Community Chat

[Laura14]

I honestly couldn't disagree with Psychology Today more.  Maybe we have different definitions of grudges.  I think the martyr victimhood scenario is few and far between.  I think most people stop communication and distance themselves because they have learned not to take that stuff anymore and/or they don't know how to communicate appropriately with one another going forward and they just don't seek out the help to repair it.  

Needing a break from toxicity is not a grudge in my opinion and no one is ever under any obligation to have someone in their life, even those closest to us, if they can't behave respectfully with you.

Now if you are going out of your way to make somebody miserable because they wronged you in some way, that is my definition of a grudge and it's immature and expensive in terms of your own personal time and your own mental health.  Grow up, move on, and let karma find them.  With any luck, you'll have a front row seat when it happens.

[Karnerblue]

After reading many responses, I'm not even sure I know what a grudge is anymore.  Is it different for everyone?

[2blonde]

I think some of us here are missing the point.  Holding a "grudge" or holding anger toward someone does very little, if anything to hurt them.  The pain is felt only by the person holding the grudge as they replay it over and over in the mind.

I have a co-worker who is never happy because she is so wrapped up in who did this or that to her, and how life is so unfair, etc.  I've tried every way I can over the years to get her to just accept that life is not going to be fair and people are not always going to behave the way she thinks they should.......but I realized changing her was hopeless.  Now, I just listen and feed her the sympathy she is seeking that likely was missed when she was growing up in an unloving family. 

[ROMARY]

Sometimes we have to ignore people; just mentally walk on by, carry on with our own lives.  That's all we can do, sometimes.

[straykatz]

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@2blonde wrote:

The pain is felt only by the person holding the grudge as they replay it over and over in the mind.

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I believe this to be true.   In most cases the one the grudge is being held towards has no idea, has moved on, or doesn't care.   

[ROMARY]

Sometimes the other person/people are immature, playing 'games', obsessive, uncontrollable jealousy, etc..  And sometimes, they do 'outgrow' their behavior, eventually.  Sometimes the things that they once criticized, they, themselves do (or their kids/grandkids) do the exact same thing. Could be many years later, even down the line.  IN THE MEANWHILE, we have to just ignore them, carry on with enjoying our own lives.  I like the 'No harm done' theory. 

[Chrystaltree2]

One of the truly good things about turning 50 is that I let that grudge thing go.  I no longer carry that dead weight around with me.  It is soooo freeing!  Grudges and feuds are for the young and the emotionally immature.  The rest of us naturally grow out of that foolishness. 

[Chrystaltree2]

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@newziesuzie wrote:

There's a perpetual "victimhood" that goes with 

actual grudges imho.

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I agree.  It's no coincidence that people who are into grudges and feuds always have something going with someone.....their battle armor is always on. 

[ROMARY]

It's a good idea to always remember that we should be very proud and grateful that we aren't like them.  (Being more aware of ourselves is a good idea.  It builds character.)