Re: Signs of An Abuser

velveteenb · ‎03-10-2010

i thought i was done posting for the night, but you changed my mind. thank you, EastCoastViewer, for your post.

as a child, i knew i wanted to get out, but couldn't. i asked my mother if we could leave him and she refused. she said he was doing it because he loved me and that i didn't understand. they're still together, 50 years later.

reading the list now, even decades after the fact, is a big deal. it validates what i felt back then. i still need to be reminded. reminded of who and what he is. reminded that i am (and was) smart and brave. and that no one deserves abuse.

and to all those who are still living it, or know people who are ... to those who know someone who is finally free, and those who are finally free themselves ... you do/did not deserve abuse. it is not your fault and there's nothing you can do to make them stop except to get away. there is help. there are shelters and people who care. there really are. you are beautiful and you are smart and you are brave. i promise.

bunny. the dangerously complicated rabbit.

conlt · ‎03-16-2010

On 3/3/2014 Rainbows and Roses said:
Conlt..........I am so so sorry and my first husband was an abuser and you are right they make us feel like we have done something wrong.......back when it happened to me in 1977-1979.......there was no law to help me......I would call the police and they would stand out in the road and if he killed me then they could do something.......so embarrassing being beat up and cops watching but they were not allowed to come on property because this law had not passed......so many times I had to say I fell off a horse or down the steps or I was clumsy.........when I got out I was out and I don't allow any man to abuse me even in words.......really I don't date and I don't even want to date.

Yes, I am sorry you went through that too. It is so embarrassing to have the officers question you. Some of them even yelled at me. One told me "you got to get rid of this joker". He was right and I took their advice but it was very difficult. I know my judgment is bad but I try to watch for the signs. I don't date either. I have a male friend who is actually a cop. Not one of the cops that I knew from my experience, but an old friend. I sometimes go out to eat with him and he is very nice, opens doors etc. Funny, I am not used to that so when I go, I try to feel comfortable being treated nicely. It is not a natural feeling for me but one I need to get used too. I am not looking for anyone and would be very careful if someone did come along.

Rainbows and Roses · ‎06-04-2011

I think it is horrible if a woman or man runs there spouse or boyfriend, girlfriend down in public.......brings back to many bad memories.........and I am glad I don't remember them all. Yes women do beat up men and the men take it and they really feel like they have no one to talk to since it is a woman hitting them. But that day I left my husband back in 1979 I fought him that day as hard as I could and ripped the buttons off his shirt but the day I went to court 23 days later for a divorce his hand print was still around my neck and the judge said to me she would put me in jail if I went back to that abuse.........so many go back......but I was young only 22 and that is when I learned to fight back and get out.....I could not take it anymore. Back in 1993 I forgave him and we had a nice dinner.......but I hated him for years and years and I had to forgive him.....so happy I did........and he was sorry. I hope that he has never hit the woman he is with now, they have been together since the 80's. We have to forgive if not the poison is on us not them.

conlt · ‎03-16-2010

I learned that many woman do end up in jail because after being abused for a period of time, they in turn, become an abuser. They told me at the Shelter that some actually do it on purpose to go to jail to get out. It is a pathetic situation and when children are involved, it is really bad. I never really realized I was abused by a sister until I went to counseling. The truth is that my Father abused her and she abused me. I am younger. She has apologized to me and feels very bad. In my situation though between the hitting when I was younger and my dad yelling at my mother, my perception of "normal" was just that. Some abuse, controlling, and yelling. All situations are different. I think the judges are more understanding these days. It is difficult to go to court and face the situation in public. I had a really understanding Lawyer who told me about some things that had happened to him when he was younger. He was great, easy to talk with and he had his dog with him everyday in the office and the dog helped me get through the legal process too because I am a great dog lover.

Rainbows and Roses · ‎06-04-2011

On 3/3/2014 conlt said:
On 3/3/2014 Rainbows and Roses said:
Conlt..........I am so so sorry and my first husband was an abuser and you are right they make us feel like we have done something wrong.......back when it happened to me in 1977-1979.......there was no law to help me......I would call the police and they would stand out in the road and if he killed me then they could do something.......so embarrassing being beat up and cops watching but they were not allowed to come on property because this law had not passed......so many times I had to say I fell off a horse or down the steps or I was clumsy.........when I got out I was out and I don't allow any man to abuse me even in words.......really I don't date and I don't even want to date.

Yes, I am sorry you went through that too. It is so embarrassing to have the officers question you. Some of them even yelled at me. One told me "you got to get rid of this joker". He was right and I took their advice but it was very difficult. I know my judgment is bad but I try to watch for the signs. I don't date either. I have a male friend who is actually a cop. Not one of the cops that I knew from my experience, but an old friend. I sometimes go out to eat with him and he is very nice, opens doors etc. Funny, I am not used to that so when I go, I try to feel comfortable being treated nicely. It is not a natural feeling for me but one I need to get used too. I am not looking for anyone and would be very careful if someone did come along.

