Community Chat

[151949]

I suppose it is all how you were raised.

I also can't imagine someone inviting people to the church but not the reception, but now a days anything goes. Emily Post would have a heart attack if she read some of the posts on this board.

[NYC Susan]

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@151949 wrote:

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@NYC Susan wrote:

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@151949 wrote:

When ever weddings are discussed on this board I am always amazed at the number of posters who seem to feel the sky is the limit on what someone should be willing to pay to be a guest at their wedding.Apparently many of the posters here have unlimited financial resources. Good for you all. 

We have a close family friend whose daughter is getting married in San Deigo this summer. The bride's Mom asked me if there was a chance we would go and I said no , we can't afford it for a one afternoon party. She was very understanding and said she is made a list of everyone she wanted to invite but is limited on space at the venue so she is asking all those on the A list if they are planning to actually attend so she can move up people from the B list if they aren't. She said it makes her sad how few of the oldest friends and family can't attend but the bride and groom had their hearts set on this venue in California. That is the chance you take with a destination wedding.

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An invitation is an invitation, not a command performance.  No one is forcing anyone to do anything they don't want to do, and no one is telling anyone to spend money they don't want to spend.

If I'm invited to a wedding, I don't see it as people telling me what I should be willing to pay.  I see it as an invitation to attend their wedding.  That's all.  If I want to go, if I'm able to go, if I can afford to go, I do.  If not, I don't.  With no ill will.  It's their day, and they can have whatever kind of wedding they want.  It's my choice if I attend or not.  Exactly the same as any other kind of invitation.

I've missed weddings because of the expense, because I couldn't get time off from work, because it conflicted with something else, all sorts of reasons.  But I never saw the need to get snarky just because someone else's wedding plans didn't work well for me.

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Once invited you are obligated for a gift if you attend or not.

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What does that have to do with the expenses involved in traveling to a wedding?  That's the topic that's being discussed here, and that's clearly what you were referring to in the post that I quoted.

And no, you are not "obligated" to to give a gift.  No one is forcing you to do anything if they choose to invite you to their weddding.  You can go, you can decline, you can give a gift, you cannot give a gift.  It's totally up to you.  It's customary, yes.  And it's a nice thing to do.  I prefer to think of invitations to weddings as something nice, and I am always happy to share in the joy of a new couple, either by attending and giving a gift or not attending and sending one.  But you don't have to do anything at all if you somehow feel offended that people have invited you. 

Honestly, I wouldn't want a gift from anyone who felt resentful about having to give me one.  And I certainly wouldn't want anyone at my wedding who was cranky about the money they had to spend to get there.

[NYC Susan]

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@KarenQVC wrote:

Oh, good grief, what is wrong with expecting a blowout reception if guests are expected to drag themselves over hill and dale?  If the venue is all that, let the fine champagne flow like water.

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That may be your expectation, but it's certainly not mine.

No one has to justify the money that I've chosen to spend.  No one has to make it worth my while.  I'm there for a wedding, and to judge how much money they spent is crass.  It's about the people, not the cost of flowers, or whether or not there's an open bar.  I can't imagine being so negative about where someone chooses to have their wedding that I would feel they owed me something for attending.

No one is expected to "drag themselves over hill and dale".  As many of us have said, an invitation is just an invitation.  Brides and grooms know that not everyone invited will attend, and that's not just for destination weddings.  Their only expectation when they send an invitation is that you will respond "I will attend" or "I'm unable to attend", not that you will empty out your bank account and arrive with an attitude that it's now on them to impress you and make it worth your while.

[sunshine45]

this thread is yet more proof that discussing weddings around here always leads to "interesting" and "unusual" thoughts and responses.

[NYC Susan]

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@151949 wrote:

I suppose it is all how you were raised.

I also can't imagine someone inviting people to the church but not the reception, but now a days anything goes. Emily Post would have a heart attack if she read some of the posts on this board.

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Yes a lot of it does depend on how we were raised.  And clearly some of us were raised to be gracious guests, and not to have the expectation that everyone else will plan their special occasions exactly the way that we want them to do.  I was raised to believe that sharing in the joy of a couple's wedding is a good and precious thing.  Regardless of how much money they spend, how much they've fallen all over themselves trying to impress me, or anything along those lines.  

I'm sure Emily Post would be quite distressed at some of the attitudes toward weddings here, most especially the negativity and ill will revolving around simply receiving an invitation.

[Plaid Pants2]

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@NYC Susan wrote:

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@151949 wrote:

I suppose it is all how you were raised.

I also can't imagine someone inviting people to the church but not the reception, but now a days anything goes. Emily Post would have a heart attack if she read some of the posts on this board.

