Community Chat

[EmmaBunting]

On 2/16/2014 AbbyK said: Thank you all so much for your replies...both negative and positive. My husband is not an easy man to live with. Very thoughtful in some ways, but so annoying in others. You can be having a wonderful day, but he can take the joy out of it in minutes. He blows everything out of proportion - from a stubbed toe to problems with cable TV. He can't just let things go, but needs to vent about everything. And god forbid you don't understand what he's telling you or explaining to you the first time. Sarcastic comments....and looks. Absolutely no patience with anything...but then later will say that's the way he blows off steam. When I was an early 22 year old dating them, I wished I had the foresight then to realize he really wasn't for me. He came from a family of screamers when they needed to get their point across. I didn't. Yet, he can break down at a sad story about an animal or,someone down on their luck. I've been with him through a tripe heart bypass, both parents' deaths, major depressions (both of us). S"'x is nonexistent as he's on many medications, and it's just too much work. He never kisses me, hugs me and never holds hands. I have friends who are dealing with terminal illnesses with their kid, and grandson. They have the right to complain about life. So when he goes,on and on about stupid meaningless stuff, I want to scream! Yet, he'll do whatever I want around the house - moving furniture, painting, etc. I don't expect him to entertain me as someone said. I'm the social director. I'm the one with tons of friends who makes plans to see them both together and alone. We do travel quite a bit, and most times, we have a good time. My mother died a few years ago, and I'd tell her various complaints. She told me not to give up financial security, a home, kids, to be single. It wasn't worth it. Just make my own life. I work part time, and have for years. I never had to work full time, so I was home with my kids growing up. So is the glass half empty or half full? Do I put up with things that I've lived with for years, or forge ahead? I would just love to spend one week with no one asking why I'm on my IPAD so much, when is dinner, what's for dinner?, are we going out this weekend?, why am I taking so many naps?, why are you sleeping past 8:30am? why don't you read the papers everyday like I do? Why do you spend so much time shopping? Blah, blah! That's my life.

Well.....I don't know if this will help at all.....but sometimes a good venting can do the soul good! You expressed yourself completely.....and I hear ya! Only you can decide your next step. But it sounds like a separate vacation with some girlfriends might be in order right about now! I took one several years ago and it was awesome.

Good luck with this monumental fork in the road you've come to. Just remember......making no decision.............in some cases..........actually IS a decision.

Best of luck to you.

[croemer]

He doesn't sound so bad to me...yes he has some quirks...don't we all? Only you know what can tolerate at this point and what will make you happy. Good Luck whatever you decide.

[biancardi]

On 2/16/2014 lulu2 said:

We've been married almost 43 years. I know marriages go through ups and downs. If I were 59 and knew I no longer loved my husband, (this is what the OP said) I would not continue the marriage.

Life is too short to remain in a loveless, empty relationship.

that makes sense. I mean, if you don't know how you feel after that many years, who does?

I would rather be alone than to stay in a loveless, empty relationship. Just because every once in a while, he might surprise me with "kindness", that is no reason. There are things that should always be there and a person should not be holding on to the last random act of kindness from their spouse as proof to stay in a marriage.

I do think that talking to a neutral party helps a person solidify what they already know in their heart and help them find the correct path and tools to get where they need to go.

I will say to AbbyK's comments about all of the questioning from her husband - I would consider that interrogation and I would not take kindly to it, personally. That is just me, however. For me, that is treating me like a child and goes beyond the acceptable behavior of a marriage - at least for my generation. I cannot speak if this is acceptable behavior for older generations.

[Catitude]

The OP already stated she is staying married for the financial security.

Why not get your own place, and stay married on paper?

[EmmaBunting]

Abby....I think you've gotten a lot of valuable information here....and there is a lot for you to think about. You've heard from those who left their husbands and were happy......and those who have stayed and worked through difficulties....and are happy.

It actually does my heart good to see so many people happy with their decisions in life. Your gut will give you your answer. Sometimes it just takes a little longer to hear what it's saying to you.

[croemer]

Whatever you do, hope you take the time to plan accordingly and not be impulsive. Best to be as prepared as possible.

