Community Chat

[stevieb]

On 4/7/2014 Luv2Decorate said:

On 4/6/2014 Nancy Drew said:

On 4/6/2014 serenity4ever said:

What transpired right before she called you an ice queen? What was the conversation about? Anyone who would call their MIL an ice queen must be aware that it could put quite a wedge in the relationship. How has your relationship been prior to her striking out at you?

I thought for the past ten years it was good. I am in shock. I was dropping off the 7 year old and he was telling all the fun things we did. She pulls me away into another room and that is when she said it.

Here is the problem... After you dropped the 7 yr old off you told her about all of the fun things you did, she is thinking to herself "why doesn't she want to have fun with me?" Her feelings are hurt and she lashed out.

Reach out to her. Find SOMETHING (there has to BE Something) that you two could do together. She wants you to spend time with her. and have fun. IF you find something that interests her, you will probably see a different side of her!

Whether she's boring or not, she is your son's wife and the mother of your grandchildren.

Ask you son what her interests are and search the internet for those things within the area you live.

Wow, so she's put-out, jealous or hurt that her seven year old had fun with his/her grandmother...? Search the internet...? I guess I'm wondering why all the onus seems to fall on the MIL? Would it not be possible for this DIL who is, per some, SO craving attention from the MIL to come up with a suggestion other than babysitting...?

[Cranberries]

On 4/7/2014 stevieb said:

On 4/7/2014 Luv2Decorate said:

On 4/6/2014 Nancy Drew said:

On 4/6/2014 serenity4ever said:

What transpired right before she called you an ice queen? What was the conversation about? Anyone who would call their MIL an ice queen must be aware that it could put quite a wedge in the relationship. How has your relationship been prior to her striking out at you?

I thought for the past ten years it was good. I am in shock. I was dropping off the 7 year old and he was telling all the fun things we did. She pulls me away into another room and that is when she said it.

Here is the problem... After you dropped the 7 yr old off you told her about all of the fun things you did, she is thinking to herself "why doesn't she want to have fun with me?" Her feelings are hurt and she lashed out.

Reach out to her. Find SOMETHING (there has to BE Something) that you two could do together. She wants you to spend time with her. and have fun. IF you find something that interests her, you will probably see a different side of her!

Whether she's boring or not, she is your son's wife and the mother of your grandchildren.

Ask you son what her interests are and search the internet for those things within the area you live.

Wow, so she's put-out, jealous or hurt that her seven year old had fun with his/her grandmother...? Search the internet...? I guess I'm wondering why all the onus seems to fall on the MIL? Would it not be possible for this DIL who is, per some, SO craving attention from the MIL to come up with a suggestion other than babysitting...?

How does anyone here know she hasn't? Maybe the DIL has come up with 5, 10, 15 ideas but the MIL doesn't want to do any of them or finds those ideas 'boring'.

We only have one side of the story to go on.

[shesallthat]

On 4/7/2014 stevieb said:

On 4/7/2014 Luv2Decorate said:

On 4/6/2014 Nancy Drew said:

On 4/6/2014 serenity4ever said:

What transpired right before she called you an ice queen? What was the conversation about? Anyone who would call their MIL an ice queen must be aware that it could put quite a wedge in the relationship. How has your relationship been prior to her striking out at you?

I thought for the past ten years it was good. I am in shock. I was dropping off the 7 year old and he was telling all the fun things we did. She pulls me away into another room and that is when she said it.

Here is the problem... After you dropped the 7 yr old off you told her about all of the fun things you did, she is thinking to herself "why doesn't she want to have fun with me?" Her feelings are hurt and she lashed out.

Reach out to her. Find SOMETHING (there has to BE Something) that you two could do together. She wants you to spend time with her. and have fun. IF you find something that interests her, you will probably see a different side of her!

Whether she's boring or not, she is your son's wife and the mother of your grandchildren.

Ask you son what her interests are and search the internet for those things within the area you live.

Wow, so she's put-out, jealous or hurt that her seven year old had fun with his/her grandmother...? Search the internet...? I guess I'm wondering why all the onus seems to fall on the MIL? Would it not be possible for this DIL who is, per some, SO craving attention from the MIL to come up with a suggestion other than babysitting...?

both of these!!!

