Community Chat

[serenity4ever]

On 4/7/2014 Nancy Drew said:

On 4/7/2014 serenity4ever said:

On 4/7/2014 Nancy Drew said:

On 4/7/2014 muttmom said:

On 4/6/2014 Nancy Drew said:

I'm joking. She hurt my feelings so I am just being sarcastic. I have never ever said anything to her about her character. Why would I? Yet it is okay if she says it to me. Poor me!

That could be the problem. She may not understand your sarcasm. I remember a thread last week where you hurt another person's feelings by saying you cannot fix stupid. Calling your DIL boring is something better kept to yourself.

I do not think it is in anyone's best interest to point out you spent 2 nights with a grandchild so the parents could be with another child while that child had surgery. That's what family does.

As far as last week with that poster she made fun of my opinion first. You hit me I am going to hit you back. I have never ever called her boring to her face. As far as babysitting for surgery that is what family does of course. That being said she should appreciate that I was there for her as her mother and sister was not. I have decided I am not going to change a thing. I have reached the age where I have worked hard and it is about me. I have earned my time. I have raised my kids and now want a social life. What I have learned is in the MIL DIL issues MIL can't win.

So you had no intention of really getting to know your DIL. And you just outlined that you have worked hard and it is all about you. Your earlier post about preferring a root canal rather than spending time with her....bore and all that she is, were your true feelings.

And I would reverse your last sentence...... In the DIL MIL issues the DIL can't win....or at least in your case.

I have known her for 10 years.

And your opinion of her is that she is boring and you would rather have a root canal than be in the same room with her. So why do you think she called you an Ice Queen?

[bathina]

After reading some of these posts I'm thanking the universe for the outstanding, loving and close relationships I have with my mil and son in law. My grandchild is the joy of my life and we voluntarily take him on Friday night to give his parents some breathing room. We do not butt into their private affairs, but we're always available to help with anything they need. And we don't wait for them to ask. We offer.

[kdgn]

This is about expectations and roles. The MIL/DIL roles can be complicated or they can be smooth. In this case, both the MIL and the DIL have different ideas as to what their roles in life are. I can understand that. But Nancy, over the years I'm sure that your DIL has figured out that you have no desire to spend time with her at all. You say her sister is fun, she has probably picked up on that too. Sisters can have an unspoken competition going on and you stepped into it.

My take on her conversation with you is this: You had brought your grandchild home, grandchild was going on and on about how much fun he had with you and she was a little bit jealous. You do things with and for the grandchildren but you don't make time for her.

I'm not sure I understand her desire to be buddy-buddy with you when it's obvious neither one of you has shared interest other than your son and the grandchildren. You're not a replacement for her mother, it's not your problem that her mother lives elsewhere. You're also not a built-in babysitter. You will help out when needed, take the kids when you want to. Giving them too many treats? That you need to work out with her. But giving them too many gifts? Isn't that what grandparents are allowed to do? My son's grandmother brought him something every time she went to town. She was allowed. It was what she wanted to do. Her money, do what she wants with it. That criticism is a stretch.

I know you said you weren't going to change a thing, but perhaps sometime in the future you could sit down with her and ask her just what she expects from you as a MIL? I think your non-interfering attitude is a good one. You stay out of their business, something that every MIL should remember. And maybe she should be spoken to in a friendly way about how this is your time to enjoy life with your husband. But tone down the attitude. In the case of acquaintances you can avoid the boring ones, but not with your son's wife. Find something about her that's interesting. She's a good mother-you've said so yourself. So dig a little deeper.

If you lived thousands of miles away from them, what then would she expect? I'm in that situation and am not close to my DIL. She is extremely close to her mother and I've let her set the tone. She's a lovely young woman, perfect for our son and if she doesn't want weekly phone calls or shared emails, that's up to her.

[Nancy Drew]

On 4/7/2014 serenity4ever said:

On 4/7/2014 Nancy Drew said:

On 4/7/2014 serenity4ever said:

On 4/7/2014 Nancy Drew said:

On 4/7/2014 muttmom said:

On 4/6/2014 Nancy Drew said:

I'm joking. She hurt my feelings so I am just being sarcastic. I have never ever said anything to her about her character. Why would I? Yet it is okay if she says it to me. Poor me!

That could be the problem. She may not understand your sarcasm. I remember a thread last week where you hurt another person's feelings by saying you cannot fix stupid. Calling your DIL boring is something better kept to yourself.

I do not think it is in anyone's best interest to point out you spent 2 nights with a grandchild so the parents could be with another child while that child had surgery. That's what family does.

As far as last week with that poster she made fun of my opinion first. You hit me I am going to hit you back. I have never ever called her boring to her face. As far as babysitting for surgery that is what family does of course. That being said she should appreciate that I was there for her as her mother and sister was not. I have decided I am not going to change a thing. I have reached the age where I have worked hard and it is about me. I have earned my time. I have raised my kids and now want a social life. What I have learned is in the MIL DIL issues MIL can't win.

