Community Chat

[Yuban3]

Don't forget that an abuser will also often try to isolate their victim by not letting them see their friends or family.

They're good at playing mind games.

"Your friend Suzie really isn't a nice as she seems. She talks bad about you all the time. You should get rid of her."

"No, we can't see your family today. Maybe later." Later never happens.

Also, after physical abuse, they'll often apologize and bring gifts and "promise" not to do it again.

[shorelady]

It would be easy to spot an abuser if we only could tell by the suggestions listed by the OP. Actually none fit the abuser in my life, my father.

However, in the case of my own father, it was the alcohol that set him off. But the irony was that we were the only ones who suffered his physical wrath. As is the case, many abusers, even under the influence, will strike out at those who they know won't/can't fight back or are embarassed to seek help and let their situation be known. That is because the abusers themselves suffer from low self-esteem and are basically weaklings who would never "pick on" someone who could cause bodily harm to the abuser.

This scenario continued until my DH (then fiance) witnessed one of these episodes and told my father, in no uncertain terms, that he was not afraid of him and better not hear of anything like this again. Surprisingly, my father never again tried to harm us. This upholds the weakling and scared theory. When confronted by someone, the abuser then is shown to be what he really is.

My parents are long gone now, but the scars are still there and will always be.

[conlt]

On 3/4/2014 happy housewife said: I think that young women who have never been exposed to an abusive relationship don't know there are signs of such things that they should watch for. I dated an abuser - thank Goodness I figured it out before we married. He would always want us to be alone - never go out with any friends - as a matter of fact he started to isolate me from the first date, when I think back on it. He would tell me I was dumb and he would take care of me, he took me to work and picked me up "so i would not have to drive in the snow" when , in fact, he just did not want me to have any freedom at all.then he would do things like not be there after work and make me wait hours or walk home - and it was several miles. He tried to make me close my bank account and open a joint one with him but I refused - however, he was wearing me down on that. Then he started hitting me - well, i wasn't as dumb as he thought ! I hit back - with a cast iron fry pan - I heard I broke his shoulder -and I left and never went back. As i said , thank Goodness for me I had not married him.usually this type wants to get married right away.

Good for you. I am glad that you saw it before you ended up getting hurt. Mine was not evident in the beginning and actually started when he became addicted to drugs. Unfortunately, today hitting back can get you put into jail even though he deserved it. There is a thing they call something like "reverse abuse" whereas the abused becomes an abuser just to survive the abuse. It is really twisted. Did you go on to a healthy relationship with someone else?

[Yuban3]

On 3/4/2014 shorelady said:

It would be easy to spot an abuser if we only could tell by the suggestions listed by the OP. Actually none fit the abuser in my life, my father.

However, in the case of my own father, it was the alcohol that set him off. But the irony was that we were the only ones who suffered his physical wrath. As is the case, many abusers, even under the influence, will strike out at those who they know won't/can't fight back or are embarassed to seek help and let their situation be known. That is because the abusers themselves suffer from low self-esteem and are basically weaklings who would never "pick on" someone who could cause bodily harm to the abuser.

This scenario continued until my DH (then fiance) witnessed one of these episodes and told my father, in no uncertain terms, that he was not afraid of him and better not hear of anything like this again. Surprisingly, my father never again tried to harm us. This upholds the weakling and scared theory. When confronted by someone, the abuser then is shown to be what he really is.

My parents are long gone now, but the scars are still there and will always be.

I'm sorry for what you went through.

The most dangerous time for an abuse victim, is often when they decide to leave their abuser. There have been many cases where once the victim has left, the abuser comes after them, and stalks/harasses/kills them.

[LilacTree]

This is exactly 100% acccurate. That they don't always start out that way is too. My daughter lived with this for 18 years before he finally went too far (which I witnessed and called the State Police). The verbal abuse and situational abuse has continued since the divorce (three years ago). He will never stop trying to destroy her, and I don't know if she will ever be the same adorable little girl she used to be ever again. These people are sick psychos, but unless they finally do the ultimate deed, there is nothing society can do about them.

BTW, a restraining order means nothing. It just makes them worse.

[If anyone wants to see the most accurate portrayal of the typical husband abuser, pick up a copy of "What's Love Got to Do With It," the film starring Laurence Fishburne and Angela Bassett about the early life of Tina Turner and her husband Ike. The film is hard to watch, but as we all know, she survives and triumphs in the end. The acting is outstanding.]

[pinkskates4]

I absolutely think we should spend as much time on educating our kids about healthy relationships - and signs of unhealthy ones as we do on s*x education.

Actually, I don't think getting pregnant is nearly as bad as the problem of having kids either with a guy who doesn't want them/is unable to have a healthy relationship/or is otherwise unprepared - or a girl in the same state - and then repeating the process.

[chrystaltree]

#4 and #5, yes. Yes, definitely signs of a POTENTIAL abuser. The others are signs of a person with "issues", those are signs that should put a woman on guard. We have to becareful about broad generalities.

[151949]

On 3/4/2014 Yuban3 said:

On 3/4/2014 shorelady said:

It would be easy to spot an abuser if we only could tell by the suggestions listed by the OP. Actually none fit the abuser in my life, my father.

However, in the case of my own father, it was the alcohol that set him off. But the irony was that we were the only ones who suffered his physical wrath. As is the case, many abusers, even under the influence, will strike out at those who they know won't/can't fight back or are embarassed to seek help and let their situation be known. That is because the abusers themselves suffer from low self-esteem and are basically weaklings who would never "pick on" someone who could cause bodily harm to the abuser.