Conlt...........How nice you have a male friend and in time you will be able to trust better...........I want it to be natural for you to let a man do nice things for you.......they are supposed to.......and of course we do so in return..........I hope that you will heal and even though look at the years it has been for me there are times with a post like this that my blood gets to boiling about the abusive people in the world.......You want in a man what you would want a daughter to have in her man.......that is a good indicator when dating...........we should have our doors opened and taken to dinner and the movies.........a man should want to treat us like a princess.......and in return he will have all of me and my heart but not if I am mistreated and you can usually tell after a few months sometimes sooner. You will be in my thoughts and I know you will come out stronger than you realize and you will find love again one day.

Rainbows and Roses · ‎06-04-2011

On 3/3/2014 conlt said: I learned that many woman do end up in jail because after being abused for a period of time, they in turn, become an abuser. They told me at the Shelter that some actually do it on purpose to go to jail to get out. It is a pathetic situation and when children are involved, it is really bad. I never really realized I was abused by a sister until I went to counseling. The truth is that my Father abused her and she abused me. I am younger. She has apologized to me and feels very bad. In my situation though between the hitting when I was younger and my dad yelling at my mother, my perception of "normal" was just that. Some abuse, controlling, and yelling. All situations are different. I think the judges are more understanding these days. It is difficult to go to court and face the situation in public. I had a really understanding Lawyer who told me about some things that had happened to him when he was younger. He was great, easy to talk with and he had his dog with him everyday in the office and the dog helped me get through the legal process too because I am a great dog lover.

Conlt.........how precious you are........I am happy you had an attorney that was understanding and helpful...........counseling is good also. I did not have a child with my first husband........I lost the baby with him but that baby would have suffered some yet I can't imagine that I would stay in any situation that would hurt my child. Abused people really must have help in counseling either with a doctor or pastor that can counsel. Hugs to you.

RetRN · ‎10-01-2013

Does anyone know why the women seem to almost always return to their abuser? Is it because they feel they deserve it? I really don't understand this subject. It really bothers me that we probably all know people in this situation but it is so hidden we are not aware. I find this really scary.

conlt · ‎03-16-2010

On 3/3/2014 RetRN said:
Does anyone know why the women seem to almost always return to their abuser? Is it because they feel they deserve it? I really don't understand this subject. It really bothers me that we probably all know people in this situation but it is so hidden we are not aware. I find this really scary.

The abuser somehow takes mental control of the person. They wear down the persons self esteem and make them feel that they are lost without the abuser. Then there are very good times. The abuse is not constant but rather up and down. One day may be very good and one day might not be so good. It all has to do with control of one person over another. If you know someone who might be abused just let them know you are there for them. It often takes several attempts to leave before one can get away. Some never do get away. I know someone right now who called 911 during a period where the spouse kept her in the home for 3 hours. The police broke into the home and found him on top of her with his hands around her neck. The man is charged with various charges and she is now trying to get him out of jail. The best thing that can happen to her is if they keep him for a long time. Now most people would say they would get out but an abused person has something in him or her that wants to go back to the relationship. When we hear of a husband or wife, girlfriend, boyfriend killing their significant other this is abuse that went to the ultimate end. These are people who did not see the signs or could not, for some reason, leave.

conlt · ‎03-16-2010

On 3/3/2014 RetRN said:
Does anyone know why the women seem to almost always return to their abuser? Is it because they feel they deserve it? I really don't understand this subject. It really bothers me that we probably all know people in this situation but it is so hidden we are not aware. I find this really scary.

The abuser somehow takes mental control of the person. They wear down the persons self esteem and make them feel that they are lost without the abuser. Then there are very good times. The abuse is not constant but rather up and down. One day may be very good and one day might not be so good. It all has to do with control of one person over another. If you know someone who might be abused just let them know you are there for them. It often takes several attempts to leave before one can get away. Some never do get away. I know someone right now who called 911 during a period where the spouse kept her in the home for 3 hours. The police broke into the home and found him on top of her with his hands around her neck. The man is charged with various charges and she is now trying to get him out of jail. The best thing that can happen to her is if they keep him for a long time. Now most people would say they would get out but an abused person has something in him or her that wants to go back to the relationship. When we hear of a husband or wife, girlfriend, boyfriend killing their significant other this is abuse that went to the ultimate end. These are people who did not see the signs or could not, for some reason, leave.

151949 · ‎03-09-2010

I think that young women who have never been exposed to an abusive relationship don't know there are signs of such things that they should watch for. I dated an abuser - thank Goodness I figured it out before we married. He would always want us to be alone - never go out with any friends - as a matter of fact he started to isolate me from the first date, when I think back on it. He would tell me I was dumb and he would take care of me, he took me to work and picked me up "so i would not have to drive in the snow" when , in fact, he just did not want me to have any freedom at all.then he would do things like not be there after work and make me wait hours or walk home - and it was several miles. He tried to make me close my bank account and open a joint one with him but I refused - however, he was wearing me down on that. Then he started hitting me - well, i wasn't as dumb as he thought ! I hit back - with a cast iron fry pan - I heard I broke his shoulder -and I left and never went back. As i said , thank Goodness for me I had not married him.usually this type wants to get married right away.