Community Chat

[RedTop]

@BunSnoop 

I get what you're saying, since I'm walking the same path you're on, and see that the only people who really, truly, understand us are the people who have lost their spouse and struggled to regain solid footing.  Please do not let this man's words affect you so deeply; he has no idea how much your world has changed.  

I watched my husband decline for many years and prepared myself for what was coming.  I feel I was well prepared mentally to be where I am right now, and if your neighbor had said those words to me, I would have to agree with him, because in my own circumstances, they are true.  However, I understand your grief and feelings perfectly.  

You are doing your best to face each new day with strength and determination, which is what it takes for us to move forward and live our lives.  I move thru each day feeling I am doing exactly as my husband expected me to.  I caught my husband praying tearfully several times in his last weeks, and know he was praying for me and our girls.  I feel my strength and determination comes from his prayers and what he wanted for me.

 I am forever changed without the man I loved deeply for 50 years, but feel I'm walking on the strength of his prayers and the strong faith I have in God to lead me forward.  We just need to stay focused on one day at a time!  Hugs to you my friend.  

[geezerette]

@BunSnoop 

I can understand your feelings.  But I agree that most often people don't know what to say to a person that has lost a spouse.  I learned early on when someone asked how I was doing to merely say "getting by" or something equally noncommittal.  Men especially get uncomfortable when presented with emotion.  And they don't understand because they aren't in a similar situation.  It's just a fact and I learned to accept it and not take offense like I did at first.

Then there are people that have lost a spouse or partner and don't seem to skip a beat.  They're usually outgoing and continue with all their activities as if nothing has happened.  They just have different personalities than mine.  

Outwardly my life appears to be virtually the same now as when my husband was alive.  But to me, it's totally different.  I understand the loneliness of which you speak not having that person to just 'be' with.  I could go out and be with friends or join a group or do a number of different activities.  But I'd still be lonesome for my husband.  Neither family, friends, or activities can replace him, nor am I looking to replace him. 

I guess this is my long-winded way of saying try not to be upset with your neighbor.  That just adds to the bad feelings you already have.  Some people will say silly or thoughtless things.  And frankly, after the first few months, many people expect you to have "gotten over it".  They don't know what to say or do with emotions.  If you have a job that you need doing, they can understand and help with that, but emotions?  Nope.

You're still in the early stage of your new life and these things still sting.  You're doing the best you can and that's all anyone can do.  Hang in there.🧡

[tansy]

@BunSnoop  I imagine the neighbor didn't know what to say to you and is probably kicking himself now.

My mother attended a grief group offered by the local hospital for a year. Many churches offer support meetings, too.

[icezeus]

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@BunSnoop wrote:

Walked fur baby about 3-miles.

Spoke to neighbor - Do you agree with what he said?      I have not spoken to him in a few months.  He asked how I was and I said it gets lonely since my husband passed.  He said "you have always kept to yourself, so things are not really that different for you!"   I was lost for words and did not respond.     

Yes, I do "keep to myself " in regards to the neighborhood.  If people are outside I always wave, say hello, good morning, etc. and sometimes chat for a couple of minutes; however, I do not seek them out to talk.  

But I don't agree that "things are not really that different".   With my husband I had someone to do everything with, someone to small talk with, someone to hold or hug me to comfort me, someone to eat with, someone to help me, someone to go places with, someone to ask for advise, someone that cared for me, etc.   All of that no longer exists.  

I've been trying so hard to adapt and find a way to live a new life, but this was said to me a few days ago and is still upsetting me.   I guess some people just don't understand how difficult it is unless they go through this experience. 

In addition, my brother and sister-in-law only call me about every 5 weeks or so "to see if I'm okay".   I've tried to tell them how difficult this has been, but it does not seem like it has "sunk in" to them.  They just continue to go on as usual with their lives.

Sorry - I'm having a difficult time and needed to "talk".

@BunSnoop 

Sorry that you are having some rough days. As for your neighbor, sometimes people do not know what to say when someone experiences a loss. I bet that comment sounded very different in his head, and hopefully, he didn't mean it to come out so harshly.

