Community Chat

[adelle38]

"The "event" was getting her drug-addicted sister to rehab. The two girls are my nieces, and their mother (my sister) is deceased. I have tried to be there for them (along with their other sister and brother) since my sister's death.

I can forgive her, but I cannot continue to give and give and give in a variety of ways now that I know what her attitude is.

I appreciate your comments"

If I were you, I'd give it some time and then sit down and have a talk with your niece about your feelings. If her sister is an addict, she's probably having all sorts of feelings about changing her life to deal with the addiction. Take some time to focus on yourself and your friends and give yourself a breather.

[JustJazzmom]

Is there a way of removing yourself completely-- finding another job that doesn't have your family members as part of the job situation?

As others have said, I would definitely pull back and if you get dragged into it again, keep saying to the parties, I do not want to referee this and politely hang up.

[Jannabelle]

This may have already been said, ..but sometimes the more you try to help someone the more they expect, , it becomes like they feel,like you owe it to them to be there in every way ....and sometimes you have to,( and only you can know, )but you have to say enough is enough I am important too.,..,.and you are.

[Jazzybelle]

On 12/8/2014 sidsmom said:

On 12/8/2014 jazzybelle said:

On 12/8/2014 sidsmom said:

Sounds like everyone is saying the same thing...I'm no different. It's time to remove yourself from this toxic relationship. No reason to 'talk it out' or get upset...just not being available is the best way to handle it. Doing it now will set the tone for 2015...the Year for a Stronger, more Empowered, jazzybelle!!

Thank you. The biggest problem is that I have grown very close to her children. Her husband's parents live in another state, and her mother is deceased. They have little support so I was trying to be there for them as much as I could.

So sorry about your sister....that definitely adds another big layer of emotion none of us were expecting. But, I still feel like distance needs to occur for you to live a more enriched life. Are our recommendations something your sweet sissy would approve of? What would she say if she were here?

Oh dear, there is so much dysfunction... When my sister was alive, due to parental damage when growing up, she was minimally available to her children. I was my sister's primary caregiver while she was going through cancer (she lived with me for a year), and her children helped very little as a result of hurt they felt from their childhood. I'm really not sure what my sister would advise, but I really do feel I need to concentrate on what is best for me instead of always putting others' needs above my own - even in family matters.

[WenGirl42]

On 12/8/2014 jazzybelle said:

On 12/8/2014 magicmoodz said:

jazzybelle, I am sorry you are feeling let down by a close family member. There is nothing more stinging than relationship issues.

Not knowing the details, could it possibly be that you place more importance on the "event" than she does? While you have made yourself available to her in so many ways, emotionally, physically (babysitting) and financially, I understand you feel she should accommodate your request. However, if the "event" is something that she sees as flexible and easily re-scheduled with no hardship to anyone, there is obviously a difference in priorities.

If you can't find it in your heart to let it go, perhaps the best thing is for you to remove yourself from the relationship for a bit.

The "event" was getting her drug-addicted sister to rehab. The two girls are my nieces, and their mother (my sister) is deceased. I have tried to be there for them (along with their other sister and brother) since my sister's death.

I can forgive her, but I cannot continue to give and give and give in a variety of ways now that I know what her attitude is.

I appreciate your comments.

This confirms what I said earlier. What you are expecting of her is not fair nor appropriate. She is the functional and responsible one, and her sister is the drug addict. Her primary obligation is to HER family (husband and child), and it is not her job to sacrifice herself for her adult sister. It's not your job to sacrifice yourself for her sister either, but that is a choice you are willing to make. That she isn't may be disappointing to you, but it doesn't and shouldn't have anything to do with your relationship with her at all.

[Jazzybelle]

On 12/8/2014 JustJazzmom said:

Is there a way of removing yourself completely-- finding another job that doesn't have your family members as part of the job situation?

As others have said, I would definitely pull back and if you get dragged into it again, keep saying to the parties, I do not want to referee this and politely hang up.

I'm sorry if I was confusing about work. I work 11-12 hours a week at my part-time job. I was "working" with my niece to help get her sister to rehab. We do not work together at a job. She is a stay-at-home mother.

