Community Chat

[sommertime]

Madisson--How wonderful you and DH made her feel comfortable in your home and even had build on her own room. She must have raised you and your sister with values and compassion, for you to be so loving.

It seems easy for so many to judge negatively, when they have not walked in your shoes. Rest assured that you did the right thing for Mom. Your decision was made from heart-felt love and not spite or malice. Best wishes to you on Mom's new adventure!

[Marienkaefer2]

On 1/11/2015 occasional rain said:

On 1/9/2015 Bestdressed said:

On 1/9/2015 occasional rain said:

From the OP's posts it seems she's not, and never has been, fond of her mother. Of course her mother is aware that she's not a welcome addition to the family which explains her behavior. So, under the circumstances she's better off in assisted living than a home where she is unwanted.

Wow... You must know more then most of us. I fully support your decision Madisson. It isn't easy taking care of our aging parents. There is more then one path in deciding which is best for our parents well being and care. Some comments cut like a knife on this board.

Look at the title with all the exclamation marks. It's like the OP won the lottery. So what if her mother has become cantankerous, she's 90. Instead of rules and ultimatums a little humor and understanding would have been a better solution. The OP should be ashamed and so should her husband.

You're way off on this. But anyway..... All my best to the OP and her family!!

[glb613]

When my parents could no longer live independently, we got them into assisted living. It was the best thing for them and me/my sisters. Not being able to take care of your parents physically, for what ever reason, doesn't mean you don't care. Congratulations and I hope she thrives.

[LilacTree]

If I believed in prayer, I would pray not to live that long.

[goodstuff]

On 1/10/2015 Pippy said:

Don't fool yourself into thinking there are good facilities out there, All of them, and I do mean all of them are overbooked and understaffed. At the very best your loved one will be neglected. At the very worst she will be abused both physically and emotionally.

A very biased, misinformed, and unhelpful post. Sure, there are some unacceptable care situations out there, but there are also excellent ones with caring and very dedicated staff. I can't say enough about some of the wonderful people who have helped us care for several frail, ill family members over the past few years. Some of them came to be almost like family members. God bless them all.

[Marienkaefer2]

On 1/11/2015 GoodStuff said:

On 1/10/2015 Pippy said:

Don't fool yourself into thinking there are good facilities out there, All of them, and I do mean all of them are overbooked and understaffed. At the very best your loved one will be neglected. At the very worst she will be abused both physically and emotionally.

A very biased, misinformed, and unhelpful post. Sure, there are some unacceptable care situations out there, but there are also excellent ones with caring and very dedicated staff. I can't say enough about some of the wonderful people who have helped us care for several frail, ill family members over the past few years. Some of them came to be almost like family members. God bless them all.

Omg, I totally agree! I want to take this opportunity to give a huge shout out to United Methodist Homes in New Jersey. My grandmother and great-aunt both were in one of their residences. My grandmother was in the skilled nursing part of the home in northern NJ. My great-aunt lived in the assisted living part in one in southern NJ. The people that work for them are God's angels here on earth.

[Yardlie]

On 1/11/2015 CouponQueen said:

I didn't read all the replies but you seem gleeful and happy like you put one over on her..like See we told you and we did it..so there..

not sure I like that type of attitude. She is 90 and your mother..

Maybe you should try reading all the replies before you judge people. Then you would understand why she feels the way she does -- or is reading beyond your skill set? BTW, maybe she doesn't like your attitude either. I know that I don't.

[Yardlie]

On 1/11/2015 occasional rain said:

On 1/9/2015 Bestdressed said:

On 1/9/2015 occasional rain said:

From the OP's posts it seems she's not, and never has been, fond of her mother. Of course her mother is aware that she's not a welcome addition to the family which explains her behavior. So, under the circumstances she's better off in assisted living than a home where she is unwanted.

Wow... You must know more then most of us. I fully support your decision Madisson. It isn't easy taking care of our aging parents. There is more then one path in deciding which is best for our parents well being and care. Some comments cut like a knife on this board.

Look at the title with all the exclamation marks. It's like the OP won the lottery. So what if her mother has become cantankerous, she's 90. Instead of rules and ultimatums a little humor and understanding would have been a better solution. The OP should be ashamed and so should her husband.

You are always a miserable woman, Occasional Rain. Obviously you can't read either. If you had, you would see that her mother did not become cantankerous. She has always been cantankerous and abusive. The OP is a saint for taking her mother into her home -- especially because the mother was always an abusive mother. The OP gave it a try for four years after her sister could not stand the mother any longer.

You are the one who should be ashamed of yourself, Occasional Rain, and you know it. You are rude and deliberately mean to everyone on this board, and you like trying to make everyone else as miserable as you are. Obviously, you are not happy with your life. I'm surprised you haven't been banned yet. You actually enjoy trying to provoke people. What a sick person!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When the time comes, you better hope that one of your children wants you (not likely) if you treat them as nasty as you treat everyone on this board.

[goodstuff]

On 1/10/2015 Shorty2U said:

On 1/10/2015 KathyPet said: Shorty2u When your father fell and had to go into the rehab facility didn't you do a complete and thorough check on the place, get recommendations from his doctor and other health care providers on which rehab center was the best?? When he wasn't receiving rehab did you meet with the medical director of the facility to discuss their failure to provide proper rehab? Did you Involve your father's regular doctor in these discussions and express your concerns to him. ?You said that when you tried to move him to another facility they refused to allow the transfer. I have never heard of such a thing. They can't hold him prisoner if he or his family want to move him elsewhere.

His long time family Doctor sent him to this rehab/also a long care home for rehab after he was hospitalized from a FALL.. He NEVER had rehab. They made excuses, he wont do it he has dementia. We asked him (when he was still with it) and he said they never came for him to take him to rehab exercising.

