Community Chat

[Lipstickdiva]

My mom always ingrained in both my sister and me that living together without being married was just wrong.  I never lived with my boyfriend before we got married and my sister has never lived with anyone either.

I feel it is up to each individual to decide what is right for them. I have friends who have daughters who live with every guy they are dating.  They date for 2 weeks and are moving in together.  They break up, it's a mess because of the lease, etc.  They are single for a few months and the same thing happens again.  That I just don't understand.

What does bother me are women and men who have small children and choose to live with someone after a short amount of time.  When and if it doesn't work out, the children are devastated yet again.      

[SaRina]

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@henderson wrote:

I don't believe in living together before marriage.  It's just playing house.  My son and his girlfriend have been living together for about 5 years (known each other for about 9).  She is divorced and my 44 yr old son has never married and doesn't want to marry her -- he refuses to give us a reason, but he says he loves her.  She really wants marriage.  He had a fling and she took him back.  I think she should have said no way, we need counseling and I'm not living with you until you figure out why you did this.  Why should he marry her when he has all the benefits? 

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I think it's very beneficial to "just play house".  It gives the couple an idea of how they would live their daily lives, from the kind of schedule they keep, how they like to spend their at home time (as opposed to planned "dates"), their quirks, their (disgusting) habits, etc.  Basically, it is a reality check.

As far as this particular situation, many men just want another "mommy" and don't care about legal commitment if all their needs are taken care of, including companionship, sex, chores. If I were the woman, I'd move on quickly.  She may find herself extremely disappointed if she invests much more time in the relationship, but I assume she isn't much younger than he is and is therefore old enough to know what she's doing.

[Noel7]

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@Lipstickdiva wrote:

My mom always ingrained in both my sister and me that living together without being married was just wrong.  I never lived with my boyfriend before we got married and my sister has never lived with anyone either.

I feel it is up to each individual to decide what is right for them. I have friends who have daughters who live with every guy they are dating.  They date for 2 weeks and are moving in together.  They break up, it's a mess because of the lease, etc.  They are single for a few months and the same thing happens again.  That I just don't understand.

What does bother me are women and men who have small children and choose to live with someone after a short amount of time.  When and if it doesn't work out, the children are devastated yet again.      

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That also happens with marriages.  The difference is marriage takes longer to get out of.

[Ms X]

Perhaps it depends on why they are living together.  While there are no hard and fast rules, I make one distinction.  If both people are equally committed to the relationship and are just not yet getting married, I think it can be a good idea.  If one is more committed and the other is less so, I think it can be a bad idea.  Sometimes women (or men, though I myself have known women who do this) will live with a man or let him move in with them in an attempt to seek a closer relationship even if the man is not committed to them.  This can lead to resentment all around, as the cohabitors' (is that a word?) expectations and reasons for being there aren't compatible.

Then there are those who oppose it on religious grounds.  I very much respect that position.

[AngusandBuddhasMom]

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@Ms X wrote:

Perhaps it depends on why they are living together.  While there are no hard and fast rules, I make one distinction.  If both people are equally committed to the relationship and are just not yet getting married, I think it can be a good idea.  If one is more committed and the other is less so, I think it can be a bad idea.  Sometimes women (or men, though I myself have known women who do this) will live with a man or let him move in with them in an attempt to seek a closer relationship even if the man is not committed to them.  This can lead to resentment all around, as the cohabitors' (is that a word?) expectations and reasons for being there aren't compatible.

Then there are those who oppose it on religious grounds.  I very much respect that position.

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I think those who oppose it on religious grounds should keep it to themselves. Unless they are being asked to live with someone know one cares to hear their views. I am sure the world knows them already.

[Ms X]

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@AngusandBuddhasMom wrote:

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@Ms X wrote:

Perhaps it depends on why they are living together.  While there are no hard and fast rules, I make one distinction.  If both people are equally committed to the relationship and are just not yet getting married, I think it can be a good idea.  If one is more committed and the other is less so, I think it can be a bad idea.  Sometimes women (or men, though I myself have known women who do this) will live with a man or let him move in with them in an attempt to seek a closer relationship even if the man is not committed to them.  This can lead to resentment all around, as the cohabitors' (is that a word?) expectations and reasons for being there aren't compatible.

Then there are those who oppose it on religious grounds.  I very much respect that position.

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I think those who oppose it on religious grounds should keep it to themselves. Unless they are being asked to live with someone know one cares to hear their views. I am sure the world knows them already.

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Well, @AngusandBuddhasMom, if they should keep that to themselves why shouldn't you keep what you said to yourself?  I am not particularly religious, but I think religion and religious people add a great deal to society.

[Plaid Pants2]

A parent may not like the fact that their adult child is "living in sin", but the fact is, they have NO say in the matter, and should just keep their views to themselves. 

Just be happy that their adult child is happy.

[Lipstickdiva]

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@Noel7 wrote:

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@Lipstickdiva wrote:

My mom always ingrained in both my sister and me that living together without being married was just wrong.  I never lived with my boyfriend before we got married and my sister has never lived with anyone either.

I feel it is up to each individual to decide what is right for them. I have friends who have daughters who live with every guy they are dating.  They date for 2 weeks and are moving in together.  They break up, it's a mess because of the lease, etc.  They are single for a few months and the same thing happens again.  That I just don't understand.

What does bother me are women and men who have small children and choose to live with someone after a short amount of time.  When and if it doesn't work out, the children are devastated yet again.      

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That also happens with marriages.  The difference is marriage takes longer to get out of.

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I think people who have small children need to be especially more careful and critical about who they introduce their young children to.

And while I know this happens with a marriage, I am specifically speaking about people who choose to live with someone after only a few weeks then things don't work out and the cycle continues over and over.  The children are getting a really poor example of a loving committed relationship.  Everytime they turn around, they are living with a different person.    

[Lipstickdiva]

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@Plaid Pants2 wrote:

A parent may not like the fact that their adult child is "living in sin", but the fact is, they have NO say in the matter, and should just keep their views to themselves. 

Just be happy that their adult child is happy.

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I understand where you are coming from but in my situation, my parents were very clear how they felt and I had too much respect for them to go against their wishes.  The felt the very same way about going away on vacation together.  Although I didn't like it, that was another thing my now husband and I never did because it would have hurt them too much.