[QueenDanceALot]

On 12/8/2014 jazzybelle said:

On 12/8/2014 sidsmom said:

On 12/8/2014 jazzybelle said:

On 12/8/2014 sidsmom said:

Sounds like everyone is saying the same thing...I'm no different. It's time to remove yourself from this toxic relationship. No reason to 'talk it out' or get upset...just not being available is the best way to handle it. Doing it now will set the tone for 2015...the Year for a Stronger, more Empowered, jazzybelle!!

Thank you. The biggest problem is that I have grown very close to her children. Her husband's parents live in another state, and her mother is deceased. They have little support so I was trying to be there for them as much as I could.

So sorry about your sister....that definitely adds another big layer of emotion none of us were expecting. But, I still feel like distance needs to occur for you to live a more enriched life. Are our recommendations something your sweet sissy would approve of? What would she say if she were here?

Oh dear, there is so much dysfunction... When my sister was alive, due to parental damage when growing up, she was minimally available to her children. I was my sister's primary caregiver while she was going through cancer (she lived with me for a year), and her children helped very little as a result of hurt they felt from their childhood. I'm really not sure what my sister would advise, but I really do feel I need to concentrate on what is best for me instead of always putting others' needs above my own - even in family matters.

Then that is what you should do.

If you continue to give to a woman who has told you that her needs supercede yours, you will only build more resentment towards her.

And I think you have every right to look out for yourself.

[Jazzybelle]

On 12/8/2014 WenGirl42 said:

On 12/8/2014 jazzybelle said:

On 12/8/2014 magicmoodz said:

jazzybelle, I am sorry you are feeling let down by a close family member. There is nothing more stinging than relationship issues.

Not knowing the details, could it possibly be that you place more importance on the "event" than she does? While you have made yourself available to her in so many ways, emotionally, physically (babysitting) and financially, I understand you feel she should accommodate your request. However, if the "event" is something that she sees as flexible and easily re-scheduled with no hardship to anyone, there is obviously a difference in priorities.

If you can't find it in your heart to let it go, perhaps the best thing is for you to remove yourself from the relationship for a bit.

The "event" was getting her drug-addicted sister to rehab. The two girls are my nieces, and their mother (my sister) is deceased. I have tried to be there for them (along with their other sister and brother) since my sister's death.

I can forgive her, but I cannot continue to give and give and give in a variety of ways now that I know what her attitude is.

I appreciate your comments.

This confirms what I said earlier. What you are expecting of her is not fair nor appropriate. She is the functional and responsible one, and her sister is the drug addict. Her primary obligation is to HER family (husband and child), and it is not her job to sacrifice herself for her adult sister. It's not your job to sacrifice yourself for her sister either, but that is a choice you are willing to make. That she isn't may be disappointing to you, but it doesn't and shouldn't have anything to do with your relationship with her at all.

WenGirl, I appreciate your comments, but you are confused about the facts. The functional niece and I were working together to accomplish getting her sister to rehab. The week leading up to taking her to rehab was stressful just because of the amount of things to be accomplished. I accommodated my functional niece's schedule completely and without complaint for the entire week. When the day came to take the one that was going to rehab, the two of them had a disagreement about the schedule for the day. I was trying to work out a compromise to help everyone and to reduce my stress level. The functional niece refused to budge one little bit - even though she knew because I had told her that I was so stressed I was just trying to make it through the process. I had made her needs important so I needed for her to be compassionate to the small thing I was asking so as to help reduce my stress level.

[WenGirl42]

On 12/8/2014 jazzybelle said:

On 12/8/2014 WenGirl42 said:

On 12/8/2014 jazzybelle said:

On 12/8/2014 magicmoodz said:

jazzybelle, I am sorry you are feeling let down by a close family member. There is nothing more stinging than relationship issues.

Not knowing the details, could it possibly be that you place more importance on the "event" than she does? While you have made yourself available to her in so many ways, emotionally, physically (babysitting) and financially, I understand you feel she should accommodate your request. However, if the "event" is something that she sees as flexible and easily re-scheduled with no hardship to anyone, there is obviously a difference in priorities.

If you can't find it in your heart to let it go, perhaps the best thing is for you to remove yourself from the relationship for a bit.

The "event" was getting her drug-addicted sister to rehab. The two girls are my nieces, and their mother (my sister) is deceased. I have tried to be there for them (along with their other sister and brother) since my sister's death.