As for your brother, have you tried just calling him and your SIL up and saying Hey, let's meet for lunch or dinner? Don't wait for them to ask; see if you can take a little control.

Not sure of your relationship with your brother before you lost your husband, but is it possible that they are both just carrying on with the relationship the way it was before? Anyhoo, just my two cents. Hope it helps. 

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[BunSnoop]

@Lakelife62 , @RedTop , @geezerette , @tansy , @icezeus 

Thank you to all of you for "talking" with me.

I think it was one of those "roller coaster" times for me with overwhelming ups and downs of emotions.   I appreciate all of your kindness, input and suggestions.

@icezeus , in regards to my brother and sister-in-law, yes - I probably should try reaching out to them.  I was hoping they would do it on their own, as I wanted them to be there for me because they want to, and not because they feel obligated to, but I have a feeling they just don't "get it".  I had not seen them for about 3 months, and when we did get together for lunch we were in and out of the restaurant in an hour and half.  The only time they asked how I was, was when they first saw me.  After that they did not ask how I was doing, and  talked about TV shows, food, concerts, and a day trip they had taken, etc.  As others here have mentioned, some people are just uncomfortable and do not know what to say to some one that has experienced the loss of a loved one and perhaps that's was going on with them.

I'm doing better now - thank you everyone!

[Cakers3]

@BunSnoop. Always feel free to talk here. This thread has always been supportive, free from judging, helpful with everything from relationships to medical to everyday issues. Even housework!!!

ShowMe started this thread right after Christmas in 2018. She passed away but it shows how important she was to everyone since the thread survived.
She always responded to everyone. She left the reminder that everyone here has a story, needs a hug now and then, and an example of giving one back no matter what is going on in a person's life.

She kept on until her final days.

Posters have come and gone here and some new folks stay.

I cannot say anything about your neighbor or brother etc. I do not know them.

What I will say you have no experience with the death of your DH
So this path will have you stumbling, going down a path which is not helpful, yet eventually finding the right path for you.

We learn as we carry on, sometimes feeling lost, sometimes uplifted with hope either from here or outside this forum.

I'm learning about my DH's conditions. Little by slow.

Take it easy on yourself. You are doing the best that you can and I know you are taking those little steps.

So talk all you want. Each of us going through tough times can take courage from you and you from us

This is what matters.

I wish you peace, in your own time and when you are ready.

Be well.🙏🫂💐❤️

[Cakers3]

@RedTop. I do remember your journey with your Mom. Also your journey with your DH
Yes the emotional toll can weigh heavy as a wet blanket.
Never knowing what will be each time I see him.

You had much on your plate and I took strength and reality many times from you as you handled your situations.

Thank you for sharing throughout your journey and thank you for your continued care, prayers, and support for everyone.

Be well. 🙏💐🫂❤️

[Cakers3]

@geezerette. 🫂🙏❤️

Thank you for such a compassionate and understanding post.
I wish you peace and be well.

[Cakers3]

Hello to all who post and read ❤️

DH said there are rooms for visitors to spend the night. I know this is not true.
Safety, privacy, and health concerns would not allow it.
I'm not sure how he thought this but that night he started to wander into the rooms of other residents. He was looking for me.🥺

The head nurse called to update and he told her I must have left.😢

Today I will take it easy after a visit. Overnight very cold temps are forecasted.
Already checked the humidifier. This up and down with temps is a pain.🙄

I hope the weekend is going well for everyone.

Remember fear is a powerful opponent. I find at times feeling as though I am fighting a losing battle but then I remember he may not be here at home but he is still there in his facility. So being afraid of the what is going to happen cannot take away good moments.

I wish peace for everyone and again my heartfelt thanks for everything given to me. You truly help always.

Be well.🙏🫂💐

[viva923]

not to much today

returned my skechers shoes-that foot insert-brace just made the shoes to small-they were acting like flip flops.

found some Q shoes at ******'s sport goods store-expensive yes but the heel height is superior and great fit-these are runners but i can walk in them just wonderfully. I am feeling the 

side effects from the 2nd shingle shot today/ ok guys later