[Luv2Decorate]

On 4/7/2014 stevieb said:

On 4/7/2014 Luv2Decorate said:

On 4/6/2014 Nancy Drew said:

On 4/6/2014 serenity4ever said:

What transpired right before she called you an ice queen? What was the conversation about? Anyone who would call their MIL an ice queen must be aware that it could put quite a wedge in the relationship. How has your relationship been prior to her striking out at you?

I thought for the past ten years it was good. I am in shock. I was dropping off the 7 year old and he was telling all the fun things we did. She pulls me away into another room and that is when she said it.

Here is the problem... After you dropped the 7 yr old off you told her about all of the fun things you did, she is thinking to herself "why doesn't she want to have fun with me?" Her feelings are hurt and she lashed out.

Reach out to her. Find SOMETHING (there has to BE Something) that you two could do together. She wants you to spend time with her. and have fun. IF you find something that interests her, you will probably see a different side of her!

Whether she's boring or not, she is your son's wife and the mother of your grandchildren.

Ask you son what her interests are and search the internet for those things within the area you live.

Wow, so she's put-out, jealous or hurt that her seven year old had fun with his/her grandmother...? Search the internet...? I guess I'm wondering why all the onus seems to fall on the MIL? Would it not be possible for this DIL who is, per some, SO craving attention from the MIL to come up with a suggestion other than babysitting...?

Wow, maybe she has asked her MIL to do things?? Who knows? You certainly don't.

Yes, Search the Internet to find concerts, performances, flea markets, museum exhibits coming to the area, great new restaurants to visit, etc... Yes the internet it's a wonderful tool to find things to do.

Why the MIL, because she is the elder and she should take the high road. The DIL feels shut out by the MIL and therefore called her an ice queen.

[KathyPet]

Everyone has different expectations from relationships. Sounds like DIL and MIL have differing thoughts on what this relationship should be. The conversation should be continued with a discussion of what DIL's expectations are. MIL,is then free to agree or disagree.

[ROMARY]

This situation could get 'out of hand'. Read post #91. I would start a new day, meet or pick up your DIL every week to do something different. DIL might meet new people/friends her age while you are out and about exploring with her. As far as 'gifts', as stated in #91, make some cute drawings, cards, etc. for your grandchildren. If you continue to resent each other, it can only lead to life-long resentment. One of you has to take the first step to a better relationship. I wouldn't even 'discuss', just go ahead and 'do'. Change your mindset. Someone once told me that if we act happy, we will end up being happy in the long run. Looking happy is contagious, and before you know it, the happiness will be returned to you from the people around you.

[stevieb]

On 4/7/2014 Luv2Decorate said:

On 4/7/2014 stevieb said:

On 4/7/2014 Luv2Decorate said:

On 4/6/2014 Nancy Drew said:

On 4/6/2014 serenity4ever said:

What transpired right before she called you an ice queen? What was the conversation about? Anyone who would call their MIL an ice queen must be aware that it could put quite a wedge in the relationship. How has your relationship been prior to her striking out at you?

I thought for the past ten years it was good. I am in shock. I was dropping off the 7 year old and he was telling all the fun things we did. She pulls me away into another room and that is when she said it.

Here is the problem... After you dropped the 7 yr old off you told her about all of the fun things you did, she is thinking to herself "why doesn't she want to have fun with me?" Her feelings are hurt and she lashed out.

Reach out to her. Find SOMETHING (there has to BE Something) that you two could do together. She wants you to spend time with her. and have fun. IF you find something that interests her, you will probably see a different side of her!

Whether she's boring or not, she is your son's wife and the mother of your grandchildren.

Ask you son what her interests are and search the internet for those things within the area you live.

Wow, so she's put-out, jealous or hurt that her seven year old had fun with his/her grandmother...? Search the internet...? I guess I'm wondering why all the onus seems to fall on the MIL? Would it not be possible for this DIL who is, per some, SO craving attention from the MIL to come up with a suggestion other than babysitting...?

Wow, maybe she has asked her MIL to do things?? Who knows? You certainly don't.

Yes, Search the Internet to find concerts, performances, flea markets, museum exhibits coming to the area, great new restaurants to visit, etc... Yes the internet it's a wonderful tool to find things to do.

Why the MIL, because she is the elder and she should take the high road. The DIL feels shut out by the MIL and therefore called her an ice queen.

