Community Chat

[NYC Susan]

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@Bri36 wrote:

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@151949 wrote:

I'm sorry for you that you weren't taught to stand up for yourself.

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You don't have to get hit or beat up to learn how to stand up for yourself.  

How silly..:

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Yes.  Learning how to stand up for yourself doesn't have to be in a physical way.  Many of us know how to do that without resorting to violence.

And learning how to defend yourself physically - against strangers or someone intent on doing you harm - is an entirely different thing than being encouraged to solve conflicts with brothers and sisters by hitting and kicking.  It's far better for parents to teach their children better ways of handling disagreements and learning to get along.  Learning socialization skills begins at home.  Hitting and kicking is not an acceptable way of settling problems in school, work situations, or pretty much anywhere else in the real world.

Good parents teach their children the difference between physical, violent action as a means of self-defense vs. existing peacefully and cooperatively with the large majority of people they will encounter in daily life.

[noodleann]

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@Cakers3 wrote:

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@151949 wrote:

When I was a kid and one of my brothers would pick on me or hit me - my Mom absolutely did not tolerate the running to her about it. Her answer was always - Why are you running to me - stand up for yourself. Hit him back if they hit you and they'll learn not to hit you. For this reason I always wonder why women don't stand up to these guys and hit those %$$#@R@ back. Pick up a broom handle or a rolling pin and DEFEND YOURSELF. If they are in pain the next morning they will think twice before they do it again. It worked with my brothers.

@151949Sibling squabbles are a far cry from grown men beating on a woman.

And shouldn't your brothers have been taught not to hit you at all??

Strike him with a roller pin???  What is this - a cartoon from the old days??

You apparently do not understand the psych make up of an abusive partner.

Striking a very, very, angry and powerful person can have his victim ending up......dead.

SMH

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Kudos and a million thanks for saying what I was thinking when I read that post. If I wanted to be killed as I slept, sure, I'd kosh him over the head.

If you've been reared in a dysfunctional, abusive family, you tend to go on to have relationships in which dysfunction and abuse figure in some way, if not prominently. More to the point for some here, you don't understand what normal is. The dynamics of real civility, of living without a quid pro quo, zero sum game in play every minute of the day and the sense that assault on mind and body can happen at any time, for any reason, makes it hard to recognize, much have a "normal" relationship.

By the same token, if you've never been in such a relationship, its dynamics won't make sense to you. You have no frame of reference for how something so wrong could be sustained for so long. Most importantly, through no fault of yours, unless you're trained in this stuff, you're going to have no appreciation for what it's like to live with the erosive, degrading effect of that constant background threat. It creates the ultimate sort of learned helplessness, and IMO explains why it takes so long to get clear of these bad situations.

[proudlyfromNJ]

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@truffle wrote:

@151949 You're a survivor and you did what you had to do and it worked for you in your particular situation.  I like your fierceness and I'm sure it made you a great woman and a great nurse invaluable to your patients.  

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@truffle. A survivor of what?

[truffle]

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@proudlyfromNJ wrote:

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@truffle wrote:

@151949 You're a survivor and you did what you had to do and it worked for you in your particular situation.  I like your fierceness and I'm sure it made you a great woman and a great nurse invaluable to your patients.  

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@truffle. A survivor of what?

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Oh my goodness.  One who has had many tragedies in her life that will just break your heart and place most people into a deep, lasting depression.  Her life story and yes she is a survivor at every level of it.  

[proudlyfromNJ]

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@truffle wrote:

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@proudlyfromNJ wrote:

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@truffle wrote:

@151949 You're a survivor and you did what you had to do and it worked for you in your particular situation.  I like your fierceness and I'm sure it made you a great woman and a great nurse invaluable to your patients.  

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@truffle. A survivor of what?

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Oh my goodness.  One who has had many tragedies in her life that will just break your heart and place most people into a deep, lasting depression.  Her life story and yes she is a survivor at every level of it.  

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I don't agree with you.

[occasionalrain]

I admit to growing up in a home where no one hit or ridiculed anyone so it's hard for me to relate to someone whose experience was the opposite. I understand to some abuse is normal; what I don't understand and find unacceptable is putting others in danger. Why do these women call the police who risk their lives to rescue them only to return. To me, there is no justification for that.

[JaneMarple]

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@occasionalrain wrote:

I admit to growing up in a home where no one hit or ridiculed anyone so it's hard for me to relate to someone whose experience was the opposite. I understand to some abuse is normal; what I don't understand and find unacceptable is putting others in danger. Why do these women call the police who risk their lives to rescue them only to return. To me, there is no justification for that.

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It's called being AFRAID! Since you've never experienced it please do not put people who have been victimized down!

[NYC Susan]

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@occasionalrain wrote:

I admit to growing up in a home where no one hit or ridiculed anyone so it's hard for me to relate to someone whose experience was the opposite. I understand to some abuse is normal; what I don't understand and find unacceptable is putting others in danger. Why do these women call the police who risk their lives to rescue them only to return. To me, there is no justification for that.

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Until you've experienced this and/or seen it up close, you have no right to decide what's justified and what's not justified.  

It's very easy to sit up on a high horse and judge others.  But not so easy to go through the horror of being in a situation like this.  You find it "unacceptable"?  Maybe more abused women would be less afraid to speak up and seek help if they didn't have to worry about being criticized and blamed by people who think the way you do.

 eta:  Like you, I grew up in a home where no one hit or ridiculed each other.  I've never lived in a home where that happened.  But that doesn't mean I can't have some understanding and empathy for people who are victims of abuse.  We can certainly feel compassion for people in situations that are different than our own.

[RoughDraft]

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@occasionalrain wrote:

I admit to growing up in a home where no one hit or ridiculed anyone so it's hard for me to relate to someone whose experience was the opposite. I understand to some abuse is normal; what I don't understand and find unacceptable is putting others in danger. Why do these women call the police who risk their lives to rescue them only to return. To me, there is no justification for that.

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Justification?  There are so many branches on the tree of abuse that many of us who haven't suffered through this "can't see the forest for the trees."

You speak of women calling the police then returning.  However, there are many who are able to finally break away from their abusers and what happens?  Many of the abusers track down their prey and finish the job.  How many stories have we read in the news where this happens?  Oftentimes, the abusers not only kill their exes, but innocent co-workers, their own children, etc.  I could go on, but why iterate what many of us already know?

@occasionalrain

[JaneMarple]

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@RoughDraft wrote:

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@occasionalrain wrote:

I admit to growing up in a home where no one hit or ridiculed anyone so it's hard for me to relate to someone whose experience was the opposite. I understand to some abuse is normal; what I don't understand and find unacceptable is putting others in danger. Why do these women call the police who risk their lives to rescue them only to return. To me, there is no justification for that.

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Justification?  There are so many branches on the tree of abuse that many of us who haven't suffered through this "can't see the forest for the trees."

You speak of women calling the police then returning.  However, there are many who are able to finally break away from their abusers and what happens?  Many of the abusers track down their prey and finish the job.  How many stories have we read in the news where this happens?  Oftentimes, the abusers not only kill their exes, but innocent co-workers, their own children, etc.  I could go on, but why iterate what many of us already know?

@occasionalrain

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BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!