Community Chat

[ALRATIBA]

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@Puzzle Piece wrote:

My Father In Law passed away last May.  We had the papers announce his passing and the obituary read PRIVATE CEREMONY. ....

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In three recent deaths in the family, we instructed the funeral director to give the newspapers the death notice after the services in two instances, and no death notice at all for the third.  

People were informed on a "need to know basis."   Funerals in our family are very low key religious services.  

[terriebear]

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@Tinkrbl44 wrote:

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@terriebear wrote:

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@Puzzle Piece wrote:

My Father In Law passed away last May.  We had the papers announce his passing and the obituary read PRIVATE CEREMONY.  We let the neighbors know that it was an intimate burial, no guests.  My FIL told us what he wanted on his passing and he wanted a private ceremony, no guests and only the three children with the exception of two friends.  Okay, we though that would be honored by all.  Apparently not as folks just showed up.  My FIL strongly stated "No Celebration of Life" after the burial.  Okay.  Folks wanted one and asked about it after the burial.  We were made to feel irresponsible for not having one. 

What am I not understanding about this? 

@Puzzle Piece

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Since this happened months ago, and you are just now on the forum abouts this, it must be really bothering you.  I am sorry for your loss.  I have read many obituaries announcing deaths stating that a private burial has already taken place, and any memorial gifts can be sent to stated charity.  Perhaps this is the way to go should anyone else in your family want a private ceremony.

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@terriebear

That's the only way to go.  As I stated in Post # 7, HOW did they even know where to show up to ... and when?  

If you  publish the location and then get mad because the uninvited came, it's just asking for an annoying situation.

ITA ..... publish the announcement after the fact.

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@Tinkrbl44

Agree!

[chickenbutt]

I was also wondering how the people even knew WHERE this was but I guess it wouldn't be difficult to figure that out unless it took place in a really large city.

My other initial thought was that those who showed up uninvited either just don't have any social graces or maybe just didn't even fully understand that 'private' didn't exclude them.  

I also agree about not publishing location AND the even bigger good idea would be to publish the announcement after the fact.  I like that one - well, for future reference of course.  

[Mominohio]

Haven't read all responses, but my mom has asked the same, no services at all, and very specific about who is there, just her kids and grandkids.

The way we will avoid something else happening is to not put any notice in the paper (another things she has requested). 

It's hind sight now, but it would have been better to not put the obit in the paper until after all the affairs were settled.

[Drythe]

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@DrKelli wrote:

@Puzzle Piece, I am very sorry for your loss.

Death sometimes brings out the worst in people.  My dad, who died 5 years ago, did not want any kind of funeral.  Fine with me.  However, when I submitted my bereavement request, the HR lady asked when the funeral was and I replied, there isn't one and she asked me why I needed funeral leave then.

In his obituary, I wrote that there would be no funeral services per his request, but that if anyone took a notion--they could buy a round of drinks at whatever bar they were in or after a round of golf and drink to his memory.  He actually wanted us to rent a McDonald's and buy a keg.

We did get questions about it, but I would just reply, he didn't want to put us through that.  My mom is the same way.

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@Puzzle Piece

I am sorry for the loss of your Dad.  Glad you could recognize his passing as he chose.

A more up to date company usually calls it Bereavement Leave.

[Puzzle Piece]

@Tinkrbl44 They knew when to show up because they read the Obit in the paper.  Others read and called the mortuary and since there isn't any other burial place but one in the town, they knew when and where to go. 

[Puzzle Piece]

The FIL passed away in late May and was buried on the 31st.  People have asked to this day why we didn't do something, or that we could have ignored his request and done something anyway.  Seems the food and drink is important to lots of folks.  Whatever we did or didn't do, people still complain. 

I just don't understand why they don't know that private means just that.  Maybe we should have written Intimate and Private burial, Family only. 

[Newgate]

I have always wondered if there was no celebration of life gathering after a funeral just how many people would attend!

Families now are feeling pressure to have a gathering!!

Should it be that way? 

[151949]

The very best way to have exactly the funeral you desire for yourself is to pre plan it yourself. My parents did this and honestly, I would never have had the elaborate ceremonies they planned. But it was what they wanted so we had to just bite the bullet and put up with it for 4 days. My Dad wanted the full military deal with the 21 guns and taps, folding the flag draped over the coffin - all of it. So DH & I have planned ours and it will be simple and one day only. The only way to be sure to have it exactly as you wish.

[AngelPuppy1]

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@Puzzle Piece wrote:

My Father In Law passed away last May.  We had the papers announce his passing and the obituary read PRIVATE CEREMONY.  We let the neighbors know that it was an intimate burial, no guests.  My FIL told us what he wanted on his passing and he wanted a private ceremony, no guests and only the three children with the exception of two friends.  Okay, we though that would be honored by all.  Apparently not as folks just showed up.  My FIL strongly stated "No Celebration of Life" after the burial.  Okay.  Folks wanted one and asked about it after the burial.  We were made to feel irresponsible for not having one. 

What am I not understanding about this? 

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@Puzzle Piece

Everyone feels differently about this and I appreciate that.  However, a person has a right to have their last wishes honored.  I don't understand why some can't get it!  It's not about them -- it's about what the deceased wants!!!!  I totally get what you are saying and I would feel the same way.