Community Chat

[LilacTree]

On 5/8/2014 tansy said: I don't envy you having to make this decision, Ford. It would keep me up at night

It does.

[Allegheny]

Reading these accounts, knowing of others and experiences in our own family, I feel people should disperse as much of their assets as they can before they die, preferably on themselves.

DH & I have no children and our wills are very specific as to the disposal of our remaining estate. But I think we need to re-review it. Perhaps, it would just be better to have a non family member administer the estate. Sell off all assets, pay the remaining expenses and donate it all to charity.

[LilacTree]

On 5/8/2014 tansy said:

On 5/8/2014 glb613 said:

On 5/8/2014 Ford1224 said:

On 5/8/2014 tansy said: Wasn't the 'injured' daughter hurt financially, Ford? I can't remember the original dispute but thought it was about the sale of a home. If so, I might...not sure...I might deduct the financial loss to your one daughter out of the other daughter's share. I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say. That's a hard place for you to be

Yes, she was Tansy, and she lost her home. She can only rent now, so her antipathy is real and deserved. I do understand what you are saying and I think it's valid and I will definitely give this some consideration. I was also thinking I could divide my estranged daughter's share into three parts, giving my two adult grandchildren (her children) a portion of it, after all none of this was their fault.

Why would you leave an estranged daughter who did wrong money? Am I missing something?

You're missing that Ford is a mother who still loves the estranged daughter.

You're right, Tansy. I do, and that's not easy to turn off. I hate what she did, I do not hate her.

[glb613]

On 5/8/2014 tansy said:

On 5/8/2014 glb613 said:

On 5/8/2014 Ford1224 said:

On 5/8/2014 tansy said: Wasn't the 'injured' daughter hurt financially, Ford? I can't remember the original dispute but thought it was about the sale of a home. If so, I might...not sure...I might deduct the financial loss to your one daughter out of the other daughter's share. I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say. That's a hard place for you to be

Yes, she was Tansy, and she lost her home. She can only rent now, so her antipathy is real and deserved. I do understand what you are saying and I think it's valid and I will definitely give this some consideration. I was also thinking I could divide my estranged daughter's share into three parts, giving my two adult grandchildren (her children) a portion of it, after all none of this was their fault.

Why would you leave an estranged daughter who did wrong money? Am I missing something?

You're missing that Ford is a mother who still loves the estranged daughter.

So the only way she can love an estranged daughter is by giving her money? I can't imagine rewarding an estranged daughter who hurt one of my other children with an inheritance.

[straykatz]

Ford...I'm sorry that your adult children have put you in a position like this....no parent should ever have to choose between their adult children or be pressured to a take side.

[tansy]

On 5/8/2014 glb613 said:

On 5/8/2014 tansy said:

On 5/8/2014 glb613 said:

On 5/8/2014 Ford1224 said:

On 5/8/2014 tansy said: Wasn't the 'injured' daughter hurt financially, Ford? I can't remember the original dispute but thought it was about the sale of a home. If so, I might...not sure...I might deduct the financial loss to your one daughter out of the other daughter's share. I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say. That's a hard place for you to be

Yes, she was Tansy, and she lost her home. She can only rent now, so her antipathy is real and deserved. I do understand what you are saying and I think it's valid and I will definitely give this some consideration. I was also thinking I could divide my estranged daughter's share into three parts, giving my two adult grandchildren (her children) a portion of it, after all none of this was their fault.

Why would you leave an estranged daughter who did wrong money? Am I missing something?

You're missing that Ford is a mother who still loves the estranged daughter.

So the only way she can love an estranged daughter is by giving her money? I can't imagine rewarding an estranged daughter who hurt one of my other children with an inheritance.

I'm honestly not sure what I would do in Ford's position but I understand your feelings on it.

[kdgn]

Ford, I kind of like the idea of diving the estranged daughter's portion into 3 amounts.

When my grandma died, her estate was divided 3 ways: her son, her daughter and my late aunt's portion was divided among her children. My brother was upset because he said he didn't get anything and my aunt's kids did. I told him it was because she was dead. He thought gram's estate should have been divided 50-50, with my late aunt's children getting nothing. That's not how gram felt. It wasn't my aunt's fault she had died at an early age!

When my uncle died, he didn't leave specific amounts to his friends and some family. He did it in percentages. So and so received 5%, someone else received 2%, someone received 25%, etc.

You could do it that way, Ford. 30% to three daughters, 10% to the estranged daughter. There is no guarantee that any grandchild will receive any of the money from their mothers.

When my dad had to go overseas, it was mandatory that he have a will. He wrote that I was to receive 75%, my brother 25%. When brother heard the %, he went ballistic. My mother very carefully told him that his college education had been paid for, he was now gainfully employed because of that college education. I was still in high school and this assured dad that I would also have my college education paid for so that I could later become gainfully employed. He shut up.

[LilacTree]

On 5/8/2014 straykatz said:

Ford...I'm sorry that your adult children have put you in a position like this....no parent should ever have to choose between their adult children or be pressured to a take side.

I wasn't pressured to take a side. I had begged my estranged daughter not to do this and she did it anyway. It was wrong and I was furious that she went ahead with it, causing so much angst in the entire family. I then helped my other daughter with many things, including coping. I could not turn my back on her either. Believe it or not, she is strong and has come through this intact, but with no love lost for her sister and who can blame her.

My estranged daughter has problems. She has always been difficult and negative all of her life. IMO, some of that is genetic, as her father was difficult. Except for my one daughter, who is nothing but a saint, my estranged daughter has lost the entire family, including extended family. She is paying a huge price for what she did.

[lulu2]

I do not believe a sibling should decide whether or not another sibling is included in a parent's will. Even if a sibling did something that hurt the parent in some way physically or emotionally, it is the parent's decision.

Based on family experiences, it seems when there are multiple siblings, unless things are divided equally, there are almost always bad feelings. Even then, frequently someone believes he/she deserves more than someone else.

[LilacTree]

On 5/8/2014 kdgn said:

Ford, I kind of like the idea of diving the estranged daughter's portion into 3 amounts.

When my grandma died, her estate was divided 3 ways: her son, her daughter and my late aunt's portion was divided among her children. My brother was upset because he said he didn't get anything and my aunt's kids did. I told him it was because she was dead. He thought gram's estate should have been divided 50-50, with my late aunt's children getting nothing. That's not how gram felt. It wasn't my aunt's fault she had died at an early age!

When my uncle died, he didn't leave specific amounts to his friends and some family. He did it in percentages. So and so received 5%, someone else received 2%, someone received 25%, etc.

You could do it that way, Ford. 30% to three daughters, 10% to the estranged daughter. There is no guarantee that any grandchild will receive any of the money from their mothers.

When my dad had to go overseas, it was mandatory that he have a will. He wrote that I was to receive 75%, my brother 25%. When brother heard the %, he went ballistic. My mother very carefully told him that his college education had been paid for, he was now gainfully employed because of that college education. I was still in high school and this assured dad that I would also have my college education paid for so that I could later become gainfully employed. He shut up.

Thank you kdgn, as the reduced amount to my daughter seems to make the most sense to me. Since my adult grandchildren, as you stated, would not be assured to get anything from their mother, giving it to them directly, as adults (24 and 26 as of this date) seems the only fair thing to do. My other grandchildren are still living with their moms and still underage. So they would benefit from their moms' portions.

When one sets these things up, it has to be as though death is imminent. However, thankfully, that doesn't always happen. Things change, and I might have to change it again . . . who knows.