So you had no intention of really getting to know your DIL. And you just outlined that you have worked hard and it is all about you. Your earlier post about preferring a root canal rather than spending time with her....bore and all that she is, were your true feelings.

And I would reverse your last sentence...... In the DIL MIL issues the DIL can't win....or at least in your case.

I have known her for 10 years.

And your opinion of her is that she is boring and you would rather have a root canal than be in the same room with her. So why do you think she called you an Ice Queen?

I have no idea. I have decided it is her issue and I am going to enjoy this stage in life after all the hard work. I am not asking her to change. Sometimes it is what it is and on that note I am off to hit a bucket of balls and then take Mom out to lunch. Have a nice day everyone. Hope the weather is springlike!

[Lucky Charm]

On 4/7/2014 occasional rain said:

On 4/7/2014 Nancy Drew said:

On 4/7/2014 muttmom said:

On 4/6/2014 Nancy Drew said:

I'm joking. She hurt my feelings so I am just being sarcastic. I have never ever said anything to her about her character. Why would I? Yet it is okay if she says it to me. Poor me!

That could be the problem. She may not understand your sarcasm. I remember a thread last week where you hurt another person's feelings by saying you cannot fix stupid. Calling your DIL boring is something better kept to yourself.

I do not think it is in anyone's best interest to point out you spent 2 nights with a grandchild so the parents could be with another child while that child had surgery. That's what family does.

As far as last week with that poster she made fun of my opinion first. You hit me I am going to hit you back. I have never ever called her boring to her face. As far as babysitting for surgery that is what family does of course. That being said she should appreciate that I was there for her as her mother and sister was not. I have decided I am not going to change a thing. I have reached the age where I have worked hard and it is about me. I have earned my time. I have raised my kids and now want a social life. What I have learned is in the MIL DIL issues MIL can't win.

Good decision. This DIL wants attention, wants to control your life and choices. My sympathy to your son, living with this rude demanding woman can't be fun.

My sympathies go to OP's husband.

And to respond to your earlier post quoting me where you said some woman find babies boring or not stimulating. I guess I can respect that.

I find my grandchildren fascinating. They are images of me and my husband and our own children and I am just so in love with them.

And taking care of a precious newborn to a toddler learning to walk is heartwarming to me. I don't even consider it 'babysitting'.

They aren't just dirty diapers that scream 24/7. I didn't waste away any 'ME' time being with them. I consider them part of my 'ME' time.

[lulu2]

On 4/7/2014 Nancy Drew said:

On 4/7/2014 muttmom said:

On 4/6/2014 Nancy Drew said:

I'm joking. She hurt my feelings so I am just being sarcastic. I have never ever said anything to her about her character. Why would I? Yet it is okay if she says it to me. Poor me!

That could be the problem. She may not understand your sarcasm. I remember a thread last week where you hurt another person's feelings by saying you cannot fix stupid. Calling your DIL boring is something better kept to yourself.

I do not think it is in anyone's best interest to point out you spent 2 nights with a grandchild so the parents could be with another child while that child had surgery. That's what family does.

As far as last week with that poster she made fun of my opinion first. You hit me I am going to hit you back. I have never ever called her boring to her face. As far as babysitting for surgery that is what family does of course. That being said she should appreciate that I was there for her as her mother and sister was not. I have decided I am not going to change a thing. I have reached the age where I have worked hard and it is about me. I have earned my time. I have raised my kids and now want a social life. What I have learned is in the MIL DIL issues MIL can't win.

That is your prerogative.

I freely admit, I could not stand my MIL but I did everything possible to never put my husband in an uncomfortable situation.

I love our DIL but there are times I need to bite my tongue. I would never do anything to jeopardize my relationship with our Grands. I would also not compare what I do to what your DIL's family does.

I hope I never get to the point that life is about me.

[Mj12]

On 4/6/2014 Nancy Drew said:

On 4/6/2014 VanSleepy said: You respect that she is the one your son chose, but why should you hang out with her like she's your girlfriend. I'm surprised that's what she wants either - does she not have friends? You don't make yourself available for babysitting? What does that mean?

When she ask I say yes more than I say no but I do say no. Our parish provides the hall and kitchen for funeral mass and we set up for it and serve the alcohol and greet the people who went to Mass but do not go to this parish. I love it and am good at it. When I tell them yes I can't or won't cancel unless it is important. P.S. how else would I find out the gossip? LOL. If I have golf game I say no unless it is really important like a dr's appointment. I do say no.

[Melania]

On 4/7/2014 kdgn said:

This is about expectations and roles. The MIL/DIL roles can be complicated or they can be smooth. In this case, both the MIL and the DIL have different ideas as to what their roles in life are. I can understand that. But Nancy, over the years I'm sure that your DIL has figured out that you have no desire to spend time with her at all. You say her sister is fun, she has probably picked up on that too. Sisters can have an unspoken competition going on and you stepped into it.

