Community Chat

[Tinkrbl44]

I don't think people always get the funeral they want.  

When my father passed away, my stepmother had a large brunch after the cemetary.   My two sisters and I sat at a table and looked around ....  we had no idea who most of the people were!    

[151949]

My parents died in a car accident and it was all over the papers and the news. There were so many people at their funeral I had no idea who they were and I think many of them were just strangers who read about it and came to gawk. They would come in and mingle around but not stop to speak to the family at all. Pathetic that people would do this. The stupid news also lurked at the funeral even though my brother had asked them to leave, they tried to speak to mourners. 

When my first husband was killed it was also on the news but the coroner held the funeral up several days so by the time we had the funeral it was old news so we didn't have to deal with this at the funeral - thank goodness because I was teetering on the edge of a breakdown already and that may have thrown me over the edge. I was very lucky that my wonderful family was there with me - my oldest brother was pretty much being a buffer between me and the rest of the world right then. 

[CANDLEQUEEN]

We had a private service for my grandmother, granted this was 16 years ago, but the church was very small,so what we did because she had a lot of friends, we held a "wake" at the funeral home the night before for 2 hours, so that people could come by and pay their respects. My mom actually invited some of her very closest friends to the actual funeral service, but with a huge family and a small church it worrked out best that way. We invited the entire church over to my mom's and dad's house after for food after the service, and there was probably about 50 people or so.....That was her wishes, so my mom wanted to uphold those wishes......My mom has also told us kids that she wants her services private as well.....  

[Imadickens]

What good are last wishes if they are not honored? My mom was the same, just the immediate family. Some close friends asked but respected our wishes! It should not be something grieving families should have to deal with.

[Puzzle Piece]

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@Tinkrbl44 wrote:

I don't think people always get the funeral they want.  

When my father passed away, my stepmother had a large brunch after the cemetary.   My two sisters and I sat at a table and looked around ....  we had no idea who most of the people were!    

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Same here.  Some folks arrived and we and others didn't know who they were.  I think they were expecting the food and drink afterwards but must have been disappointed. 

When the Mother-in-law died a year and a half ago, I held the gathering at her house and lots of people attended, ate, drank, and never introduced themselves to us or to others.  Must have been what I've heard about - read obits/wedding announcment and attend just for free food and drink.  I was busy taking care of things so I could not approach them to ask how they knew the family.  Oh, well.  Guess there will always be free loaders. 

[Hayfield]

Justice4all--It was really sad to see my mother-in-law beside herself with grief, she just buried her son and not being able to do something for the people that came out of the way to pay their repspects.  It's a tradition that we have in our families.  If you want a private service, then don't make it public, make it private.  My mother-in-law was a lovely woman and she was in great pain too.  My SIL stayed home all alone in her grief, it was her husband who said he didn't want anyone having a party, again, it's not a party, we all visit console each and talk and share memories of the person who recently passed away.  Yes, everyone mourns differently but her husband thinks people "party" when you simply want to give them a bite to eat before they go on their way?  

[Financialgrl]

My father always said - "when I die I want no church service, no graveside service, nothing".  When he died, I never cared what anyone thought.  Dad was cremated and it was a particularly brutal winter, so we waited till spring when two of his grandchildren were home from college, my boyfriend and I went to the cemetery and had dad's cremains buried and once the brass marker was in place, his 4 children, their spouses and children all went to the gravesite, said a few words, placed flowers on the family gravesite and then went out to dinner for a celebration of his life.  I really believe he would have been touched that we chose an intimate family only way to say goodbye.  

I personally think the whole process is too hard on ppl and family - I told my sister (executor of my affairs) - when I die, I want nothing, absolutely nothing,  Cremate me and I dont even care if you pick up the ashes.  I did say that rather than a maudlin goodbye the family meeting to have a meal together and raising a glass like we did for dad is fine with me!

ETA:  dad was in his 80s and many of his friends preceded him in death so the whole nine yards would have been for family only anyway.