MIL DIL issue - Page 26

croemer · ‎03-10-2010

On 4/7/2014 Melania2 said:
On 4/7/2014 croemer said:
I think the bits and pieces come out as the posters question Nancy...kind of like an inquisition. LOL

No it isn't at all...it's for more brownie points.

Whattttttttt?

Nancy you have more then answered the questions...at this point may be giving way too many details of your life. JMO(is that allowed?)

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**Careful... I have caps lock and I am not afraid to use it.**

Nancy Drew · ‎03-11-2010

On 4/7/2014 beammeupscottie said:
On 4/7/2014 Nancy Drew said:
On 4/7/2014 Melania2 said:
She is raising your grandchildren which should be the most precious thing in the world to you, yet you call her boring. Raising kids isn't a day on the links, it's hard work and not always the most exciting thing...but that is the most important job in the world.

You said you worked...did you raise your son or have care for him?

I was in the Navy and for 5 years I was married and had a baby. Got out on the 2nd baby. He stayed in for 25 years as I raised 2 boys on my own as he had more sea time than most. I haven't worked formally since than however I was cub scout mom, band mom ,football mom. I have paid my dues. Then we came back to my parents and mom had mobility problems that I helped with while renovaing a fixer upper. She is mobile now so it is my time. I am done apologizing for my decision. BTW probably spelled a lot wrong. For some reasom my spelling is getting horrible lately.

You have nothing to apologize for from what you have posted.

Thank you. I think when you post a personal issue people project what has happen to them or what they would want in their situation. I knew that going in. I think MIL DIL is a hard relationship for many many people. You can only do what at the time you think is right. Will I have regrets later? Maybe.

Wrong is still wrong just because you benefited from it.

Nancy Drew · ‎03-11-2010

On 4/7/2014 croemer said:
On 4/7/2014 Melania2 said:
On 4/7/2014 croemer said:
I think the bits and pieces come out as the posters question Nancy...kind of like an inquisition. LOL

No it isn't at all...it's for more brownie points.

Whattttttttt?

Nancy you have more then answered the questions...at this point may be giving way too many details of your life. JMO(is that allowed?)

I am begining to think so too!

Wrong is still wrong just because you benefited from it.

scotttie · ‎03-09-2010

On 4/7/2014 Nancy Drew said:
On 4/7/2014 beammeupscottie said:
On 4/7/2014 Nancy Drew said:
On 4/7/2014 Melania2 said:
She is raising your grandchildren which should be the most precious thing in the world to you, yet you call her boring. Raising kids isn't a day on the links, it's hard work and not always the most exciting thing...but that is the most important job in the world.

You said you worked...did you raise your son or have care for him?

I was in the Navy and for 5 years I was married and had a baby. Got out on the 2nd baby. He stayed in for 25 years as I raised 2 boys on my own as he had more sea time than most. I haven't worked formally since than however I was cub scout mom, band mom ,football mom. I have paid my dues. Then we came back to my parents and mom had mobility problems that I helped with while renovaing a fixer upper. She is mobile now so it is my time. I am done apologizing for my decision. BTW probably spelled a lot wrong. For some reasom my spelling is getting horrible lately.

You have nothing to apologize for from what you have posted.

Thank you. I think when you post a personal issue people project what has happen to them or what they would want in their situation. I knew that going in. I think MIL DIL is a hard relationship for many many people. You can only do what at the time you think is right. Will I have regrets later? Maybe.

I agree with what you said much earlier. You are in a situation where perhaps it is a no win. I don't have sons so I can't really relate to what you are going through but my friends have sons. One is super involved in her child's life and the other is more detached and interested in doing her own thing since she raised her children. Neither is wrong ....just different.

I have a daughter. And I love to be with my grands but I am not afraid to say no.

tansy · ‎01-02-2011

On 4/7/2014 kdgn said:
Nancy's husband is a little closer to the situation and has a better understanding of what is going on. If the second thing he said was the DIL needs to get friends, I would tend to agree with him.

And if the grandkids see Nancy being nice to their mother, why would anyone think they would hold that against her? Nancy has said she's not rude, she's just not chummy with her. If there is an "attitude" from the grandkids later on I would suspect it comes from the DIL rather than Nancy. She openly says she does things with the oldest, the other two are still too young. Their turns will come as they get older.

DIL needs to chill.

Maybe the husband is right or maybe he wants to keep the peace in his own home.

Irshgrl31201 · ‎03-18-2010

I also agree that you don't have anything to apologize for. I realize different families have different dynamics and when I post I can only post based off of my experiences. As I have said before I only have one daughter and we are freakishly close. I had her when I was young (19) and we just click. I didn't like her first real boyfriend at all but I made an effort to get to know him. I hoped she would see that he didn't fit into our family without us telling her and she did. We killed that poor kid with kindness. Lol...

Now with her husband we honestly couldn't have picked someone out better. He has a warped since of humor just like the rest of our family and I text him as much as I text and call my daughter. We have this weird inside joke in our family, it is called how would you rather die. The challenger gives the challengee two gruesome ways to die and you have to chose one. We do it any time of the day usually at weird times. I knew he was part of our family when he called me at work one day and asked "Death by standing in front of a bus or being eaten by a pack of wolves?". Lol...

Even if I thought he was boring or not crazy about his personality I would make an effort to find a common ground with him and try to be part of his life but I realize my life is my life and I can't expect others to have the same and they can't expect me to have theirs.

I hope you can at least feel comfortable around each other because whether you realize it or not the kids can pick up even small body language.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
JFK

occasionalrain · ‎03-10-2010

On 4/7/2014 beammeupscottie said:
On 4/7/2014 pridequeen said:
On 4/7/2014 beammeupscottie said:
On 4/7/2014 Nancy Drew said:
On 4/7/2014 muttmom said:
On 4/6/2014 Nancy Drew said:
I'm joking. She hurt my feelings so I am just being sarcastic. I have never ever said anything to her about her character. Why would I? Yet it is okay if she says it to me. Poor me!