My take on her conversation with you is this: You had brought your grandchild home, grandchild was going on and on about how much fun he had with you and she was a little bit jealous. You do things with and for the grandchildren but you don't make time for her.

I'm not sure I understand her desire to be buddy-buddy with you when it's obvious neither one of you has shared interest other than your son and the grandchildren. You're not a replacement for her mother, it's not your problem that her mother lives elsewhere. You're also not a built-in babysitter. You will help out when needed, take the kids when you want to. Giving them too many treats? That you need to work out with her. But giving them too many gifts? Isn't that what grandparents are allowed to do? My son's grandmother brought him something every time she went to town. She was allowed. It was what she wanted to do. Her money, do what she wants with it. That criticism is a stretch.

I know you said you weren't going to change a thing, but perhaps sometime in the future you could sit down with her and ask her just what she expects from you as a MIL? I think your non-interfering attitude is a good one. You stay out of their business, something that every MIL should remember. And maybe she should be spoken to in a friendly way about how this is your time to enjoy life with your husband. But tone down the attitude. In the case of acquaintances you can avoid the boring ones, but not with your son's wife. Find something about her that's interesting. She's a good mother-you've said so yourself. So dig a little deeper.

If you lived thousands of miles away from them, what then would she expect? I'm in that situation and am not close to my DIL. She is extremely close to her mother and I've let her set the tone. She's a lovely young woman, perfect for our son and if she doesn't want weekly phone calls or shared emails, that's up to her.

Well said!!

[Mj12]

On 4/7/2014 Nancy Drew said:

On 4/7/2014 serenity4ever said:

On 4/7/2014 Nancy Drew said:

On 4/7/2014 serenity4ever said:

On 4/7/2014 Nancy Drew said:

On 4/7/2014 muttmom said:

On 4/6/2014 Nancy Drew said:

I'm joking. She hurt my feelings so I am just being sarcastic. I have never ever said anything to her about her character. Why would I? Yet it is okay if she says it to me. Poor me!

That could be the problem. She may not understand your sarcasm. I remember a thread last week where you hurt another person's feelings by saying you cannot fix stupid. Calling your DIL boring is something better kept to yourself.

I do not think it is in anyone's best interest to point out you spent 2 nights with a grandchild so the parents could be with another child while that child had surgery. That's what family does.

As far as last week with that poster she made fun of my opinion first. You hit me I am going to hit you back. I have never ever called her boring to her face. As far as babysitting for surgery that is what family does of course. That being said she should appreciate that I was there for her as her mother and sister was not. I have decided I am not going to change a thing. I have reached the age where I have worked hard and it is about me. I have earned my time. I have raised my kids and now want a social life. What I have learned is in the MIL DIL issues MIL can't win.

So you had no intention of really getting to know your DIL. And you just outlined that you have worked hard and it is all about you. Your earlier post about preferring a root canal rather than spending time with her....bore and all that she is, were your true feelings.

And I would reverse your last sentence...... In the DIL MIL issues the DIL can't win....or at least in your case.

I have known her for 10 years.

And your opinion of her is that she is boring and you would rather have a root canal than be in the same room with her. So why do you think she called you an Ice Queen?

I have no idea. I have decided it is her issue and I am going to enjoy this stage in life after all the hard work. I am not asking her to change. Sometimes it is what it is and on that note I am off to hit a bucket of balls and then take Mom out to lunch. Have a nice day everyone. Hope the weather is springlike!

I guess it really IS all about you. Good luck with that!

[baddest_dog]

well, some of these responses certainly give readers an insight into people's personalities.

I am trying to read objectively but reading the Op's posts, between the lines there seems to be a lot going on other than that she finds her DIL boring. She would rather spend enormous amounts of time on these boards conversing with strangers than be with her DIL? So what does she thrive on then - drama? I doubt that her DIL is that boring, her son must have seen a lot of good in her to marry her and have his children. If she doesn't like the DIL, she can still spend time with the grandkids and eventually that may lead to more quality time with the DIL. And it's amazing that so many posters here support her thinking yet if the DIL was posting on here with her side of the story, they probably would be supporting her and saying the MIL is a cold woman.

As for calling her an ice queen, so what? We weren't there and didn't hear the conversation or the context. Perhaps the DIL was telling her that ND never talks to her and appears icy. If the mother of my grandchildren told me that and tried to open up a conversation with me, I may be hurt, but I also would take the opportunity to have a meaningful conversation and work through it if nothing else but for the sake of my son and his children. IMO, it sounds like the OP has no interest in this family for the most part and would rather spend time doing things only she likes. All in all pretty selfish in my opinion. Has she earned time to herself, of course. But why anyone would not want to cultivate a good relationship with her son and his family is beyond me. I only wish I had grandchildren., I know I could fit in time between my volunteering, animal rescue, gardening, caring for my own elderly parents and spending an hour or so a day on the internet, to see my grandchildren as much as possible. Sadly, I will never have that since my sons don't want to bring children into this troubled world,