And please don't say YOU. My sibling was in charge. When I called to ask questions I was told I am NOT in charge my sibling was the POA and they wouldn't even SPEAK to me!. Finally my sibling came around yes but it was awhile.

And the reason he couldn't leave there was NO OTHER PLACE that would take him and he needed FULL TIME CARE by then and they made him bed ridden and in diapers so I could not lift him. My sibling called every place he could no one would take him (switch him to their care). My brother paged the Dr and the Dr didn't even return my brothers calls! He ended up so bad that he was hospitalized and oh THEN a home would take him, a GOOD home but it was too late. He got sicker and died in no time.

So YES this is all the truth. My dad lived a nightmare and hes gone. We also hired a lawyer, and after them researching they would not take our case because the first home blamed my dad and said he had dementia and wouldn't co-operate when he was really so sick from THEIR treatment his kidneys failed. When my dad got there he was to get rehab, 8 months later he was dead. They also botched the records and covered up his records with LIES!

The only solace we get is, the lawyer we had researching and trying to help us who said we wont have a case, said he was suing the same place for another family who DID have a case because they let some man bleed (in the brain) to death and ignored this poor man from getting medical attention!

So yes this all happened. He was stuck there because he couldn't walk anymore and no one would take him till the fist place sent him back to the hospital.

The place he was in should be shut down. Since this happened we heard many other stories terrible stories. My sibling even called the STATE and reported the place and they went to check and the place covered everything up. We couldn't believe it.

So I have to live with the fact that I couldn't take care of my own father after he stood by me my whole life. Oh and my sibling, his wife wouldn't let him take him in. THEY could have taken care of him. But I DONT bring this up because whats done is done and my dad wouldn't want me fighting with my sibling. We were ALL close but I WISH my dad had put my in charge. But Im the youngest so I guess most back in the day put the oldest in charge. I don't know.

Im done talking about it Im getting all wound up and feel bad to spew on the OPs original thread.

Edited to add, the reason no other home would take him was medicare. Once he was RE hospitalized (half dead till then) then the GOOD home would take him. Sorry I got so wound up I forgot to add this earlier. It was about insurance when my sibling would call places this is what he was told.

Rehab facilities can be very difficult and/or inadequate for patients with severe dementia. We found this when my mom, who had Alzheimer's, broke her hip and had to be in rehab for several weeks. They did work with her, but it was very challenging as she had difficulty understanding and following through on directions, and she was a great fall risk because she could not remember that she couldn't stand and walk on her own because of her hip injury. There were some initial problems with staff, but after our family had a meeting with the nursing supervisor, I believe they tried very hard to do their best for Mom. However, no facility can provide 24/7 one on one supervision for an extended period of time. We ended up having family or a private-pay caregiver with mom all the time. Ironically, Mom fell again and dislocated the repaired hip while under the supervision of the private pay person, who stepped away for a moment to use the restroom. There just is no perfect, foolproof way when people become sick, incompetent, and at great risks for falls and other mishaps.

Honestly, Shorty, I sincerely hope you will seek help to come to better terms with your father's illness and death. Your personal suffering is hard to read. I am sorry for the misery your father (and you) endured during his last days......but it does no good to blame and continually punish yourself for his experiences. They are over now, and your father is at rest. You are perhaps only hoping that his experience would have been much better or his life longer in another environment. He was old, sick, demented, and he died. I am sorry for your loss.

[glb613]

"Edited to add, the reason no other home would take him was medicare. Once he was RE hospitalized (half dead till then) then the GOOD home would take him. Sorry I got so wound up I forgot to add this earlier. It was about insurance when my sibling would call places this is what he was told.

Rehab facilities can be very difficult and/or inadequate for patients with severe dementia. We found this when my mom, who had Alzheimer's, broke her hip and had to be in rehab for several weeks. They did work with her, but it was very challenging as she had difficulty understanding and following through on directions, and she was a great fall risk because she could not remember that she couldn't stand and walk on her own because of her hip injury. There were some initial problems with staff, but after our family had a meeting with the nursing supervisor, I believe they tried very hard to do their best for Mom. However, no facility can provide 24/7 one on one supervision for an extended period of time. We ended up having family or a private-pay caregiver with mom all the time. Ironically, Mom fell again and dislocated the repaired hip while under the supervision of the private pay person, who stepped away for a moment to use the restroom. There just is no perfect, foolproof way when people become sick, incompetent, and at great risks for falls and other mishaps.

Honestly, Shorty, I sincerely hope you will seek help to come to better terms with your father's illness and death. Your personal suffering is hard to read. I am sorry for the misery your father (and you) endured during his last days......but it does no good to blame and continually punish yourself for his experiences. They are over now, and your father is at rest. You are perhaps only hoping that his experience would have been much better or his life longer in another environment. He was old, sick, demented, and he died. I am sorry for your loss."

I worked in Health Care for 38 years and therapy is the "Bread and Butter" of most institutions. Therapy (Physical, Occupational and Speech) generates revenue and we are pushed to provide it everyone whether they need it or not. So for therapy to tell a family they must stop, there has to be a good reason.

Most of the time it's due to lack of progress. As a Therapist, you must be able to document measurable progress on a regular basis. When Patients have dementia, the ability to teach and a skill and make progress is very difficult and often fails. There comes a time when the therapy has to stop. It's never pleasant to cut off services. I should know, I had to do it more times than I want to remember. But it would be considered Medicare Fraud if you don't. When Patients are under Medicare part A for rehab, no therapy, no payment for room and board. The exception would be if there was another skilled level of care that is covered by Medicare part A like a wound.

As posted, I hope Shorty gets some professional help for her anger and grief.