I can forgive her, but I cannot continue to give and give and give in a variety of ways now that I know what her attitude is.

I appreciate your comments.

This confirms what I said earlier. What you are expecting of her is not fair nor appropriate. She is the functional and responsible one, and her sister is the drug addict. Her primary obligation is to HER family (husband and child), and it is not her job to sacrifice herself for her adult sister. It's not your job to sacrifice yourself for her sister either, but that is a choice you are willing to make. That she isn't may be disappointing to you, but it doesn't and shouldn't have anything to do with your relationship with her at all.

WenGirl, I appreciate your comments, but you are confused about the facts. The functional niece and I were working together to accomplish getting her sister to rehab. The week leading up to taking her to rehab was stressful just because of the amount of things to be accomplished. I accommodated my functional niece's schedule completely and without complaint for the entire week. When the day came to take the one that was going to rehab, the two of them had a disagreement about the schedule for the day. I was trying to work out a compromise to help everyone and to reduce my stress level. The functional niece refused to budge one little bit - even though she knew because I had told her that I was so stressed I was just trying to make it through the process. I had made her needs important so I needed for her to be compassionate to the small thing I was asking so as to help reduce my stress level.

But you've wrapped it all up into something you're taking personally, and I still don't think that's fair. It's not you she wasn't willing to accommodate...it was her sister, and she had already given a lot of time and attention to that matter (time and energy she took away from her family, and time and energy that appears to have been unappreciated, certainly by her sister, and maybe by you). Was it possible for her to "compromise" on the schedule on that same day without in any way impacting her family? If it wasn't, she was right not to do so. Even if it would have been possible, can you put yourself in her shoes? Why weren't you pressuring the addicted sister instead?

[magicmoodz]

On 12/8/2014 jazzybelle said:

On 12/8/2014 WenGirl42 said:

On 12/8/2014 jazzybelle said:

On 12/8/2014 magicmoodz said:

jazzybelle, I am sorry you are feeling let down by a close family member. There is nothing more stinging than relationship issues.

Not knowing the details, could it possibly be that you place more importance on the "event" than she does? While you have made yourself available to her in so many ways, emotionally, physically (babysitting) and financially, I understand you feel she should accommodate your request. However, if the "event" is something that she sees as flexible and easily re-scheduled with no hardship to anyone, there is obviously a difference in priorities.

If you can't find it in your heart to let it go, perhaps the best thing is for you to remove yourself from the relationship for a bit.

The "event" was getting her drug-addicted sister to rehab. The two girls are my nieces, and their mother (my sister) is deceased. I have tried to be there for them (along with their other sister and brother) since my sister's death.

I can forgive her, but I cannot continue to give and give and give in a variety of ways now that I know what her attitude is.

I appreciate your comments.

This confirms what I said earlier. What you are expecting of her is not fair nor appropriate. She is the functional and responsible one, and her sister is the drug addict. Her primary obligation is to HER family (husband and child), and it is not her job to sacrifice herself for her adult sister. It's not your job to sacrifice yourself for her sister either, but that is a choice you are willing to make. That she isn't may be disappointing to you, but it doesn't and shouldn't have anything to do with your relationship with her at all.

WenGirl, I appreciate your comments, but you are confused about the facts. The functional niece and I were working together to accomplish getting her sister to rehab. The week leading up to taking her to rehab was stressful just because of the amount of things to be accomplished. I accommodated my functional niece's schedule completely and without complaint for the entire week. When the day came to take the one that was going to rehab, the two of them had a disagreement about the schedule for the day. I was trying to work out a compromise to help everyone and to reduce my stress level. The functional niece refused to budge one little bit - even though she knew because I had told her that I was so stressed I was just trying to make it through the process. I had made her needs important so I needed for her to be compassionate to the small thing I was asking so as to help reduce my stress level.

jazzybelle, while not easy, I am glad you shared a bit more so I can better put things in perspective. Now that I am aware of the facts, I understand completely your sadness that your niece was not willing to accommodate you and, most importantly, getting her sister into rehab.

I know that families, especially families with children, are very busy. But sometimes those commitments can and should be put on the back burner when another family member is in crisis. Given these circumstances I hope you can come to terms with your functional niece so that her sister can get the help she needs.

I commend you for taking such an active role in your sister's children's lives. Your generosity and care make me think you have a big heart.