Community Chat

[SaRina]

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@Ms X wrote:

@Noel7  Suzie Orman said a number of years ago that people who don't get married can draw up agreements that cover many important benefits that come with marriage.  I don't remember her specifics, though.  I guess that's kind of what Trinity is saying above as well.

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Yes, of course they can.  It's like any legal agreement between two parties. Sadly, that woman made a wrong assumption when she should have taken action to protect herself.

[Noel7]

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@Ms X wrote:

@Noel7  Suzie Orman said a number of years ago that people who don't get married can draw up agreements that cover many important benefits that come with marriage.  I don't remember her specifics, though.  I guess that's kind of what Trinity is saying above as well.

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@Ms X

Right

And women who are legally married and still get messed over financially.

[abbeythe 8th]

What people do is their business. I think some people move in together shortly into relationships. I'm amazed to hear and read how many different people some have shared their bed with.

I will not lie. I was happy that neither of our children chose to cohabitate before marriage.

[hckynut]

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@Newgate wrote:

I am of the generation of people that living together before marriage was not accepted by society!  I have been married for over 50 years now!  I have one child who did live with his now wife and they seem to be happy for about 18 years now!  But I have 1 nephew and 1 niece that also lived with their special person, then got married and after a few years they both got divorced! 

I hear people say "oh it is better to live together first and then they will know", meaning if they can get along!  I am not so sure if that is true!  However, I am from the old school!!

What do you think?

@Newgate

I too am from the old generation, but!  We "lived together" for close to 40 years before we got married. For both of us this was/is our first, and since I make no pretense of speaking for my wife, my last marriage.

In the "old/society generation" I watched friend after friend/relative after relative go through divorces. Seeing that was "part" of the reason I chose to not marry young, or before I felt I had found the right person, and she was willing to marry me.

Back in the "old society way", or the ways of today, I think the odds of divorce will still be around 50/50. There is no wrong or right way, in my opinion, it is the people involved that put in the work that is necessary for almost any relationship to last.

hckynut(john) 

[Jacie]

My husband and I lived together for 10 years before getting married. He was previously married, I was not.

I am glad we did that. Been together now married for 27 years, 37 total. BUT OMG that is along time to be with the same person.....there are those days.........

[Deanie]

Interesting topic. As for @hckynut  40 years???? did I read that correctly? Good Grief.  Why bother?  Anyway, speaking from a non-religious point of view: as a woman, IMHO, women that live with their men before marriage are effectively giving up their strategic advantage by doing so. Now, that being said: a funny story, a friend of mine was living with her then significant other (whatever) which he had done before with another woman.  They felt they had made a commitment to each other and did not need a piece of paper to do so. ( Her words not mine.)They were not young.  She had been divorced and he had never been married.  She had grown children, he had none.  So, I set the stage for this delicious story.  They were buying a house together and going to settlement.  I asked her why?  She said that they were purchasing the house and had to go sign the papers.  I replied, well, why don't you just tell the bank that you have made a commitment to the house you are purchasing and do not need a piece of paper telling them so.  How do you think the bank will take that?  Two weeks later they went to Vegas and got married.  Viva Las Vegas!

[jaxs mom]

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@Deanie wrote:

Interesting topic. As for @hckynut  40 years???? did I read that correctly? Good Grief.  Why bother?  Anyway, speaking from a non-religious point of view: as a woman, IMHO, women that live with their men before marriage are effectively giving up their strategic advantage by doing so. Now, that being said: a funny story, a friend of mine was living with her then significant other (whatever) which he had done before with another woman.  They felt they had made a commitment to each other and did not need a piece of paper to do so. ( Her words not mine.)They were not young.  She had been divorced and he had never been married.  She had grown children, he had none.  So, I set the stage for this delicious story.  They were buying a house together and going to settlement.  I asked her why?  She said that they were purchasing the house and had to go sign the papers.  I replied, well, why don't you just tell the bank that you have made a commitment to the house you are purchasing and do not need a piece of paper telling them so.  How do you think the bank will take that?  Two weeks later they went to Vegas and got married.  Viva Las Vegas!

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Giving up what strategic advantage? Relationships aren't a game and I'm not interested in getting something over on someone or out manuvering him.

It's 2016, sex is no longer the blackmail to get a man to marry you. I'm also not interested in being his mother. While I do love doing things for him, like baking his favorite pie. It's because I love baking and I love him not because I have to do it to keep him happy or because I'm obligated because I have breasts and ovaries. 

I'm so glad I did not marry some guy out of high school who can't even make himself a sandwich and instead married a 35 year old man who knew how to cook, bake, support himself and do his own laundry. 

[Irshgrl31201]

I only married my boyfriend of many years a few years ago. We lived together for over 10 years. I would have been happy to stay single and just live together especially since I didn't plan to have anymore children but marriage was important to him so I said ok and I am glad I did. I didn't realize it until I got married but I am really glad we did. Of course before marriage it gave my very Catholic mother a heart attack as if telling her I was an Atheist wasn't even. Poor woman. She handled it well though. She would say her peace one time to me and then I never heard it again. I know as a mom that had to have been hard. 

I always assumed that people who lived together before marriage would have a better chance of staying together but the divorce rate is actually higher for those who cohabitated first.  

It definitely was a lot more unconventional to live with someone 30, 40 and 50 years ago but most don't even give it a thought now.

[RedTop]

When I met my husband, I knew he was the one I wanted to marry.   Living together prior to marriage was never discussed, nor something we were interested in----neither of our families would have approved.    

Our daughters are in their mid and late 30's, and have never lived with a boyfriend.   Youngest daughter has had a steady boyfriend for the last 5 years, but neither of them are interested in living together at this point.   We realize that decision may change in the future, and would not have a problem with it, since both seem very committed to each other.   I expected issues to surface when this daughter started driving a tractor trailer for a living; she is on the road 5-7 days at a time, often with a male driving partner, but her boyfriend has no jealousy issues, and their relationship remains solid and intact.   

I accept that what worked for me, may not necessarily work for my daughters.   I am just very thankful to have smart, mature, level headed daughters who are capable of making decisions that work well for them.   I view this topic as a personal decision for those involved.   

[Noel7]

There's a study published in the Atlantic with interesting facts.

BOTTOM LINE:  It's not living together that increases divorce, it's if you move in together at a young age.  Take that out of the equation and living together doesn't impact divorce.

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New research shows that the older people are when they make their first big commitment—cohabitation or marriage—the better their chances for marital success.

"In playing house and stocking up on premarital Ikea furniture are we all heightening our risk for divorce?

A new study from the nonpartisan Council on Contemporary Families says no. Moving in before marriage doesn’t automatically make you a divorce statistic. Choosing a partner too early, however, just might. 

In research on marriage longevity, Kuperberg observed that the age a couple said “I do” was among the strongest predictors of divorce.

Moving in together without a diamond ring involved didn’t, on its own, lead to divorce. Instead, she found that the longer couples waited to make that first serious commitment, the better their chances for marital success.

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/03/the-science-of-cohabitation-a-step-toward-marriage...