Community Chat

[Allegheny]

As an outside observer this is what I sense.

By your own words, "I respect her as that is who my son choose"; "Other than the kids and son we have nothing in common". DH's comment, "as long as we are kind to her".

It appears to me that she feels left out of the family unit and this may be hurtful to her. When she hears from the kids the wonderful time they've had with you and DH, it probably bothers her that you all can't have enjoyable times together and she resents that. She probably also is well aware of your disinterest in her, other then the fact she is your son's spouse and mother of your grandchildren. She may even feel that you feel you are better than her.

Granted if she was more involved with friends or activities she probably could care less about you, but since she is not it gives her something to dwell on.

Just an outsider's look on things, not meant to be harsh or hurtful.

[scotttie]

On 4/6/2014 Libbylady said:

Nancy, You may not want to hear this, but the more I have read, the more I am reminded of the years when we belonged to a country club. As one who didn't play golf or tennis I began to dread the social functions we attended. Anyone who is so dedicated to one thing, such as golf, running, biking, etc can become unable to carry on conversations with others who do not share this one passion.

I'll say the same for men (mostly) who are obsessed with a sports team. It becomes "real life" to them and their day is made or broken by what the team does at a game.

You have begun to sound like a person who has narrowed down to a few intrests and someone who doesn't share your game,or church work,is boring to you. I sense you could "take or leave" time with your grandhildren,rather than finding time with them as a joyful thing. Many of us on this BB don't quite get that, since time with our grands is one of our favorite things, and we don't think of it as "babysitting".

Perhaps you need the accolades you get on the greens, or from church people who reward you with compliments. Doesn't sound like your DH is giving you much attention except perhaps as a golf partner.

Your DIL probably has no intrest in your golf scores or church kitchen duties! Do you know any other topics to discuss? Practice feining an intrest in what your son's family likes to do. If they don't do anything... shame on your son!

Talk about her children, ask about their special intrests, really get to know them. Face it, it just isn't all about you anymore.

That seems an odd thing to say when the OP has said that she takes care of her own elderly parents and volunteers at her church. The OP raised her children and now spends time doing good works and enjoys a game of golf. I don't see how that is making it all about herself.

[shesallthat]

On 4/6/2014 Lila Belle said:

JMO but it seems your DIL wants a relationship with you.

i disagree. you don't call someone an ""ice queen"" and expect them to want to hang out with you! i think she wants a babysitter at her beck and call.

[irishmama5]

To me an Ice Queen is someone that is aloof, cold and not easy to get along with, what does that have to do with babysitting your grand children ?

[heartkeeper]

The way that you wrote about giving up ""two overnights so mommy and daddy can take another child for surgery"" shows that your DIL might be right about you.

Of course you have a lot of supporters here who will smear your DIL just because you posted this bit one-sided info. But it does seem as if your DIL would like to spend time with you and apparently not just for babysitting. Why would that offend you? Make an effort to have a better relationship with her. It might be quite rewarding.

[Lila Belle]

On 4/7/2014 shesallthat said:

On 4/6/2014 Lila Belle said:

JMO but it seems your DIL wants a relationship with <em>you.</em>

i disagree. you don't call someone an "ice queen" and expect them to want to hang out with you! i think she wants a babysitter at her beck and call.

"She said I am either golfing, volunteering at church or hanging with my own elder parents. If she knew how much time I wasted here it on QVC it would blow her mind."

[focksie]

On 4/6/2014 Nancy Drew said:

Okay now she just called to say sorry that she if she hurt my feelings but she wasn't sorry she said that. Her other complaint was that I give them too many treats and gifts. Okay.. Now my head is spinning. Mommies always trump grandmas so it is her way as that was it was when mine were little. I can give less treats and gifts, I didn't know. My mil was very frugal so I didn't have the over indulgent issue. I guess my ego is taking a bruising and I turned the phone off in case there are more she wants to scold me for tonight. Men never have this issue. My husband is on the computer stress free, the little bugger.

I only got up to post #21 and it stopped me in my tracks.

Complaints galore. DIL first complains you don't spend enough time with her, then she complains that you (give too much attention) by giving too many treats and gifts. It sounds like DIL should be grateful she has an MIL who doesn't interfere or pester or make demands or is controlling in any way. Furthermore, if she was even halfway serious when she called you an "Ice Queen", she's not too intelligent either. That is rude in the first place. In the second place, it's stupid to call your MIL something like that.

