MY DAUGHTER SUGGESTED...

Lindsays Grandma · ‎03-10-2010

1. I get the names of my children tattooed on my body. I told her I already did. They are called "STRETCH MARKS."

2. A cop with a drug sniffing dog said to me, "The dog tells me you're on drugs." I said, "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."

3. Never go to bed angry...Stay awake and plot revenge.

4. A cop pulled me over and said, "PAPERS" I said "SCISSORS." I won and drove off.

5. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it never use it.

6. Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need are two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

7. Sometimes late at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the nosy neighbors guessing.

8. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life raft...I would miss you so much.

9. Alcohol does not make you fat, it makes you Lean...against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

10. Instead of calling it a John, I'm going to start calling my bathroom the "Jim." That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.

The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam

Mz iMac · ‎07-26-2014

#3 is right on!

"Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference."

QVCkitty1 · ‎05-23-2015

@Lindsays Grandma wrote:
1. I get the names of my children tattooed on my body. I told her I already did. They are called "STRETCH MARKS."

2. A cop with a drug sniffing dog said to me, "The dog tells me you're on drugs." I said, "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."

3. Never go to bed angry...Stay awake and plot revenge.

4. A cop pulled me over and said, "PAPERS" I said "SCISSORS." I won and drove off.

5. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it never use it.

6. Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need are two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

7. Sometimes late at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the nosy neighbors guessing.

8. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life raft...I would miss you so much.

9. Alcohol does not make you fat, it makes you Lean...against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

10. Instead of calling it a John, I'm going to start calling my bathroom the "Jim." That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.

@Lindsays Grandma , This is some of your best work ! 🤣🤣

" You are entitled to your opinion. But you are not entitled to your own facts."
Daniel Patrick Moynihan

on the bay · ‎03-09-2010

#4 and #7 haha!

"If you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you'll learn things you never knew. Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains? can you paint with all the colors of the wind?"