Community Chat

[Witchy Woman]

What I found is there is never a lack of advice of what to do

Some are flabergasted that a woman would leave with nothing but her kids and clothes.  Others say wring every last cent out of the spouse, get this or that and make him/her pay.  Ok, if that works for you. 

I knew I wanted out and didn't want to spend years in hateful wrangling so I took what the law allowed and asked for nothing more.  I even left him the good, brass Stiffel lamps

I think it is important to do what works for you and meets your needs.  It's wise to think about retirement or money or furniture, but sometimes, it's just easier on the heart and soul to walk away.

I'm not recommending anyone should hand over the keys to the kingdom and smile about it, but until you've lived through it, only YOU know what's gonna work.

I applaud any woman who manages to get through the process and find happiness on the other side.

[queendiva]

Maybe true for you, but I don't understand why it was a choice of money (alimony) or physical custody of the children. Many claim both- and the dog.

Decisions  need not and should not be made in a hurry. OP was married for 17 years. She needs to take plenty of time to learn what she is legally entitled to and understand that her choices will inpact all the days of her remaining life. Not easy, but very important.

[LilacTree]

What an understanding response Witchy Woman.  In my case, I had no reason to hate my ex-husband, he could not help what he was.  Since I was the one who ended the marriage and took the children (after all, he loved them too) I didn't feel it necessary to twist the knife any further.  The alimony wouldn't have made much difference, he was not yet making good money, although he did later on.  My father was kind to me, he let me stay for nothing until I was able to get a job (my beloved mom had died three years prior).  My children were still very young (3-7, four and a half years apart).  I felt nothing but sadness at the choice I had to make and it was not made lightly.  But I had to leave to save my sanity.  That's about all I can say here.

Your response shows the rare trait of understanding and no judging.  That's not common with some around here.  Thank you from me and on behalf of whomever you may have helped regarding this sad topic.

[Mmsfoxxie]

Make sure you have a very good lawyer, @kitten809in, especially if there is a pension involved.  I divorced my ex at 30 yrs of marriage but found out ten years later when I wanted to get my supposed reserved pension funds that his pension fund was not aware of me and therefore denied my claim.  I had my correct paper work but the name of my ex's fund was not exactly correct. When it comes to pensions, that is a big deal.

I tried to find my original lawyer but no where to be found, probably dead since he was old already in 1998 or moved to Florida.  I had to hire another lawyer to fix it.  Took 3 or 4 years and another attorney fee to get my pension.  I was initially supposed to get a lump sum but ended up getting a monthly pension amount instead which, if I live long enough might end of being a better deal.  The stress of years not knowing if I would get what had been promised wore me out. So for one divorce, I had to pay twice.

[Vickiv]

 Good luck to you. I hope all goes well. It'll be a new adventure you will find yourself again. You will learn to be happy and wonder why you waited so long. I wish for you a great future ahead and many pleasant memories to discover.

[YorkieonmyPillow]

Sometimes people will make a flip remark when their emotions are churning inside and they don't want to betray that.

He could've been all torn up and hiding it.

[missy1]

IMO it's important for women to have a career or something in case you divorce.( It is hard to find a job when you are older than 40). Don't say it will never happen. Just because you are awarded alimony and child support doesn't mean you will  actually get it.  (especially if the ex is self-employed) Also, the ex can change jobs or quit, and go back to court and lessen the amounts. (hardship)

Women (generalization) usually want the house and the kids. But like a poster said if you can't make the payments you have a big problem. Don't rush the divorce papers.

[sharlee]

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@Tinkrbl44 wrote:

@kitten809in

SO sorry you are going through this, but, although it is unfortunate, you hope for a better future and now you're moving through it. 

Years ago I used to facilitate divorce support groups and I can say this .... get help to stay strong and deal with the emotional rollercoaster.  There's some great books out there on dealing with emotions, so read a few of them.

One more thing ...... keep remembering that  NOTHING in single life is as bad as a bad marriage.

HTH

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@Tinkrbl44, re the last sentence of your post - truer words were never spoken!

[LilacTree]

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@missy1 wrote:

IMO it's important for women to have a career or something in case you divorce.( It is hard to find a job when you are older than 40). Don't say it will never happen. Just because you are awarded alimony and child support doesn't mean you will  actually get it.  (especially if the ex is self-employed) Also, the ex can change jobs or quit, and go back to court and lessen the amounts. (hardship)

Wome usually want the house and the kids. But like a poster said if you can't make the payments you have a big problem. Don't rush the divorce papers.

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So so so SO very true!!  I am close to two women who are still fighting years after their divorces to get what they were awarded.  Despite what they say, they don't throw these guys in jail for not following through.  Instead one spends her life in court and often winds up with nothing anyway. 

[ladyroxanne]

@kitten809in

welcome to the boards!  i hope all works out for you and wish you a very bright future!

i hope too see you soon.