1. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.
2. Teenager For Sale:
Fully equipped with rolling eyes, deep sighs and sarcastic comments. Plays video games and texts 200 WPM. No reasonable offer will be denied.
3. You never know how long a minute is until you're exercising.
4. Dating in your thirties is just 2 people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
5. Sign posted on a front yard. Any woman wanting a husband who obviously hasn't had one before, free.
6. Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learned our lesson!!
7. I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise...and I was right.
8. My favorite childhood memory is my back not hurting.
9. Wedding vows should include... "Do you promise to always help him find his stuff that is right in front of him" because you will be doing this the rest of your life.
10. Due to freezing temperature, schools are ordering parents to wear 2 sets of pajamas when picking kids up.
11. The key to being an adult is just keeping important papers in a neat stack, avoid looking at that stack for about 6 months, and then throwing out all the papers because they're no longer relevant.
12. Did you know on the Canary Islands there is not one canary? And on the Virgin Islands? Same thing - not one canary there either.
13. I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning and I don't know whose side I'm on. I just want to ask if they could start over.
14. I am here for you. Thanks, I'm going through a rough time so it means a lot and I'm sorry, I lost my contacts, who is this? This is your Uber driver. I'm here to pick you up.
15. I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest. Maybe try it and see how you feel.
16. My wife and I announce when we're going to the bathroom, but it's more a way to say, "I'm not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it's all your fault." This is washing your hands of all responsibility.
17. They should make an alarm clock that sounds like a dog getting ready to vomit. Nothing makes me jump out of bed faster.
18. "How to perfect the natural, no makeup look." Step 1.
You will need 27 cosmetic products. You must really care about looking like like you don't care
19. With the rise of self driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
20. Husbands are the best people to share your secrets with. They'll never tell anyone because they aren't even listening.
21. "Congratulations, you're hired." "Thank you, I am grateful for this opportunity to wake up at 6 A.M. and sit in traffic so that I can stare at a computer screen for 8 hours everyday.
22. Brain: I see you are trying to sleep. May I offer a selection of your worst memories from the last 10 Years?
Whisper...I'm sorry, sleep is not on the Menu this evening.
23. You're the jelly on my burger, the knife to my soup, the glitter to my sushi, and the ketchup to my ice cream. My point is, you're worthless.
24. What if I told you your dad also knows how to pour a glass of milk? But mom pours it better.!!
25. ENTER PASSWORD
Wrong
Wrong
Wrong
Wrong
Reset Password
New password can't be old password
Set the computer on fire
Password must contain at least
one letter, number...
DEAR GENIUS
INTERNET
The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam
Blogs & Forums