That could be the problem. She may not understand your sarcasm. I remember a thread last week where you hurt another person's feelings by saying you cannot fix stupid. Calling your DIL boring is something better kept to yourself.

I do not think it is in anyone's best interest to point out you spent 2 nights with a grandchild so the parents could be with another child while that child had surgery. That's what family does.

As far as last week with that poster she made fun of my opinion first. You hit me I am going to hit you back. I have never ever called her boring to her face. As far as babysitting for surgery that is what family does of course. That being said she should appreciate that I was there for her as her mother and sister was not. I have decided I am not going to change a thing. I have reached the age where I have worked hard and it is about me. I have earned my time. I have raised my kids and now want a social life. What I have learned is in the MIL DIL issues MIL can't win.

Good for you Nancy!

wow, cheering her on for this statement. And you as I've read, have grandchildren. I would not have expected that kind of cold response from you. I was under the impression one can have a social life AND spend time with family and grandchildren. The OP just let us know exactly what I was trying to say in my earlier post. There is a lot more going on than one instance about calling her ice queen. She wants no part of the life her son's family is offering.

Yes, I have grandchildren and I adore them. What does that have to do with the issues the OP is having. Her issue is with the daughter in law not the grandchildren. You are mischaracterizing the issue when you say that she wants no part of the life her son's family is offering.

She was called names by the dil, was scolded for the things she DID try to do for the grandchildren and yet she is in the wrong? I don't get that.

I also applaud her for not dragging her son into the middle of it all. She sounds like a woman of character to me.

I agree. This DIL is controlling and needy. There is nothing attractive about that. She is lucky to have a MIL who stays out of her marriage, buys them gifts, and makes no demands. Now this DIL wants to take over the MIL's life, making accusations and whining that the MIL doesn't spend time with her. I wouldn't want to spend time with her either.

baddest_dog · ‎04-29-2010

On 4/7/2014 occasional rain said:
On 4/7/2014 beammeupscottie said:
On 4/7/2014 pridequeen said:
On 4/7/2014 beammeupscottie said:
On 4/7/2014 Nancy Drew said:
On 4/7/2014 muttmom said:
On 4/6/2014 Nancy Drew said:
I'm joking. She hurt my feelings so I am just being sarcastic. I have never ever said anything to her about her character. Why would I? Yet it is okay if she says it to me. Poor me!

That could be the problem. She may not understand your sarcasm. I remember a thread last week where you hurt another person's feelings by saying you cannot fix stupid. Calling your DIL boring is something better kept to yourself.

I do not think it is in anyone's best interest to point out you spent 2 nights with a grandchild so the parents could be with another child while that child had surgery. That's what family does.

As far as last week with that poster she made fun of my opinion first. You hit me I am going to hit you back. I have never ever called her boring to her face. As far as babysitting for surgery that is what family does of course. That being said she should appreciate that I was there for her as her mother and sister was not. I have decided I am not going to change a thing. I have reached the age where I have worked hard and it is about me. I have earned my time. I have raised my kids and now want a social life. What I have learned is in the MIL DIL issues MIL can't win.

Good for you Nancy!

wow, cheering her on for this statement. And you as I've read, have grandchildren. I would not have expected that kind of cold response from you. I was under the impression one can have a social life AND spend time with family and grandchildren. The OP just let us know exactly what I was trying to say in my earlier post. There is a lot more going on than one instance about calling her ice queen. She wants no part of the life her son's family is offering.

Yes, I have grandchildren and I adore them. What does that have to do with the issues the OP is having. Her issue is with the daughter in law not the grandchildren. You are mischaracterizing the issue when you say that she wants no part of the life her son's family is offering.

She was called names by the dil, was scolded for the things she DID try to do for the grandchildren and yet she is in the wrong? I don't get that.

I also applaud her for not dragging her son into the middle of it all. She sounds like a woman of character to me.

I agree. This DIL is controlling and needy. There is nothing attractive about that. She is lucky to have a MIL who stays out of her marriage, buys them gifts, and makes no demands. Now this DIL wants to take over the MIL's life, making accusations and whining that the MIL doesn't spend time with her. I wouldn't want to spend time with her either.

that's an awful big jump from DIL saying she would like to spend more time with her to your saying she wants to take over her MIL life. I don't think it was ever conveyed that the DIL wanted to monopolize her life. And to those who spoke about finding a common ground? Well, I would say those children/grandchildren are about as common a ground as one could have. I found nothing the OP said in any of her posts suggesting her DIL is needy or controlling. The MIL is done with the kind of life young families with kids have, she wants to have fun posting on forums and playing golf and such. She has said repeatedly she earned it and deserves it. So I doubt she much thinks about nor cares about what kind of relationship she will have with these kids when they grow up. She apparently lives for today, not what the future brings. It's her life and her choices to live with. I don't know why we've all invested any of our time reading and responding to her post as she never wanted any advice on this matter anyway.

AuntG · ‎03-09-2010

You sound like an ideal MIL. Can't help but think she wishes she had not said those things to you.

focksie · ‎03-04-2012

Mistake #1: Calling your MIL an Ice Queen. It's totally out of line and disrespectful. Everyone here just imagine how you would feel or what you would be thinking if YOUR DIL said that to you. Surely there is a better way to convey one's feelings about one's dissatisfaction with a relationship.

Mistake #2: When DIL did apologize for that, the OP missed a golden opportunity to meet DIL halfway. "Boring" is not the greatest excuse to forego a relationship with a family member, but I'm sure the OP has thought about that and has decided what her priority is. So be it.