Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,868
Registered: ‎03-10-2010




1.   What did one Frenchman say to the other Frenchman?

      "I have no idea, I don't speak French.


2.   Two muffins were sitting in the oven.  One says to the other, "Wow, it's hot in here."  The other one says, "Sure is.  Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit."  Were you expecting another punchline from this joke?


3.   What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?

      "Where's my tractor?"


4.   Why is 6 afraid of 7?  It

It's not.  Numbers aren't sentient and therefore incapable of feeling fear.


5.   A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat.  "What are you drinking?" he asks the guy next to him.  "Magic beer" the other guy replies."  "Oh yeah?  Whats so magical about it?"  "Watch.: The guy swigs some beer, walks over and dives off the roof, flies around the building, and then returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.  "Amazing."  Lemme try some of that," 

     He grabs the beer, quaffs it down, leaps off the roof - and plummets 15 stories to the sidewalk The bartender shakes his head.  "You know, you're real nasty when you're drunk, Superman.  


6.   A new prisoner is in his cell when a voice from across the cell block cries out,  "Twenty-two!  Suddenly all the prisoners crack up.  When another voice calls out, "forty one!" sending the prisoners into greater peals of laughter.  "What's going on?" the newbie asks his cellmate.


 "We've been in prison so long, we've memorized each others jokes.  So rather than retell the same jokes, we've assigned them numbers.  The new prisoner decided to give it a shot and shouts out for all to hear, "Eighteen!"  There's no response, not even a snicker.  "What happened?" he asks?

His cellmate shrugs, "You didn't tell it right."


7.  In surgery for a heart attack, a middle aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.  "Will I die?" she asks.

     God says, "No. You have 30 more years to live."

With 30 more years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it.  So, since she is already in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips.  She looks great.

       The day she's discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is struck immediately by an ambulance and killed.  Up in heaven, she sees God.  "You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains.  That's true," says God.  ""So what happened?"  God shrugs.  "I didn't recognize you."                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              




The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,065
Registered: ‎06-06-2011

@Lindsays Grandma 



Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea-Robert A. Heinlein