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Yes a lot of it does depend on how we were raised.  And clearly some of us were raised to be gracious guests, and not to have the expectation that everyone else will plan their special occasions exactly the way that we want them to do.  I was raised to believe that sharing in the joy of a couple's wedding is a good and precious thing.  Regardless of how much money they spend, how much they've fallen all over themselves trying to impress me, or anything along those lines.  

I'm sure Emily Post would be quite distressed at some of the attitutudes toward weddings here, most especially the negativity and ill will revolving around simply receiving an invitation.

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I agree with you 100%! 

The wedding and reception is about the couple getting married. And if they want to have a picnic in a park as a reception, then that is their right to decide that.

Their is NO rule that says that the couple MUST cater to every whim and desire of the guests, and have an over-the-top blow-out party for the guests.

And anyone expecting that and thinks that it should be that way, is very self-centered.

[reiki604]

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@NYC Susan wrote:

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@151949 wrote:

I suppose it is all how you were raised.

I also can't imagine someone inviting people to the church but not the reception, but now a days anything goes. Emily Post would have a heart attack if she read some of the posts on this board.

---

Yes a lot of it does depend on how we were raised.  And clearly some of us were raised to be gracious guests, and not to have the expectation that everyone else will plan their special occasions exactly the way that we want them to do.  I was raised to believe that sharing in the joy of a couple's wedding is a good and precious thing.  Regardless of how much money they spend, how much they've fallen all over themselves trying to impress me, or anything along those lines.  

I'm sure Emily Post would be quite distressed at some of the attitutudes toward weddings here, most especially the negativity and ill will revolving around simply receiving an invitation.

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Brava!  The wedding and the day is all about the couple. Guests are there to celebrate their union and wish them a joyous life. As a guest it is my decision if I want to join them in their celebration and regardless of my decision, I am honored to have been included in their decision of who they wanted to celebrate with. A wedding is a celebration of hope and love. I refuse to allow the darker emotions cloud my experience. Negative people should stay home and not throw a damper on a day full of light and love.

[italia8140]

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@NYC Susan wrote:

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@151949 wrote:

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@NYC Susan wrote:

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@151949 wrote:

When ever weddings are discussed on this board I am always amazed at the number of posters who seem to feel the sky is the limit on what someone should be willing to pay to be a guest at their wedding.Apparently many of the posters here have unlimited financial resources. Good for you all. 

We have a close family friend whose daughter is getting married in San Deigo this summer. The bride's Mom asked me if there was a chance we would go and I said no , we can't afford it for a one afternoon party. She was very understanding and said she is made a list of everyone she wanted to invite but is limited on space at the venue so she is asking all those on the A list if they are planning to actually attend so she can move up people from the B list if they aren't. She said it makes her sad how few of the oldest friends and family can't attend but the bride and groom had their hearts set on this venue in California. That is the chance you take with a destination wedding.

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An invitation is an invitation, not a command performance.  No one is forcing anyone to do anything they don't want to do, and no one is telling anyone to spend money they don't want to spend.

If I'm invited to a wedding, I don't see it as people telling me what I should be willing to pay.  I see it as an invitation to attend their wedding.  That's all.  If I want to go, if I'm able to go, if I can afford to go, I do.  If not, I don't.  With no ill will.  It's their day, and they can have whatever kind of wedding they want.  It's my choice if I attend or not.  Exactly the same as any other kind of invitation.

I've missed weddings because of the expense, because I couldn't get time off from work, because it conflicted with something else, all sorts of reasons.  But I never saw the need to get snarky just because someone else's wedding plans didn't work well for me.

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Once invited you are obligated for a gift if you attend or not.

---

What does that have to do with the expenses involved in traveling to a wedding?  That's the topic that's being discussed here, and that's clearly what you were referring to in the post that I quoted.

And no, you are not "obligated" to to give a gift.  No one is forcing you to do anything if they choose to invite you to their weddding.  You can go, you can decline, you can give a gift, you cannot give a gift.  It's totally up to you.  It's customary, yes.  And it's a nice thing to do.  I prefer to think of invitations to weddings as something nice, and I am always happy to share in the joy of a new couple, either by attending and giving a gift or not attending and sending one.  But you don't have to do anything at all if you somehow feel offended that people have invited you. 

Honestly, I wouldn't want a gift from anyone who felt resentful about having to give me one.  And I certainly wouldn't want anyone at my wedding who was cranky about the money they had to spend to get there.

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100% AGREE.

[ValuSkr]

Following so much controversy, I think the couple should hold a small, private wedding or else elope.  Some people will send gifts regardless, so no worries there.