Community Chat

[deepwaterdotter]

I just today sent an arrangement to the home of a friend who lost her father.  He was 96 and had outlived all but a few younger people he had mentored in his workplace.  The body will be cremated and ashes scattered at a meaningful site in the spring.  He requested no gathering in his memory.  I do not desire an acknowledgement of receipt of the flowers, only that my friend finds comfort in her memories.

[Citrine1]

For the funerals that I've been directly involved in (in laws, my father) I made it a point to send thank you cards to everyone who sent a mass card or flowers.  

[Oznell]

I'm sorry for your losses, @Trailrun23 -- it's terrible to lose dear friends.  You acknowledged the relationships beautifully with the lovely plants.

[Jazzycat1]

A thank you note is always so appreciated. I grew up in a home where both parents wrote their "thank yous" as did my sister and myself. My son learned from an early age to express gratitude but, he no longer does. His fiancé has never sent one and he seems to follow her. I wish it did occur to him once in awhile but I haven't even heard a 

Thank you" in quite awhile. I definitely know that he feels appreciation for a gift or an action. So I continue to do my part by showing gratitude even if teased about being old fashioned. I can't remember if Ive recently received a note from a family of a deceased friend. I wouldn't expect one.

[ahoymate]

Follow your heart. After all, it's the end of a life. Expect nothing in return is the best way to handle no acknowledgment. People need time to process. You never know, some may reach out to you.

[AZfem]

It seems most funeral notices ask for donations to go to a favorite charity or cause. Even if they don't list one, I'd rather donate to a charity rather than send flowers as at least their memory may perpetuate good for others.

[LuvSoCal]

I have received a thank you card for simply attending a memorial or service. I think your kind gestures of sympathy should definitely be acknowledged.

[Boomernichols]

@Trailrun23  I generally cook something for the family or give them a monetary gift nowadays.    At one time, I would send flowers but resolved to go more personal in the past 5 years,  I have also given in memorium to their church in their memory.

[jannabelle1]

Yes, you should receive a thank you note (usually provided by the funeral home) from the family. I'll add my two-cents worth about sending plants or flowers to the funeral home or home of the family. You might have no idea how many plants people send, thinking that it'll be a welcome addition to their home and a reminder of their loved one. What it really is will be a big bunch of plants that the family either has to take care of, or ask the funeral home to deliver to a nursing home....and I bet the nursing home is probably inundated with funeral home plants that people just don't want!

If you want to do something, wait for the obituary to find out what charity or group is suggested and go from there. The charity will be very grateful, and I almost always receive a thank you note from them.

[Zoe]

We stopped sending flowers for funerals many years ago. Felt wasteful -- and very costly, as you note. Switched to plants and had a personal experience where the widow was overwhelmed with plants to care for...that all eventually also died. She didn't need another thing dying in her life.

Depending upon religion/diet/relationship, we send food and/or make a donation to charity.

When an immediate family member died, it was a saving grace not to have to think about meals -- especially in that initial period after the death and before the funeral. We had meals for six weeks when all was said and done. Close friends in the town organized a meal train. Employers sent soup & fresh fruit for weeks. It was incredibly thoughtful and such a tremendous help.

ETA: Thank you notes are non-negotiable, imo. But you may not know what else might be going on with them beyond the shock of losing a loved one. So, some grace and compassion may be needed. We didn't get our thank you notes for almost 7 wks after the funeral. There was some serious in-fighting going on between family members (that almost turned legal). Stress of that situation + all of the meetings (lawyers, FAs) + major issues like health insurance which was needed immediately for a chronically ill child of the deceased...thank you notes fell far down our list. And we are a thank you note family.

G R A C E for the families.

You did right by your conscience and heart.