Re: Want a separation/divorce

croemer · ‎03-10-2010

On 2/16/2014 EastCoastViewer said:
${#emotions_dlg.biggrin}$ On 2/16/2014 EastCoastViewer said:
The wonderful thing about getter older is we learn to better define what we want out of life. Often that leads to waking up one morning and finding out we no longer like or and love the person we've spent the last 10, 20, 30+ years with because that person's imperfections are no longer tolerable.

After a career, raising children and doing for others, we think we deserve to be happy now and put ourselves first. So we branch out and leave. At first the freedom is exciting. The prospects of a new life, new love or just enjoying vacations and friends as a single are inviting. Your ex moves on and finds another woman to love him. (In a world where the female to male ratio at your age is 2:1), the prospect of your husband finding another mate to love him with all his imperfections is greater than yours. Fast forward a few years. Your husband is happily settled with someone else, your children are happily settled with someone else and you are sleeping alone, snore-free, but still alone. And it's too late to undo it.

Thirty-five years ago you promised to love, cherish and obey, so do. LOVE HIM and CHERISH HIM and forget about how much you are unfulfilled. What we give comes back to us. He has probably checked out from you a long time ago because he knows he no longer can make you happy. Nobody hangs around trying to accomplish a futile task. Get your mind off yourself and get back into him. Find joy in giving love.

I've been married for 25 years to a man who tells me everyday he loves me and demonstrates it sacrificially. He does this because of our deep Christian faith and I've learned to find joy in loving him and believe me, he has lots of imperfections. I also learned to be honest with myself and face my own imperfections head on.

I pray you rethink your decision. I've been there but I had a friend to talk me down from the ledge (so to speak) and I'm glad she did.

Sorry, I didn't mean OBEY, just CHERISH! LOL!

I think this is more true then not...well said.

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**Careful... I have caps lock and I am not afraid to use it.**

Tyak · ‎01-26-2013

After reading what you posted, I feel sorry for him.

Snowpuppy · ‎03-09-2010

On 2/16/2014 ------ said:
You better think long and hard about what life will be like as a single woman at 59 especially after being married as long as you have. I'm not saying you won't be happy on your own. I am saying life isn't all sunshine and rainbows when you've been depending (yes, depending) on someone else for almost 4 decades.

Good luck to you.

Smart girl.

Divorce is easy. Living the rest of your life with no plan is the hard part. Especially when you've been dependent upon someone else for 40 years.

esmerelda · ‎03-10-2010

EastCoastViewer...love your post!

*********************
Keepin' it real.

Catitude · ‎01-09-2014

On 2/16/2014 EastCoastViewer said:
The wonderful thing about getter older is we learn to better define what we want out of life. Often that leads to waking up one morning and finding out we no longer like or and love the person we've spent the last 10, 20, 30+ years with because that person's imperfections are no longer tolerable.

After a career, raising children and doing for others, we think we deserve to be happy now and put ourselves first. So we branch out and leave. At first the freedom is exciting. The prospects of a new life, new love or just enjoying vacations and friends as a single are inviting. Your ex moves on and finds another woman to love him. (In a world where the female to male ratio at your age is 2:1), the prospect of your husband finding another mate to love him with all his imperfections is greater than yours. Fast forward a few years. Your husband is happily settled with someone else, your children are happily settled with someone else and you are sleeping alone, snore-free, but still alone. And it's too late to undo it.

Thirty-five years ago you promised to love, cherish and obey, so do. LOVE HIM and CHERISH HIM and forget about how much you are unfulfilled. What we give comes back to us. He has probably checked out from you a long time ago because he knows he no longer can make you happy. Nobody hangs around trying to accomplish a futile task. Get your mind off yourself and get back into him. Find joy in giving love.

I've been married for 25 years to a man who tells me everyday he loves me and demonstrates it sacrificially. He does this because of our deep Christian faith and I've learned to find joy in loving him and believe me, he has lots of imperfections. I also learned to be honest with myself and face my own imperfections head on.

I pray you rethink your decision. I've been there but I had a friend to talk me down from the ledge (so to speak) and I'm glad she did.

${#emotions_dlg.wub}$ So so true.

My friend's mother left his father because he got on her nerves and she no longer loved him (similar story to the OP's). She even hated the way HE cooked for her. Said he made a mess and scratched the teflon pans too much. On and on, she found complaints and finally "threw him out." Well he found comfort, love, acceptance and companionship with the next door neighbor, a lady who had been alone for many years. She apparently appreciated and respected every thing about the man, from his snoring to his cooking skills to his very nice pension. My friend's mother never remarried, died alone, practically destitute, dependent upon her children for just about everything. All the while cursing the neighbor for "stealing" her husband from her.

CharmTx · ‎03-15-2010

On 2/16/2014 esmerelda said:
EastCoastViewer...love your post! ${#emotions_dlg.thumbup}$

Me, too!! ${#emotions_dlg.thumbup}$

CharmTx · ‎03-15-2010

d/p

Marienkaefer2 · ‎03-09-2010

My advice to the o/p would be this: Have you been to counseling just on your own?

I think before you bring any of this up with your husband, you should seek out some counseling for yourself.

Many times, talking things out with a neutral third party helps you to see things in a different light.

It can go either way as far as your decision, but taking some time for yourself in this way will do you an enormous amount of good, and prepare you for whatever decision you eventually make.

You may decide that you really don't want a divorce, but there are issues that need to be discussed with him, and you will be better prepared to do that.

It may be that you do feel divorce is the right decision for you.

In either case, you should feel confident about your decision. If you are confident, then you will do well no matter what.

If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need.--Marcus Tullius Cicero

AnikaBrodie · ‎03-10-2010

Your post makes me feel really sad. Married 36 years, want a separation and divorce. So sad. Counselling, alone and together, should be your first action. I hope you can work things out. Do your kids (assume they are adults?) know how you feel? Could you talk to them about your feelings? I can't even imagine how they would respond.

"Faith, Hope, Love; the greatest of these is Love." ~The Silver Fox~

BaileyandBella · ‎03-10-2010

I honestly think at your age, you REALLY need to think about the future/elderly years. I have known several people that have developed Alzheimers in their early 60's. Aging issues could be right around the corner.

Maybe if you never fix your marriage, you can make an agreement to stay together as "roommates" and at least be there to help each other as you age.