Community Chat

[Greeneyedlady21]

Also would anyone say they wouldn't marry someone with diabetes, cardiovascular disease, any and all hereditary disorders and diseases? Maybe some people would say that, I suppose. But it's ok to say that about mental health disorders? The stigma still exists.

[sunny beach]

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@Isobel Archer wrote:

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@suzyQ3 wrote:

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@Isobel Archer wrote:

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@151949 wrote:

Boy , people on this board surely give up on a marriage easily. I guess "For richer or poorer, in sickness & in health, ...as long as we both shall live." doesn't mean to some as much as it does to others.  I stood up and swore those vows to my DH & "in the face of God." I take them very seriously.They are simple and clear - there is no interpreting them.

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Not to take this off topic, but you should read the Grantchester thread.  There, some folks think that the Church - and God - have it all wrong about adultery.  If you "fall in love" with  someone other than your spouse, then you should just go for it.  Sad.

Being personally happy is everything.  So it is no wonder than mental - or probably physical - illness is also seen as a good reason to leave.  The big problem for this woman seems to be that her husband is the breadwinner (at least for now) and how will she manage if she leaves him.

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@, well, since you did take it off topic, I will reply off topic as well. I happen to be a big proponent of personal happiness. Of course, it needs to be balanced by the needs of those whom you love. We all do that every day, I'm sure.

But I do not believe that every marriage must last until death do part the couple. If one or the other does decide that  someone else is their soulmate, they have to make a decision.

Do they decide to spend their life with a person they feel is their soulmate, or do they remain in a marriage devoid of that very special love they have with another?

People get divorced all the time for a myriad of very justifiable reasons. Why should this not apply as well?

And as for those appalled at the fact some some married people stray, please look up the stats. If a marriage is sound, a couple can work through it. If it is a serial occurrence, then the offended party needs to decide whether to pack it up or whether to live in such a relationship.

There are no black-and-white answers to any of this stuff.

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The wedding vows should probably be rewritten to simply say - I love you today.  If I meet someone better, well I'm out of here.  If you get sick and I think it's too much trouble, I am likewise gone.  But I'm here today so let's have kids - hopefully they won't get sick or be too much trouble either, but we'll just have to see.

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And unfortunately for some, the vows pertaining to better or worse would br edited to include that you could be scared for life.......Mental illness knows no limits.

[occasionalrain]

There is a big difference between an inherited physical disorder and a mental one. Mishandling the physical one harms only the one affected while mishandling the mental one may result in the death of one's children, coworkers, even strangers just waiting for their train. It's unreasonable to equate physical illness with mental illness or to expect others to accept that they are the same.

[Cakers3]

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@occasionalrain wrote:

There is a big difference between an inherited physical disorder and a mental one. Mishandling the physical one harms only the one affected while mishandling the mental one may result in the death of one's children, coworkers, even strangers just waiting for their train. It's unreasonable to equate physical illness with mental illness or to expect others to accept that they are the same.

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@occasionalrain  I understand your point but the heart wants what the heart wants.

I think it's a bit off base to say that if a family member has some form of mental illness that the potential for a good marriage should automatically be nixed.

An inherited physical disorder can be a problem if the couple is considering having children-meaning the carrying of a gene for certain conditions, so it doesn't just affect the person who has a physical disorder.

If we are going to project a future manifistation of a mental illness on a potential spouse based on another family member then we are saying that people from families with mental illness do not warrant getting married.

Your choice would be your choice; others would view this in a different manner.

[chiclet]

Four kids in ten years....Its a shame she did not see this coming before having all those children.  No one really knows what goes on in another family so I have no idea what I would do.  I think definitely separate the kids from him.

[stuyvesant]

If my spouse had a gambling problem - I would leave.

If my spouse had a drug problem - I would leave.

If my spouse had a spending problem - (to the extend that it's an addiction, because that's what we are talking about here ) - I would leave.

We are all familiar with people who HAVE to have things that maybe aren't in the budget. The sort of purchases that don't announce to the world we have disposable income, but rather that we want to look that way.

It doesn't make sense to me that anybody would feel that you have to stay with an out of control individual for the sake of the kids.  I think most people would feel you're using the kids as an excuse - and thus, the cycle continues.

[Greeneyedlady21]

Mishandling a physical disorder/disease does not only affect the person who has it. It creates stress for family members due to worry, it creates stress due to caregiving, it creates stress due to loss of income. And more.

What about mental disorders that are physical disorders, due to biochemical imbalances?

Also as for money issues, there is an actual term of financial abuse in a marriage/relationship. Controlling the other with money and spending. Not saying that's what this man is doing, because apparently he can't stop due to his mental illness that is not being treated properly. But financial abuse is a real thing, being controlled by another via money is a real thing.

[wildcat fan]

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@Greeneyedlady21 wrote:

Also would anyone say they wouldn't marry someone with diabetes, cardiovascular disease, any and all hereditary disorders and diseases? Maybe some people would say that, I suppose. But it's ok to say that about mental health disorders? The stigma still exists.

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Healthcare professionals wouldn't treat them the same, so why should a potential bride/groom look at them the same way?  If I went to visit someone who was hospitalized due to diabetes complications, there's a chance that person could be placed near a patient who's hospitalized for a cardiovascular disease.  However, neither would be placed close to the patient with the severe mental disorder who would be closely monitored in a locked psych unit and possibly restrained.  There's a significant difference.

[Cakers3]

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@Greeneyedlady21 wrote:

Mishandling a physical disorder/disease does not only affect the person who has it. It creates stress for family members due to worry, it creates stress due to caregiving, it creates stress due to loss of income. And more.

What about mental disorders that are physical disorders, due to biochemical imbalances?

Also as for money issues, there is an actual term of financial abuse in a marriage/relationship. Controlling the other with money and spending. Not saying that's what this man is doing, because apparently he can't stop due to his mental illness that is not being treated properly. But financial abuse is a real thing, being controlled by another via money is a real thing.

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@Greeneyedlady21  Exactly and even if the physical disorder/disease is not mishandled there is still the stress of caregiving, doctor appts, hospital stays, income issue-the list goes on. 

You know-I'm doing this right now for not 1 but 2 loved ones.  It's not easy.

[Greeneyedlady21]

The current DSM,5, includes the following in mental health disorders in adults-anxiety, depression, ADHD, PTSD, eating disorders, OCD, social anxiety, panic disorder, seasonal affective disorder. And much more.

It's just a very broad blanket statement to say one wouldn't marry someone who had a mental health disorder. And looking at the DSM, it certainly narrows the pool of available people. It's a big jump to go from a mental health disorder to being locked in a psychiatric ward, with the treatments that are available today. Of course if stigma causes someone to avoid getting treatment, or inability to pay does...that causes a host of problems and things get much worse.