Community Chat

[gidgetgh]

More difficult than when the doctors told us in February that my mother had lung cancer.

More difficult than her surgery in March.

More difficult than when they told us in late October that it had not only returned, but had spread.... well, just about everywhere and was inoperable.

More difficult than when they told us they could try radiation and chemo, but that those treatments wouldn't cure her.

More difficult than when she couldn't tolerate the chemo last month and it took three weeks to get her blood levels steady again.

For this was the day, after two 911 calls and trips to the ER this week, that we had to tell my mother she couldn't come home again. That we had to put her in inpatient hospice because her legs won't work correctly anymore and that my father (who's also 81) can't take care of her anymore. He's not physically able. My sister and I work full time and are not physically able, even if we weren't. That even if we had private nurses at home, she can't walk and it's more care than we can give her in her home. They live in a second floor condo with no elevator. The stairs to get in and out make it worse.

In my entire life, all 55 years, I didn't imagine that I could be this heartbroken. That she's not at home, not with my dad, not with her "things". That when she went by ambulance to the hospital yesterday morning that she (and we) had no idea she wouldn't come home. I know that this decision was the best for her care. The head nurse in the ER and two doctors told us so. My father, sister and I know it in the intellectual part of our minds. We did the best we could. But I feel like we failed her. That somehow we should have been able to physically handle this.

We found a hospice close by with a great reputation. We took care picking out what we thought was the nicest room. My dad will go every day and my sister and I will be there a ton. But it's not the same. My mother is now in the care of non-family members and that feels alien to me. I'll tell you, when it was time to leave to come home for the night, I honest to God don't know how I walked out that door and left her there. I just can't stop crying. I swear I could handle her passing away better than I could this.

I apologize for this very heavy post. I just had to get it out.