MIL DIL issue - Page 10

pattypeep · ‎06-06-2011

If it had been me on the receiving end, I believe I would have said (as sincerely as I could muster after being called an Ice Queen), "Sweetheart (or whatever), what would you like to see done differently that would make you happy?" PS: Doesn't mean you have to do it.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea-Robert A. Heinlein

ROMARY · ‎04-28-2010

I would forget everything she said, and start all over again. Just invite her to lunch once a week, or go for a walk, to a museum, find something 'different' to do. Be consistent, be cheerful. Don't buy tons of 'gifts', etc. You can buy them, but donate them to a children's charity or children's hospital. If you want to give your grandchildren 'gifts', draw them 'pretty' pictures, make them special cards, do crafts together, etc. They will benefit so much more in the long run. Just remember: Forgive and forget. Start a new day, a new path.

'More or less', 'Right or wrong', 'In general', and 'Just thinking out loud ' (as usual).

occasionalrain · ‎03-10-2010

On 4/6/2014 Nancy Drew said:
On 4/6/2014 maryebrown said:
On 4/6/2014 Nancy Drew said:
Okay now she just called to say sorry that she if she hurt my feelings but she wasn't sorry she said that. Her other complaint was that I give them too many treats and gifts. Okay.. Now my head is spinning. Mommies always trump grandmas so it is her way as that was it was when mine were little. I can give less treats and gifts, I didn't know. My mil was very frugal so I didn't have the over indulgent issue. I guess my ego is taking a bruising and I turned the phone off in case there are more she wants to scold me for tonight. Men never have this issue. My husband is on the computer stress free, the little bugger.

I would talk to your DH about it, get his perspective. I don't think you're overreacting, if I was in your position, I'd be peeved at her "playing games". IMO she needs to own up to her verbal abuse of you and REALLY apologize (and mean it)!

DH said " as long as we are kind to her" she scored. She needs to make friends." Then he went to putt in the back yard. A big talker that one.

I'm with your husband on this one. Since your DIL is into expressing her feelings, filter free, maybe it's time you expressed your feelings too. Maybe you should tell her you are busy doing what you enjoy and while you appreciate that she is a good mother and stunning, spending time with her is boring.

evelomaddict · ‎04-06-2013

every mother should be so lucky to have a daughter in law that wants to spend time with her. imo

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?" Hillel

occasionalrain · ‎03-10-2010

On 4/6/2014 Lucky Charm said:
In your opening post you said not to be around and pestering her, isn't that what all DILs want?

No, I wanted a relationship with my MIL and I wanted a close relationship with my DILs and SIL. They are my family. There is a lot to talk about. The kids for one.

You said you 'babysit' the 7 year old but the others are too little. Oh my gosh, I stayed with mine when they were hours old (let the mommies sleep!).

I have deep maternal instincts and these girls my sons married are as important to me as my own daughter!

If she said this to you then your son is aware of it. Wonder why he hasn't spoken to you? Wonder why you haven't spoken to him about it? Do you think he'll be mad at you (or her) or agree with his wife you are an ice queen?

Could your own son consider you an ice queen?

Oh I want to edit this to add: My mother in law turned out to be an ice queen, but about 17 years into the marriage. Thus I became an 'Ice Queen Daughter in Law' and wore it well. LOL.

You may be very maternal and enjoy spending your time with babies but some women find babies boring, all they do is eat, sleep, and need diaper changes. Not my idea of a stimulating day.

JustJules · ‎06-25-2013

I was married young in my 20's to my HS sweetheart, and unfortunately it didn't work out. We grew and changed, and he cheated... but through all of that I adored my MIL (and FIL too), it was the Ex that needed to go. Even after our divorce, I remained friends with my MIL and we did lots of things together, always tried to get together once a month for lunch, and would go hiking together on weekends. She always made me feel like a daughter and part of their family, and we just agreed not to discuss my Ex during our time together... we had a bond it didn't need to end because of decisions her son made. I had always heard the "horror stories" about MIL's, but she was the best ever.

Maybe your DIL really wants to spend quality time with you... granted, her delivery is lacking, but perhaps try not to get defensive and view this as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with her. I think it would be far worse if she didn't want to spend time with you. Maybe you need to take her along during some of the activities you participate in, so she can see you have a busy life... try to include her, find some common interests. Like I did with my MIL, she loved to garden, so I would sometimes help her with that, or we would just go shopping, and we both had a love for the outdoors, so going for hikes was a favorite. In fact, it was my MIL that got me into hiking 14'rs. Find something you share in common, besides your son and grandkids. It might just open up a whole new world of possibilities for you both. Best of luck! Smile

JJ · ‎04-15-2010

On 4/6/2014 Lila Belle said:
On 4/6/2014 Nancy Drew said:
On 4/6/2014 croemer said:
Well...she sure handled it poorly. What fun you guys are going to have on the Holidays.

Yeah....I'm having Easter. I have to be myself as I can't be anything other. As the Ice Queen I have thought about playing the song from Frozen...Let it go Let it go the cold never bothered me anyway.

poor girl.

Totally agree, "poor girl" Heaven forbid, your DIL, your son's wife and grandchildren's mother, wants to have a good relationship with you. And you can't trouble yourself to spend time with her because she is boring. I'm sorry but you DO sound "icy" to me. Glad you are not MY mother-in-law.

occasionalrain · ‎03-10-2010

On 4/6/2014 JJ said:
On 4/6/2014 Lila Belle said:
On 4/6/2014 Nancy Drew said:
On 4/6/2014 croemer said:
Well...she sure handled it poorly. What fun you guys are going to have on the Holidays.

Yeah....I'm having Easter. I have to be myself as I can't be anything other. As the Ice Queen I have thought about playing the song from Frozen...Let it go Let it go the cold never bothered me anyway.

poor girl.

Totally agree, "poor girl" Heaven forbid, your DIL, your son's wife and grandchildren's mother, wants to have a good relationship with you. And you can't trouble yourself to spend time with her because she is boring. I'm sorry but you DO sound "icy" to me. Glad you are not MY mother-in-law.

Life is short, much of it spent working at a job and caring for children. After the children are grown and on their own often elderly parents need caring. Finally, the time comes to spend it on oneself and enjoy doing things with one's husband. If a DIL wants a close relationship with her MIL she should have considered that when choosing her husband.

It's not fair for a MIL to expect her DIL to spend time with her and it's not fair for a DIL to expect that of her MIL.

Libbylady · ‎03-09-2010

Nancy, You may not want to hear this, but the more I have read, the more I am reminded of the years when we belonged to a country club. As one who didn't play golf or tennis I began to dread the social functions we attended. Anyone who is so dedicated to one thing, such as golf, running, biking, etc can become unable to carry on conversations with others who do not share this one passion.

I'll say the same for men (mostly) who are obsessed with a sports team. It becomes "real life" to them and their day is made or broken by what the team does at a game.

You have begun to sound like a person who has narrowed down to a few intrests and someone who doesn't share your game,or church work,is boring to you. I sense you could "take or leave" time with your grandhildren,rather than finding time with them as a joyful thing. Many of us on this BB don't quite get that, since time with our grands is one of our favorite things, and we don't think of it as "babysitting".

Perhaps you need the accolades you get on the greens, or from church people who reward you with compliments. Doesn't sound like your DH is giving you much attention except perhaps as a golf partner.

Your DIL probably has no intrest in your golf scores or church kitchen duties! Do you know any other topics to discuss? Practice feining an intrest in what your son's family likes to do. If they don't do anything... shame on your son!

Talk about her children, ask about their special intrests, really get to know them. Face it, it just isn't all about you anymore.