Wow... No, I certainly don't, and you don't either..., though you seem to think you know precisely what the problem is... As for the rest, it clearly isn't the MIL who is seeking attention from the DIL... Yes, the net is a wonderful resource for finding things to do and you know, almost everybody has access to it. Why, I'm even betting the DIL does, and she clearly knows the things that interest her MIL... Sorry, but it seems to me the one seeking to further this relationship bears some of the responsibility for making it happen.

Frankly, since DIL seems resentful of the fun time her child had with grandma, maybe a starting place would be for them both to do something together with the grandchild. That might also take away some of what is bound to now be at least slight discomfort the two would experience doing something alone. If a closer relationship between the two of them is meant to be, including girls only outings, let it blossom from there...

[chrystaltree]

....and this another reason why I am soooo happy that I have daughters and no sons.

[Nancy Drew]

On 4/7/2014 muttmom said:

On 4/6/2014 Nancy Drew said:

I'm joking. She hurt my feelings so I am just being sarcastic. I have never ever said anything to her about her character. Why would I? Yet it is okay if she says it to me. Poor me!

That could be the problem. She may not understand your sarcasm. I remember a thread last week where you hurt another person's feelings by saying you cannot fix stupid. Calling your DIL boring is something better kept to yourself.

I do not think it is in anyone's best interest to point out you spent 2 nights with a grandchild so the parents could be with another child while that child had surgery. That's what family does.

As far as last week with that poster she made fun of my opinion first. You hit me I am going to hit you back. I have never ever called her boring to her face. As far as babysitting for surgery that is what family does of course. That being said she should appreciate that I was there for her as her mother and sister was not. I have decided I am not going to change a thing. I have reached the age where I have worked hard and it is about me. I have earned my time. I have raised my kids and now want a social life. What I have learned is in the MIL DIL issues MIL can't win.

[stevieb]

On 4/7/2014 Cranberries said:

On 4/7/2014 stevieb said:

On 4/7/2014 Luv2Decorate said:

On 4/6/2014 Nancy Drew said:

On 4/6/2014 serenity4ever said:

What transpired right before she called you an ice queen? What was the conversation about? Anyone who would call their MIL an ice queen must be aware that it could put quite a wedge in the relationship. How has your relationship been prior to her striking out at you?

I thought for the past ten years it was good. I am in shock. I was dropping off the 7 year old and he was telling all the fun things we did. She pulls me away into another room and that is when she said it.

Here is the problem... After you dropped the 7 yr old off you told her about all of the fun things you did, she is thinking to herself "why doesn't she want to have fun with me?" Her feelings are hurt and she lashed out.

Reach out to her. Find SOMETHING (there has to BE Something) that you two could do together. She wants you to spend time with her. and have fun. IF you find something that interests her, you will probably see a different side of her!

Whether she's boring or not, she is your son's wife and the mother of your grandchildren.

Ask you son what her interests are and search the internet for those things within the area you live.

Wow, so she's put-out, jealous or hurt that her seven year old had fun with his/her grandmother...? Search the internet...? I guess I'm wondering why all the onus seems to fall on the MIL? Would it not be possible for this DIL who is, per some, SO craving attention from the MIL to come up with a suggestion other than babysitting...?

How does anyone here know she hasn't? Maybe the DIL has come up with 5, 10, 15 ideas but the MIL doesn't want to do any of them or finds those ideas 'boring'.

We only have one side of the story to go on.

Maybe she has. Perhaps that's a question for ND... It sounds, though, like the one concrete example the DIL was able to mention is that MIL isn't always willing or able to babysit... It also sounds as though she was able to mention the many activities the MIL participates in with the caveat that all these things leave no time to bond with DIL... Really... so maybe MIL should invite DIL to hang with her when she visits her elderly parents. After all, if family bonding is the goal here, wouldn't the DIL want to know her grand in-laws better?

As noted, maybe the ideal opportunity at this point, until some of the rancor abates, might be for the two of them to plan a short outing with the older grandchild. By doing so, the focus can be on the child and not on their tenuous relationship. It's a natural thing to do, unlike a forced plan to search out something of possible mutual interest. As also noted, if they get along well while out with the child, the relationship between the two of them might or might not blossom from there. Either way, they both gave it a shot.