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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,672
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

 

1.   I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.  She hugged me.

 

2.   Teenager For Sale:

       Fully equipped with rolling eyes, deep sighs and sarcastic comments.  Plays video games and texts 200 WPM.  No reasonable offer will be denied.

 

3.   You never know how long a minute is until you're exercising.

 

4.   Dating in your thirties is just 2 people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

 

5.   Sign posted on a front yard.  Any woman wanting a husband who obviously hasn't had one before, free.

 

6.   Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learned our lesson!!

 

7.   I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise...and I was right.

 

8.   My favorite childhood memory is my back  not hurting.

 

9.   Wedding vows should include... "Do you promise to always help him find his stuff that is right in front of him" because you will be doing this the rest of your life.

 

10.   Due to freezing temperature, schools are ordering parents to wear 2 sets of pajamas when picking kids up.

 

11.   The key to being an adult is just keeping important papers in a neat stack, avoid looking at that stack for about 6 months, and then throwing out all the papers because they're no longer relevant.  

 

12.   Did you know on the Canary Islands there is not one canary?  And on the Virgin Islands?  Same thing - not one canary there either.

 

13.   I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning and I don't know whose side I'm on.  I just want to ask if they could start over.

 

14.   I am here for you.  Thanks,  I'm going through a rough time so it means a lot and I'm sorry, I lost my contacts, who is this?  This is your Uber driver.  I'm here to pick you up.

 

15.   I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.  Maybe try it and see how you feel.

 

16.   My wife and I announce when we're going to the bathroom, but it's more a way to say, "I'm not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it's all your fault."  This is washing your hands of all responsibility.

 

17.   They should make an alarm clock that sounds like a dog getting ready to vomit.  Nothing makes me jump out of bed faster.

 

18.   "How to perfect the natural, no makeup look."  Step 1.

You will need 27 cosmetic products.  You must really care about looking like like you don't care

 

19.   With the rise of self driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.

 

20.  Husbands are the best people to share your secrets with.  They'll never tell anyone because they aren't even listening.

 

21.  "Congratulations, you're hired."  "Thank you, I am grateful for this opportunity to wake up at 6 A.M. and sit in traffic so that I can stare at a computer screen for 8 hours everyday.

 

22.   Brain:  I see you are trying to sleep.  May I offer a selection of your worst memories from the last 10 Years?

Whisper...I'm sorry, sleep is not on the Menu this evening.

 

23.   You're the jelly on my burger, the knife to my soup, the glitter to my sushi, and the ketchup to my ice cream.  My point is, you're worthless.

 

24.   What if I told you your dad also knows how to pour a glass of milk?  But mom pours it better.!!

 

25.   ENTER PASSWORD

        Wrong

        Wrong

        Wrong

        Wrong

        Reset Password

        New password can't be old password

        Set the computer on fire

        Password must contain at least

        one letter, number... 

 

                           DEAR GENIUS  

                             INTERNET

 

                       

 

 

The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam
Super Contributor
Posts: 321
Registered: ‎09-18-2019

@Lindsays Grandma 

 

These are great! Thank you for the early morning laughs!

Valued Contributor
Posts: 822
Registered: ‎07-26-2019

#11 story of my life Smiley LOL

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,734
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

OMG! Number one is priceless! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣❤️🙏☕️

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,157
Registered: ‎10-20-2010

@lindsay's Grandma, A sincere thank you for making the time to help each of us have a good day. WE ALL APPRECIATE YOU!!!!

Valued Contributor
Posts: 894
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

I seriously laughed out loud at a few of these, thank you!

Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,539
Registered: ‎03-13-2010
My favorites...

 

So true. 

8.   My favorite childhood memory is my back  not hurting.

 

My DH does this & it drives me crazy. I hate the stacks of paper & mail everywhere. 

11.   The key to being an adult is just keeping important papers in a neat stack, avoid looking at that stack for about 6 months, and then throwing out all the papers because they're no longer relevant.  

 

As a dog owner I’ve experienced this a few times. Nothing like washing your bed sheets & blankets at 3 am & then moving to the guest bed to try get back to sleep. 

17.   They should make an alarm clock that sounds like a dog getting ready to vomit.  Nothing makes me jump out of bed faster.

 


 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 14,208
Registered: ‎11-08-2014

These have to be among your best, @Lindsays Grandma --  hysterical, and with that little grain of truth that makes them so devastatingly funny!

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,045
Registered: ‎06-13-2010

@Lindsays Grandma  I knew when I saw the title of this thread, I would at least have a chuckle or two.😀

 

My funny bone was tickled so hard; I CANNOT stop laughing.!!!😂😂🤣🤣😂-- WHEW!

 

 

~~~All we need is LOVE💖

 

 

 

 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,672
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@SandySparkles wrote:

@Lindsays Grandma  I knew when I saw the title of this thread, I would at least have a chuckle or two.😀

 

My funny bone was tickled so hard; I CANNOT stop laughing.!!!😂😂🤣🤣😂-- WHEW!

 

 

~~~All we need is LOVE💖

 

@SandySparkles ...I got real lucky when I came across this batch. 

If you have time here are the chairs...

1) basy by HON VL220 series mid-back task $137.77

2) Clatina Ergonomic High mesh swivel desk chair shipped by moxygen $139.99

Walmart.  Good Night dear friend...

 

 

 

 

 


 

The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam