Re: Would you stay?

itiswhatitis · ‎05-27-2016

@Bonanzajellybean wrote:
@itiswhatitis wrote:
@Bonanzajellybean wrote:
I think you were asking what if we would stay or go in this situation so I'll limit my comments to that.
It would depend how long it was going on and if the person wanted to get better or kept resisting treatment and medications. I would not give up until this person, over the course of time, made no effort to get better despite my attempts to help and stop enabling. How long? I don't know exactly.

If if I felt my children or I were in danger I would leave, hopefully temporarily, but if necessary file for a divorce if there situation remained the same.
@GenXmuse makes sense theoretically, but people with mental illness are often in self denial. What a sufferer might want to do and what he is capable of doing is totally different. It's not like concious decision toward losing wait based on sheer will. For the mental health paitient it is much more complicated.
Okay. This is still what I would do.

No not exactly. You can't tell if they truly want to get better or not, so your decision can't be based on that. You'd be going with your gut instincts which would be fine @GenXmuse.

*Call Tyrone*

NycVixen · ‎10-15-2010

I'm a strong believer in marriage vows especially those given before G*d, which is how I was married.

I believe in better or for worse. When I love, it's completely. But I don't think that means one should also drown nor the children if it's avoidable. Why have more than one victim? Mental anguish, abuse and trauma can lead to more mental illness in the same manner that domestic violence can sometimes become a vicious cycle.

It's entirely possible that she can choose to remain married, honor her marriage vows of in sickness and in health while sparing herself and her children. There shouldn't be any collateral damage.

How can she even help him if she's under siege? She needs to get out of the eye of the storm so she can be mentally and emotionally equipped to lend the support needed for the benefit of her spouse and her marriage.

I simply stated the harsh truth that I learned from speaking to people I know and from my research. There are times when the spouse has no choice but to walk away in order to save themselves. A big part of mental illness is not accepting that you're sick so treatment goes to the wayside. One can pray and have hope but it shouldn't be the only solution.

G*d helps those that help themselves.

~Live with Intention~

GenXmuse · ‎05-15-2016

@itiswhatitis wrote:
@Bonanzajellybean wrote:
@itiswhatitis wrote:
@Bonanzajellybean wrote:
I think you were asking what if we would stay or go in this situation so I'll limit my comments to that.
It would depend how long it was going on and if the person wanted to get better or kept resisting treatment and medications. I would not give up until this person, over the course of time, made no effort to get better despite my attempts to help and stop enabling. How long? I don't know exactly.

If if I felt my children or I were in danger I would leave, hopefully temporarily, but if necessary file for a divorce if there situation remained the same.
@GenXmuse makes sense theoretically, but people with mental illness are often in self denial. What a sufferer might want to do and what he is capable of doing is totally different. It's not like concious decision toward losing wait based on sheer will. For the mental health paitient it is much more complicated.
Okay. This is still what I would do.
No not exactly. You can't tell if they truly want to get better or not, so your decision can't be based on that. You'd be going with your gut instincts which would be fine @GenXmuse.

I'm not sure I understand the " no, not exactly" part of your response. I would not stay in a relationship like this indefinitely and would expect resistance to help but if there was no progress in getting better, whether that means the person wants to or not I won't Share a chaotic life with someone forever.

wildcat fan · ‎03-23-2010

@151949 wrote:
Boy , people on this board surely give up on a marriage easily. I guess "For richer or poorer, in sickness & in health, ...as long as we both shall live." doesn't mean to some as much as it does to others. I stood up and swore those vows to my DH & "in the face of God." I take them very seriously.They are simple and clear - there is no interpreting them.

I attended a party to celebrate my great grandparents' 80th wedding anniversary. All grandparents' marriages separated by death with more than 50 years of marriage each. My parents have surpassed 50 and my husband and I are approaching 25.

However, I have a relative who divorced after 20. How it lasted that long was because she took her wedding vows seriously, had counseling (professional and at church), anguished over how a divorce would affect her children. Fact is her husband was an abusive spendthrift and a rotten father and husband. I'm so relieved to know that man is out of her house, and it's wonderful to see her smile again. Divorce is a difficult painful decision, but a good one in that situation.

