Community Chat

[Madisson]

Marp and Meglet, bless you both for caring so long for your parents. It is a thankless job, and you both probably know that you do not receive support from your siblings. Mine are just happy that they are not in my place. I think we made the right decision.

Meglet, do you have a sibling or someone who could stay with your parents while you take a little break? It is a very taxing job (physically and mentally). No one knows what it is like until they actually do it. Perhaps if their parent was a very loving, nurturing person it would go smoother than our situation did.

Marp, yes it is very hard on the caregiver (and patient's) health. Bless you for doing that job for 25 years. I know that I had to increase my blood pressure medication because of the stress...also take anti-anxiety meds at times. The same is true of my mother. She will probably live longer in the assisted living setting than she would in our house. I anticipate that both of us will be able to curtail some of our medication.

You are correct that the individual will actually get better care in an assisted living facility where there are many wonderful planned activities, trips...and even a "happy hour" at 5:00 pm (45 min. actually) where they can have wine or beer (with their doctor's permission).

My mother actually comes across as a very sociable and personable person when she is not with family...as long as she can be a leader. (I think it is more difficult to reside with relatives.) She loves to be involved in things, so I think she will be very happy there. She actually seems happier about it today and is talking about activities that she is going to partake in. She seems excited about living near her friends too.

[Madisson]

Croemer, thank you for your suggestion. You are the voice of reason, as usual.

[kdgn]

My mom had dementia and I had placed her in an assisted living facility prior to her admission to rehab and then custodial care in the nursing home. I truly believe she lived much longer because of those facilities. She enjoyed people watching-it didn't matter who, just so that she could watch. She was not sociable herself but she seemed to like being around other people. That would not have been the case in my home. She used a walker and would walk the halls of the assisted living facility for exercise. She would stop and look out the windows while she was at it. She could go outside and sit at the patio tables. That wouldn't have worked here.

The activity ladies doted on her, teased her, joked with her and she loved it. If I tried that I got "the look". She would have been bored out of her mind here. The last three years she was confined to a wheelchair and having her in my home because of that would have been impossible.

Assisted living facilities are built with the elderly and their needs in mind.

[foundinlv]

When I was visiting my stepmom at the physical rehab facility after she had a hip replacement, I realized it was also a home and one man was sitting in a wheelchair right outside his room and as I walked by he asked me to take him out of there. He in fact begged me. I didn't know what to do. The nurse's area (don't know what their title actually was and maybe it was medical assistant) was right in the center of a 4-way intersection of hallways and they were fully aware of him. It was heartbreaking. There was another man calling out for help inside of his room....over and over and over again. I went to the nurse's area and inquired about both and she just said, oh they always do that. I felt ill and cried all the way to my stepmom's room. When it was time to pick her up and take her back to her house she told me she never wanted to go there ever again....I certainly will never take anyone there ever again.

[Irshgrl31201]

On 1/10/2015 Ilikeshade said:

When I was visiting my stepmom at the physical rehab facility after she had a hip replacement, I realized it was also a home and one man was sitting in a wheelchair right outside his room and as I walked by he asked me to take him out of there. He in fact begged me. I didn't know what to do. The nurse's area (don't know what their title actually was and maybe it was medical assistant) was right in the center of a 4-way intersection of hallways and they were fully aware of him. It was heartbreaking. There was another man calling out for help inside of his room....over and over and over again. I went to the nurse's area and inquired about both and she just said, oh they always do that. I felt ill and cried all the way to my stepmom's room. When it was time to pick her up and take her back to her house she told me she never wanted to go there ever again....I certainly will never take anyone there ever again.

That is a shame and I am sure you realize that they are not all like that. As a matter or fact some are really great.

[kdgn]

There are some in nursing homes that have dementia or Alzheimer's but do appear to be ""normal"". There was a woman in mom's place that would ask anyone and everyone to take her home. She had no idea where home was. Someone from activity would come get her and take her into the activity room for a distraction. She'd be fine for a while and then it would start all over again. There was another woman who cried out ""help me"" from her bed all day long. Those were the only words she could say. From her appearance I would say she had had a stroke and was bedridden. She would be checked on frequently but there was nothing anyone could really do for her.

[chrystaltree]

Happy ending for everyone.

[Vivian]

My soon-to-be 93 year old mother and I have an excellent relationship. Nevertheless, I posted the other day that I am in a quandry over what to do. I live 5 hours away and visit many times each year. My brother lives 20 minutes away but I'm "it." My next visit is in a couple of weeks to visit assisted living places. Mom, originally enthusiastic, is now balking about assisted living. The problem is she can no longer live alone. She walks with great difficulty and needs care. Whether one gets along with a parent or not there comes a time when, unless you are a heartless creep, you must be assertive in order to keep a recalcitrant and stubborn parent safe. For me that time has come. It is not easy. Mom does not want to live in my town, so she can have care at home or go to assisted living, but she cannot live alone anymore.

[RedTop]

Sending you support and best wishes Madisson. I helped make this big decision after my 97 year old grandmother fell and broke her hip. Her stay in rehab proved she was no longer capable of caring for herself. My grandmother only lived 10 months after her fall, but those were 10 good months of her receiving round the clock care that met her specific needs. I have always felt great peace with those care taking decisions, and have no regrets 13 years later.

[Bestdressed]

Aaaah.... I just had a long post disappear before it could be posted.

I used to volunteer and do well being checks on a man from our town who was in a nursing home. I will never forget how the residents would be lined up the wheel chairs in the hallway and some of the them would be yelling out, and it was awful. I was scared my dad would have to go to a facility at sometime .

a few years later he did fall down break his hip and now he accepted that needed to go to assisted living. I had to do a lot of legwork and checked out almost 20 facilities before I found the right fit for him

There are some bad facilities ... Just as I remembered. I usually knew as soon as I entered, that this would not be good. Naturally after I got over the sticker ( price) shock. I found the last place I visited the assisted living facility that was just perfect for him. I ended up at Sunrise Assisted Living. I found him an extra large apartment on the main floor near the dining room and activities. He lived there almost 2 years and really liked it. He was not social, so it would take some coaxing...but he did attend some of the activities. I could never get him to do the things, grooming, social activities, eating properly etc. It was a relief he was being taken care of in such wonderful environment. They even had a family golden retriever dog that lived there. He used to have a golden retriever...so he loved that dog. In hindsight it was the best decision I could gave made for him. He died a year ago in December. I miss him and think about him everyday. If anyone is thinking go going this route. I encourage you to look at a lot of facilities. They are not all the same. It is stressful, but go with your gut decision and try not to feel guilty. They took better care of my dad, then I could ever have done on my own. He was tough, hard to convince, but ended up trusting my choice of facilities and was happy living there.