[focksie]

On 4/6/2014 beammeupscottie said:

On 4/6/2014 Libbylady said:

Nancy, You may not want to hear this, but the more I have read, the more I am reminded of the years when we belonged to a country club. As one who didn't play golf or tennis I began to dread the social functions we attended. Anyone who is so dedicated to one thing, such as golf, running, biking, etc can become unable to carry on conversations with others who do not share this one passion.

I'll say the same for men (mostly) who are obsessed with a sports team. It becomes "real life" to them and their day is made or broken by what the team does at a game.

You have begun to sound like a person who has narrowed down to a few intrests and someone who doesn't share your game,or church work,is boring to you. I sense you could "take or leave" time with your grandhildren,rather than finding time with them as a joyful thing. Many of us on this BB don't quite get that, since time with our grands is one of our favorite things, and we don't think of it as "babysitting".

Perhaps you need the accolades you get on the greens, or from church people who reward you with compliments. Doesn't sound like your DH is giving you much attention except perhaps as a golf partner.

Your DIL probably has no intrest in your golf scores or church kitchen duties! Do you know any other topics to discuss? Practice feining an intrest in what your son's family likes to do. If they don't do anything... shame on your son!

Talk about her children, ask about their special intrests, really get to know them. Face it, it just isn't all about you anymore.

That seems an odd thing to say when the OP has said that she takes care of her own elderly parents and volunteers at her church. The OP raised her children and now spends time doing good works and enjoys a game of golf. I don't see how that is making it all about herself.

Absolutely agree. The OP has reached a point in her life where she should be able to do the things she enjoys. I'm sure she's worked plenty hard her adult life raising and providing for her children. Now is HER time. Although I think lunch with her DIL now and then is a very appropriate solution. I also agree with those who suspect DIL just wants a handy babysitter.

[focksie]

My MIL was so into our lives that I couldn't take it. She was the cause of our divorce many, many years ago. She wanted to be involved with everything we did, all our major decisions, she bought her son clothes and sent them long distance, she "demanded" we call her so many times a week at such and such a time. I guess she felt she was losing her son to me and tried to cling in whatever way she could. It was stifling. There are extremes of DIL/MIL relationships and you have to reach a comfortable balance for you.

[stevieb]

On 4/6/2014 occasional rain said:

On 4/6/2014 Lucky Charm said:

In your opening post you said not to be around and pestering her, isn't that what all DILs want?

No, I wanted a relationship with my MIL and I wanted a close relationship with my DILs and SIL. They are my family. There is a lot to talk about. The kids for one.

You said you 'babysit' the 7 year old but the others are too little. Oh my gosh, I stayed with mine when they were hours old (let the mommies sleep!).

I have deep maternal instincts and these girls my sons married are as important to me as my own daughter!

If she said this to you then your son is aware of it. Wonder why he hasn't spoken to you? Wonder why you haven't spoken to him about it? Do you think he'll be mad at you (or her) or agree with his wife you are an ice queen?

Could your own son consider you an ice queen?

Oh I want to edit this to add: My mother in law turned out to be an ice queen, but about <em>17 years into the marriage</em>. Thus I became an 'Ice Queen Daughter in Law' and wore it well. LOL.

You may be very maternal and enjoy spending your time with babies but some women find babies boring, all they do is eat, sleep, and need diaper changes. Not my idea of a stimulating day.

The OP did her job. It's fine to 'expect' grandparents to pitch in on occasion, but not to expect a built in baby sitter.

Personally, I'd let this one percolate for a bit before doing anything. I certainly wouldn't rush to find some forced bonding experience, which will only seem artificial and probably leave you both feeling uncomfortable. If, down the road, a real opportunity comes along to spend time together then maybe take advantage of it. I'd also hope DIL might realize she didn't state her case particularly well and perhaps she will bring it up again... All that said, whenever feedback is tendered, it usually does serve us well to look at it, and only we can discern whether or not the feedback has some merit that might point us in a different direction, as related to our interactions with the person giving the feedback. Under no circumstances though, would I feel compelled to make myself her built in backup for childcare, nor would I permit myself to be completely at the mercy of her opinion.