Community Chat

[AbbyK]

I am 59 this year, and married for 36 years. My husband is 65.. I've come to realize that I no longer love my husband. To other people, he's a great guy. He would do anything for anyone, even me. I find I'm so tired of living with him day in and day out. He's semi retired, and I'm asking myself if this is what the next 25 years look like. We have nothing in common anymore. He's always spouting off stupid opinions about everything, which drive me crazy. We live like brother and sister...separate bedrooms as he snores, up multiple times...drove me crazy as I got no asleep. When he suggests going away, I always want our friends to come too. Otherwise I'm bored stupid. When he's away out of town, I relish the time alone. We just barely speak as it is. I am no longer connected to him, and I'm indifferent to him. We have two great kids. I don't even know where to begin to leave...

[PurpleBunny]

Well, I would assume he's not happy either given your apparent disdain for him. Perhaps the place to start is sitting down with him and telling him how you feel. Perhaps he feels the same way and has been looking for an "out" too.

[EmmaBunting]

Honey? Is that you?.....sorry....couldn't resist.

Honestly...I am really, really sorry to hear this, Abby. I went through a bit of a crisis myself a few years ago. I think we all have highs and lows in our marriages. And 36 years is a long time to just throw out the window because your not as connected any more.

My suggestion is to find ways to reconnect. Make improving your marriage your priority. Fix his favorite dish......do something fun together........have a good long talk.

In other words....try to make things better before throwing in the towel. And try to imagine.....I mean....really imagine your life all alone...and see if you still feel the same way.

Once you've given it your all to improve things...and you're still miserable...then it's time to think about separating.

You're not alone, though. Many couples go through what you are going through. I hope you can rekindle at least some of what you found with your husband in the first place. But even if you can't....I hope you can find some joy in your life.

Good luck.

[radimage]

I'm so sorry.

[croemer]

On 2/16/2014 PurpleBunny said: Well, I would assume he's not happy either given your apparent disdain for him. Perhaps the place to start is sitting down with him and telling him how you feel. Perhaps he feels the same way and has been looking for an "out" too.

I have to agree PB.

O/P...do you think with counseling there could be a chance of working it out? Do you feel you guys are living like the best part of life is over? Is it possible to find some common ground and take some time to reconnect? Or are you just over it?

[Catitude]

If you no longer love your husband, start envisioning your life without him and then go from there. If you truly want to be alone what's stopping you?

[bathina]

You've been married a long time. It's understandable to feel ambivalent toward another person after 24/7 for so long. My opinion- I would start with both of you (especially him) having a physical to determine if some of the stuff- snoring, lack of desire, crotchetiness, can be helped with medical intervention. I would also go to counseling by myself- so I could get it all out and determine if I even want to try. You might find there are more pros than cons to staying together. You might even find you want him to share in the counseling. Couples counseling can be a springboard to a renewed and invigorated relationship. Good luck with what ever you decide.

[BellaPaprika]

Sometimes the other partner is quite happy because they're sort of oblivious. They've learned to tune out the negativity and just want to believe it can go on forever. And sometimes it does. This is how many married couples end up - more like brother and sister. Do some people stay "madly in love" for decades? Maybe but I doubt that most do.

And I suspect it's more often the wife who would like to change things but doesn't because as the OP says - where to begin? Now some will tell you that you should "go for it", leave and find true love elsewhere. That's not very realistic. It happens for a few but most older women will find themselves alone if they're suddenly 60 and single. Also much poorer because they'll have half the income with almost the same expenses. Many people just go their separate but together ways and realize that life is not a fairy tale and they are not Cinderella. Enjoy your own interests and share what you can with him. Many older people would be thrilled to have a friend to live with.

[EmmaBunting]

On 2/16/2014 bathina said:

You've been married a long time. It's understandable to feel ambivalent toward another person after 24/7 for so long. My opinion- I would start with both of you (especially him) having a physical to determine if some of the stuff- snoring, lack of desire, crotchetiness, can be helped with medical intervention. I would also go to counseling by myself- so I could get it all out and determine if I even want to try. You might find there are more pros than cons to staying together. You might even find you want him to share in the counseling. Couples counseling can be a springboard to a renewed and invigorated relationship. Good luck with what ever you decide.

...good advice, bathina...

[bathina]

On 2/16/2014 EmmaBunting said:

On 2/16/2014 bathina said:

You've been married a long time. It's understandable to feel ambivalent toward another person after 24/7 for so long. My opinion- I would start with both of you (especially him) having a physical to determine if some of the stuff- snoring, lack of desire, crotchetiness, can be helped with medical intervention. I would also go to counseling by myself- so I could get it all out and determine if I even want to try. You might find there are more pros than cons to staying together. You might even find you want him to share in the counseling. Couples counseling can be a springboard to a renewed and invigorated relationship. Good luck with what ever you decide.

...good advice, bathina...

:thud: I've fallen and can't get up