Your comment @151949 is incredibly presumptuous and insensitive. No way do I believe the "people on this board surely give up on a marriage easily." Every situation is unique, and it's wrong to make assumptions and stereotype about members of this community.

Shorty2U · ‎03-09-2010

@Bri36 wrote:
No one can answer that but her

It sounds like he needs medical help and the right medications. She needs a lot of support during this time

As long as he is "no threat" as in to "physically hurt" her or the chidren, I agree with what Bri said and I would insist he gets the right help and not stop until he does as in finds a good Dr. And she needs outside professional support also.

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make~ The Beatles

nunya · ‎03-09-2010

That is tough one. I wouldn't leave because of illness, however I am a firm believer if you cheat on your spouse, you also cheat on your family. He is ill, but he knows where he calls home, so he knows he's married. Wrong is wrong. Sounds like he needs extensive help. How awful for the wife trying to help him and he in turn cheats on her.

Isobel Archer · ‎04-04-2015

@151949 wrote:
Boy , people on this board surely give up on a marriage easily. I guess "For richer or poorer, in sickness & in health, ...as long as we both shall live." doesn't mean to some as much as it does to others. I stood up and swore those vows to my DH & "in the face of God." I take them very seriously.They are simple and clear - there is no interpreting them.

Not to take this off topic, but you should read the Grantchester thread. There, some folks think that the Church - and God - have it all wrong about adultery. If you "fall in love" with someone other than your spouse, then you should just go for it. Sad.

Being personally happy is everything. So it is no wonder than mental - or probably physical - illness is also seen as a good reason to leave. The big problem for this woman seems to be that her husband is the breadwinner (at least for now) and how will she manage if she leaves him.

CouponQueen · ‎10-21-2010

Wow..there goes the mental health stigma again..with I would not marry somebody with family history...

Yes, genetics play a role sometimes but with the right medication and treatment MANY live normal - relatively happy/healthy lives with families.

The issues are the stigma..the "he's crazy...she's nuts.." If your spouse had a history of heart disease or diabetes would you feel differently? Not curable either but treatable..but if you don't take your meds, eat healthy - exercise you can harm your health and die...

This is why Mental Illness is so stigmatized.

The biggest issue I see after the safety of the children..is the affairs..that is a deal breaker period in most relationships..and you don't have to be mentally ill either. It happens all the time. That is the issue what would be the deciding factor.

First off if she loves him then he needs all the support he can get. He needs to be taken off all access to financial accounts. He needs the right treatment and medication. If she chooses to leave him - she can be decent enough to make sure he stays on her health insurance.

The children need to be safe and secure. I am sure they know that Daddy has issues. sometimes lying and shielding isn't the best course. Honesty is..Mental Illness is serious like any disease but with the right support, therapy and medication combo you can lead a decent life. You can certainly stablize..it takes time and effort and SUPPORT to find the right treatment combo... She needs to step up and not allow these things..financials should be out of his hands and contact..

This is coming from 30-years working in the field. I have seen it all..the good, bad and ugly..but the ignorant blanket statements i read really make me upset. Nobody would say your fat and I wouldn't marry a fat person as genetics play a role..or you're ugly with big ears and I don't want my kids to be ugly with big ears. Bullies come in all shape and sizes.

In 30-years I have worked in direct, indirect, community, courts, law and Triage (think ER but psych)...and the biggest problem is ignorance and stigma. There are signs in the cars, our office and motto..

FOR THE GRACE OF GOD GO I... think about it. Doesn't mean you have to be 'genetics..'..could be a car accident, bump on the head, early onset dementia...stroke anything that could lead to mental health issues...before judging ...step back and think.

colliegirls · ‎05-13-2012

I would have to leave. Enough is enough.

missy1 · ‎03-10-2010

@nunya wrote:
That is tough one. I wouldn't leave because of illness, however I am a firm believer if you cheat on your spouse, you also cheat on your family. He is ill, but he knows where he calls home, so he knows he's married. Wrong is wrong. Sounds like he needs extensive help. How awful for the wife trying to help him and he in turn cheats on her.

'I must have overlooked the cheating part, and concentrated more on the mental health aspect. That alone, would cause me to file separation or a divorce.

The wife is staying with her husband to be on her health insurance through her work.

(I am thinking with the grandfathered clause, she may work for the big box store).

Not sure I would stay around for this reason.