This scenario continued until my DH (then fiance) witnessed one of these episodes and told my father, in no uncertain terms, that he was not afraid of him and better not hear of anything like this again. Surprisingly, my father never again tried to harm us. This upholds the weakling and scared theory. When confronted by someone, the abuser then is shown to be what he really is.

My parents are long gone now, but the scars are still there and will always be.

I'm sorry for what you went through.

The most dangerous time for an abuse victim, is often when they decide to leave their abuser. There have been many cases where once the victim has left, the abuser comes after them, and stalks/harasses/kills them.

I have heard this too - when I left my boyfriend I went to my parents and my Mom said I should not stay there and took me to an aunt's house so he could not find me - then when I got an apartment I put the lease in my aunt's name so he would not find me that way. I found out later he was looking everywhere for me - saying he was going to hurt me bad because I hurt him - stuff like that. All our friends protected me and my where abouts. i moved from that apartment quickly and sublet it to my brother - when my abuser found out where he thought I was staying he broke in there and found my 6'7" very big and strong brother instead. yeah, he got outta there pretty quick.

[pattypeep]

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for over 10 years. I kept thinking it would get better ~ he would see that I would never be unfaithful, etc., etc. He isolated me from friends I had before I met him (I didn't "see" it at the time). In due course he was following me on my lunch hour and "popping" into my office at odd times. There were so many signs, so many signs.....I could go on and on, but won't. It still hurts even after 25 years. One night he pinned me against the kitchen counter with his arm across my throat. I smartened up finally and divorced him. I worked for the courts at the time, so I think he knew that he'd better just go away. I feel somewhat lucky that something far worse didn't happen because I honestly believe that it would have continued to escalate with perhaps a very bad outcome.

[EastCoastViewer]

On 3/3/2014 Rainbows and Roses said:

On 3/3/2014 conlt said: I learned that many woman do end up in jail because after being abused for a period of time, they in turn, become an abuser. They told me at the Shelter that some actually do it on purpose to go to jail to get out. It is a pathetic situation and when children are involved, it is really bad. I never really realized I was abused by a sister until I went to counseling. The truth is that my Father abused her and she abused me. I am younger. She has apologized to me and feels very bad. In my situation though between the hitting when I was younger and my dad yelling at my mother, my perception of "normal" was just that. Some abuse, controlling, and yelling. All situations are different. I think the judges are more understanding these days. It is difficult to go to court and face the situation in public. I had a really understanding Lawyer who told me about some things that had happened to him when he was younger. He was great, easy to talk with and he had his dog with him everyday in the office and the dog helped me get through the legal process too because I am a great dog lover.

Conlt.........how precious you are........I am happy you had an attorney that was understanding and helpful...........counseling is good also. I did not have a child with my first husband........I lost the baby with him but that baby would have suffered some yet I can't imagine that I would stay in any situation that would hurt my child. Abused people really must have help in counseling either with a doctor or pastor that can counsel. Hugs to you.

Thank you Rainbows and Roses, velveteenb and conit for sharing your stories. Thank God you all survived the ordeal. I pray for those who are being abused and for those who abuse. I also pray the court system will come to recognize the trap abused women are in.

Now it's time for me to be honest with you and with myself. I shared Judge Toler's checklist because I didn't see these signs in my husband, 25 years ago. His father was an abuser and my husband learned to communicate within a marriage by hitting. The first time my husband hit me was in our car, outside of our first apartment with his 5-year old son in the car. I was stunned. I didn't fight back at that time because his son was in the car. At our next argument, I fought back. I was raised by a single-mother who was very independent, very strong and very mouthy. Because I fought back and my husband genuinely didn't want to be his father, the incidents were few. Eventually, my husband learned to bait me into hitting him first and then he would pounce on me. Of course, I would lose the fight and he would feel justified for what he had done. I would be swollen and sore for a few days and then we went back to normal. Abuse is very strange. I know my husband loves me but he suffers from low-self esteem and fear. The last incident we had of fighting was around 2011, when we went through a hard time financially. We have had no incidents since then. We are Christians and we are both changing a great deal every day. My husband has desperately wanted to be different from his father so he acts differently. I have to admit it. At times, I am concerned with how my husband will be when our daughter, who just completed her masters and our sons who are in undergrad move out on their own. How will we handle disputes/disagreements? My husband is a changed man...we both are. There are moments when I see a glimpse of the old man. This summer, we were having a great time, just the two of us. It was too late for a sit-down dinner, so we went through a Wendy's. When I couldn't decide on my order quickly enough, my husband raised his voice and got too upset for the situation for a quick minute. Nothing happened but that made me uncomfortable, how quickly he got angry over a small little thing.

As velveteenb's parents, I think our bad days are behind us. I can't see us going back to even what happened in 2010. My husband and I truly are changing everyday. I pray I am not deceiving myself. just because I live in a beautiful big house with successful children, a successful marriage, a great career and I'm afraid that leaving will change all this. Over the years, I have not spoken about this with anyone. It is so embarrassing. I guess it feels good to be honest but I also don't want to drum up old stuff. Each day is a new beginning with new mercy. My husband's parents are still together and there are no incidences of abuse anymore from what I can see. Although, my father-in-law's Mom lives with them. My father-in-law is also a different person now. I thank God we made it through and our children are remarkably healthy. Gosh, after writing this, I think I'll make a family appointment for counseling. I think these sorts of things happen in other families but it's just not talked about. Maybe not to the degree of hitting.