[focksie]

On 2/16/2014 AbbyK said: Thank you all so much for your replies...both negative and positive. My husband is not an easy man to live with. Very thoughtful in some ways, but so annoying in others. You can be having a wonderful day, but he can take the joy out of it in minutes. He blows everything out of proportion - from a stubbed toe to problems with cable TV. He can't just let things go, but needs to vent about everything. And god forbid you don't understand what he's telling you or explaining to you the first time. Sarcastic comments....and looks. Absolutely no patience with anything...but then later will say that's the way he blows off steam. When I was an early 22 year old dating them, I wished I had the foresight then to realize he really wasn't for me. He came from a family of screamers when they needed to get their point across. I didn't. Yet, he can break down at a sad story about an animal or,someone down on their luck. I've been with him through a tripe heart bypass, both parents' deaths, major depressions (both of us). S"'x is nonexistent as he's on many medications, and it's just too much work. He never kisses me, hugs me and never holds hands. I have friends who are dealing with terminal illnesses with their kid, and grandson. They have the right to complain about life. So when he goes,on and on about stupid meaningless stuff, I want to scream! Yet, he'll do whatever I want around the house - moving furniture, painting, etc. I don't expect him to entertain me as someone said. I'm the social director. I'm the one with tons of friends who makes plans to see them both together and alone. We do travel quite a bit, and most times, we have a good time. My mother died a few years ago, and I'd tell her various complaints. She told me not to give up financial security, a home, kids, to be single. It wasn't worth it. Just make my own life. I work part time, and have for years. I never had to work full time, so I was home with my kids growing up. So is the glass half empty or half full? Do I put up with things that I've lived with for years, or forge ahead? I would just love to spend one week with no one asking why I'm on my IPAD so much, when is dinner, what's for dinner?, are we going out this weekend?, why am I taking so many naps?, why are you sleeping past 8:30am? why don't you read the papers everyday like I do? Why do you spend so much time shopping? Blah, blah! That's my life.

Of course no one can possibly feel how you feel in your situation, but if you examine all the positives above, it sounds like you are ahead of the game compared to a lot of couples. I truly believe you could benefit from marital counseling.

It also sounds like your husband could be having mood changes or irritability from all the meds he's on. They can wreak havoc on a person. Talk to his doctor and see if he can be weaned off some of his meds or have them tweaked. I'll just bet this is causing his irritability, not to mention just the fact of getting older, which affects a lot of men in a very negative way. Has he always complained about every little thing over the years, or just more recently? I'll also bet that his meds are responsible for his lack of intimacy.

Another thing you might try is going on a "retreat" by yourself. Get away for a week or two for some "me" time. This will give you some time to re-evaluate and maybe focus on the positives that the two of you do have.

[Lila Belle]

Your sadness just oozes from your OP and I think the very fact that you're asking for opinions here on a forum means that your marriage is most probably over. And I don't mean that in a snarky way.

You got some very thoughtful responses.

I wish you the best of luck.

[EmmaBunting]

I'm on my way out....but just thought of something I want to add to the OP....

I guess I thought about it when I said that I was heartened to see that so many people here were happy with their choices.

Always remember, Abby....no matter which decision you make....YOU are the one who is responsible for your own happiness.

It's really empowering when you really embrace that. You stop blaming your partner...or your job...or your boss...or your bank account for your unhappiness. YOU are the only one who can make yourself happy. It's a decision.

[baddest_dog]

somebody mentioned there was a post very similar to yours not long ago, in fact, correct me if I'm wrong but didn't that poster even comment about drastic measures?

OP, what are you hoping to get from your thread and replies by strangers? You stated "you don't even know how to begin to leave", are you coming here to ask others for their suggestions, support?

I think it's wrong for ANYONE to put ideas into someone else's head when they don't know you at all or your circumstances other than what you are saying. Your last response made it sound like he is horrible (and I think that's what the other poster said too in her thread)

You've been married your whole adult life., While some women can transition to a single life living independently and happily, others think the grass is always greener than what they have and are very surprised at what they find.

I was married twice and for me realized after those two, I like to live alone because I don't like to compromise on issues that are very important to me, and I'm not talking about daily life things we all go through but fundamental differences. But I have hobbies, volunteer work, friends, pets, children and enough finances to take care of myself. Yet, there are times when it's very hard to be alone like holidays, times when I want to go someplace special and it would mean more if I could share it with someone I cared for. And, of course taking care of a house by myself can be a real pain, I have shoveled hundreds of shovels of snow already and no help from a man. Everything has pros and cons. Look inside yourself and know who you are first. If you like being alone, are independent, enjoy your OWN company, then you'll know what to do.

Of course in the end, we all need to love and feel loved. So with that said, if Vincent D'onofrio showed up at my door and wanted to go out on a date, well, I wouldn't be mad. That's all I'm sayin