally worn out.

I appreciated the many beautiful cards and notes, the regular texts, and quick calls to check on us, letting us know we were in their thoughts and prayers, and ask if we needed anything.  It has been a great comfort to me to hear my loved ones comment on my strong faith, my overall strength and determination, my independence, along with their confidence I will move forward just fine based on how I've handled these last 13 years.  

The last thing I ever want to hear from my loved ones is any mention of me marrying again.  My husband crossed my path when I was 8 and he was 12, and again when I was 19.  His last words to the Hospice chaplain give me great comfort and fill my heart with peace.  I am good and like the other women in my family, have every  intention to live, and enjoy, the rest of my life alone.  

Just be supportive.

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@RedTop I am so sorry about the loss of your husband of 50 years as well as your mother. Thank you for your insightful perspective. You sound like a very strong, caring compassionate person. You offered thoughtful and caring advice. 

[Roscoe the Rascal]

I lost my husband of 50 years April of 2024 and has not been easy.  I think this year is harder than 2024 was.  It is hard to explain unless you have been there.

I don't want someone to constantly be around me and I do appreciate time alone but not forgotten either.    I have kept a journal on my ups and downs and that has helped me tremendously.  I also have one friend who has lost her spouse a few years back but she is remarried now.  

I am not looking to get married or start a new relationship.  I don't want someone new to just take the pain away but it would have to be someone to compliment me.  I just don't see that happening again.  

There is no time limit on grieving.  It isn't up to others to tell me what I should or need to do either.  I certainly would not pray for her to remarry.  That to me is coming from someone who has never been through this kind of loss.  

I lost my brother in January from Parkinson and dementia and my mother in law in March and a few others as well.  Life can be a challenge.  

[FancyPhillyshopper]

I just want to express my appreciation to the OP for trying to carefully and kindly consider how to navigate what seems like an unfamiliar situation.

The OP is certainly allowed to pray however he or she sees fit.

It is not unreasonable for younger people (and older people) to have lost a spouse to hope for love again, or wish the best for others. The OP is trying to be thoughtful.

Many of the responses seem a bit critical of the OP, which is not helpful, and does not allow the OP to learn how to respectfully engage with widows (or widowers). 

Yes, I send my deepest condolences to those who have lost spouses and loved ones, but there comes a certain time in life when almost all of us will experience some kind of loss, and all grieving is a part of life. That is a personal experience we will each navigate to the best of our abilities. 

Dear OP,  kindness is wonderful, and being an available friend as needed is better, IF that is an appropriate role for you.   You can just say that you are praying for her and the family.  Thank you for your concern.

[Forbidden Fruit]

OK, funny story but not.

One of my friends (adult, male in his 60's) told me that another man we know lost his wife.  This man was broken up about losing his wife.  After 6 months, the man was still grieving and my friend suggested he get a call girl.  The man and my friend got into a huge argument.  My friend asked me "what did I do wrong? He offended me by blowing up at me."  The 2 men are no longer friends. (Yes, I had to explain what was wrong.)

There is some wonderful solid advice given by people who experienced the heavy loss.  Whatever you do, don't suggest a paid companion.  Bad, bad idea.

Pray for comfort, peace for your friend.  God will take care of it.  Your friend has a heavy heart.  

[willowbark]

When my husband died, the sound that came from my vocal cords I had never heard before. Other people have passed away including family members and no such sound ever.  For those of you who have ever been in deep unrelenting emotional pain you know that sound too. Would never consider remarrying or just companionship as if I could ever trust someone I had only met. Never going to happen.  Once  you let someone into  your house good luck getting them out.